Sweet Meds

This is a particularly hard time for, as the most recent posts have noted.  Sleep was bad before and I was expecting to go to even more Seroquel or start a new anti-psychotic today.  But with the things that have happened anxiety is the key issue and so we are just treating anxiety.

I have been on fairly large doses of anxiety meds for years.  Mostly I took 2 mg of Klonopin at bedtime and then could take 1 (used to be 2) mg as needed during the day.  For the past few years I rarely used that extra one.  However as soon as the events of 4/4/14 hit I knew that I needed more than that.  The first clue was that I hadn't been able to sleep and had taken a day's worth of PRN 30 minutes before the call came at 5:00 AM and there was no way I would make it without help.

I asked for valium as it is something I've tolerated really well in the past and never had tolerance issues.  There aren't a lot of other options so that is what I was given.  It hasn't worked all that well, unfortunately.  I take it and 3-4 hours later sleep.  It should work much faster than that.   It works better if I time it so that it is closer to not only my bedtime meds but also my evening anxiety meds, but that means putting the afternoon dose of klonopin off which isn't easy.  I've been trying to not take it until midnight or so because I want to fall asleep without it if I can. 

I saw Dr. Brain today.  I wasn't sure if she'd let me continue with it.  Instead she said that she is ok with my using this for several months if it helps me get through the next things that will be happening.  So I'm on a bigger dose now and will keep taking that about midnight (3 hours after bedtime meds) with it hopefully working faster and wearing off faster too since I start my days pretty groggy.  It's a little weird to think that I'm on daily valium but it is the best choice so I'm doing it.  I just have to be sure to take it and not try to stop without tapering it under Dr. Brain's care since I'll be pretty tolerant to it with time.  If I wind up hospitalized I know the first thing that will go, but I intend to stay out of there.  This is so hard that it is hard not imagine winding up there but I'm doing ok for now and I think that's good.  Today I only cried randomly abut 5 times while driving.  It's amazing how many reminders are out there.  The worst was the prisoners on work detail picking up trash and the thought this could be the only way my brother sees sunshine, grass and trees and hears a car whiz by his face for many years, if he is fortunate to get to do that. 

This still just is as hard as anything I have faced.   Everything feels more stressful; money, almost moving today(and then the Ikea couch cover was an Ikea loveseat cover and I can't move the cats in until the cover is on or they might tear it so I have to wait for that to come), acquiring things I didn't really think about needed until now, etc.  We are supposed to go on vacation a few weeks.  I don't want to.  Mostly I don't want to spend money but I also don't want to go through the first big thing without my brother.

One day I'll make a list of things that would be easier.