deep and dark

Throughout this episode I have cried.  But the crying has been limited to tearing up.  I cannot just cry even though I need to.  I almost did with Dr. Mind but couldn't.  I think we're going to increase my sessions for a while to help with that.  And it's not unusual for a mixed episode to do that to me; it's like the emotions are being pulled 2 different directions.  Dr. Mind is pretty good at helping me get some of it out.

What made me nearly cry last week was saying that I think I've been using a huge amount of will-power to not have episodes that amounted to much since I've been in my moms' house.  She sees this one, it's impossible not to, but she also doesn't see it all, partly because I try to hide it and partly because I stay up here a lot to avoid noise downstairs.  (Today I did read downstairs for a couple hours while I washed my sheets and I wore sound blockers to avoid TV noises.).

I think it goes further though.  I think I'm also refusing to let myself feel the way I do.  I've had minimal suicidal thinking and that's great.  But I'm noticing that I do have the thoughts and that I tamp them down instead of handling them or admitting to them.  I think that I feel like I owe it to my mom to not be that sick anymore.  Ever.  And I know I can't control it like that or it wouldn't ever happen.  I am trying to hide all that I can so that mostly she is seeing my very tired self and some mood swings.  She also has heard about some nightmares and has seen me panic when I thought that the tv was her.

When (if?) my new place is ever done I'll have a place that I can survive these times more genuinely.  I think it will still be really hard.  But living as we do right now I am not comfortable with the symptoms.  I realize that this means that 12 year after diagnosis I still haven't fully accepted it, although in my defense I think I had and then 2 years ago everything got so much worse and changed and I haven't caught up to that.

I just hope I can tell Dr. Mind.  I think he kind of knows this but isn't certain.  We'll see what the *&(* (forgive me, I've never sworn here but the time change deserves it) time change does to me but right now I think if I have the extra counseling I can make it 4 weeks to see Dr. Brain and then it will be much easier to figure out a new path.  It means 4 weeks more of not feeling fabulous but I am getting a bit of sleep most days and that helps.  Last night was a really bad one and then I finally got tired and put on relaxation music and that actually helped.  So it's hard to guess what tomorrow will be like.  Well, tomorrow itself will be likely to suck since the time change is tonight but  tomorrow as a word for the future is more in the we'll see category.