Not yet

I thought I was starting to get used to the situation with my brother.  It will be a month tomorrow morning that the middle of the night phone call came.  Since not a lot has happened in that time while we wait for the grand jury to indict I really thought I was getting used to it, while knowing that it would get very hard again when he was indicted and then again when the trial comes.  I dread the trial.  I suspect that my own secrets will be brought forth (not by me, from the psychologist) and I hate that thought. 

Then the last few nights have been tough. And today I had a minor meltdown.  It is just so hard to feel so torn.  I feel like I am a barrier to my mom helping him in the way she wants to.  And that is not a good feeling.  Yet I also know that the support she gives him is probably not good either.  It is so confusing and I cried long and hard this afternoon.

I'm finding this surgery stressful to prepare for.  My surgeon was not very detailed in what is going to happen.  His nurse, who I am supposed to use for questions and the like is not very helpful.  Thus far she told me on the day we spoke to schedule and go through pre-op requirements that since I forgot to have him look at a nodule on my Achilles that I needed to make an appointment to do so because I'd need to sign another consent document to have that surgically repaired.  Fine, I did that and she called at 7:30 that morning wanting to know why I was on the schedule.  I told her it was because she'd said I needed to and she said she'd take care of it and call me that evening.  Two days later I called her and she hadn't talked to the surgeon but decided it wasn't necessary and I could bring it up in the OR.  She explained that this is scar tissue from tearing my Achilles (I can't believe I was weightbearing on this ankle a week after I hurt it 4.5 years ago given the damage).  Which is good to know, but I don't think I can sign a consent in the actual OR.  I am worrying excessively about this because I don't want another surgery and this lump can be the most painful part of the injury when nothing is acute.  So I used a new feature in the patient chart feature and sent a note to the Dr.  I seriously doubt it really goes to the dr, I think it will probably go to that same nurse, but I just said I was not trying to be argumentative but I didn't want to not be able to have something done if it could be and that I was happy to come up to see the surgeon to sign consent if needed but that I wanted to be sure this wasn't missed, leaving me to face more surgery in a year.  Not telling him was a mistake but I did tell the resident who forgot also so it wasn't just my error and when the dr only spends 5 minutes with you it's hard to remember everything.  He is nice but his bedside manner leaves a bit to be desired.  He has explained almost nothing about the procedure or post op and I won't see him or anyone from the office again until surgery unless they decide to have me sign a consent to shut me u.

  He is going to be about a cm away from the nodule anyway, so he might as well keep cutting and get it out if that is possible.

I think the nurse has classified me as annoying anyway.  She didn't know what at MAOI was and keeps forgetting about it and what it is and she doesn't really care  and thinks they don't need to know because it is an anesthesia problem while it is really a anyone-who-treats-me-problem.  It's frustrating.  But if they don't want people asking questions they should give more information and if they don't like non-traditional medical situations they should quit medicine.  Plus, call back when you say you will, consult with the dr when you say you will or I quit trusting you.  This will improve with Dr. Brain gets involved but right now I'm stressed that they will not pay attention and give me something I can't have or do something dumb like not removing the nodule and then going back in next year to get it ou

Anyway, I took a full dose of valium last night that really knocked me out and then I got really upset and took klonopin a while ago.  I'm feeling kind of sleepy so I think I'll head for bed early.  Maybe it will help me to relax a bit.''

I will end with this thought:  Crime hurts your life, your family and your friends far beyond what you think it will.  Don't do it.