Panic attack

I didn't get enough sleep last night.  I guessed wrong about how much valium I needed and the puppy woke me up early and I wasn't in my own bed (I was at my mom's) and it added up to a bad time.

This evening I was thinking about some of what has happened in the last year and about how glad I will be when all of this is over.  It's not just my brother's arrest, it has been the scary diagnosis and surgery for my niece and even though she is thriving now there is always the potential that the tumor will come back and if it does it is likely to be malignant.  There has just been a lot of truly huge, potentially life changing stress in the last year.  Then there is this upcoming ankle surgery and now is not the best time for it but I can't walk without hurting myself so I have to do it.  And I'm worried about money and vacation (I can't afford it) and on and on and so I was in the shower and suddenly was so panicked I couldn't breathe.  I took half of a valium and it is not helping me settle, even though I had my bedtime klonopin not long ago too.

This is the really bad kind of panic attack where it is hard to not just go and run up and down the road or something, anything to move but I know that I need to be still and focus on breathing and slowing down.  But that is so hard physically because my body thinks it needs to get away from my own mind.

I hate these.  They don't happen very often but when they do they are awful.  Usually I do a lot of crying and this time that hasn't happened although it would probably help.

Maybe hot tea.  Maybe some more klonopin.  I'll wind up knocking myself out through tomorrow.  But I have to make this stop.......

Hate this part of this disease.....