Life keeps moving on

Yesterday I took a very big step (NOT literally, I only take little hops these days :).  My brother was here to help my mom with some stuff and I agreed to have him come visit for a few minutes.  It was ok.  I handled it much better than I thought I would and in 5 minutes no damage was done.  It wasn't really something I anticipated doing quite that way (I had wanted to do this away from home and when I was mobile but this was clearly the way it was supposed to be).

Today I went to see Dr. Mind for the first time in 3 weeks.  That's the longest I've gone without a counseling appointment in 12 years I'm pretty sure and certainly for 8.5 years with him.  It went well; I'm not at a place where I'm willing to get overly worked up about much so aside from taking that huge risk yesterday because all I can do right now is think about things and that isn't good at all.  Plus I'm doing petty well.  Oddly vicodin is a good mood stabilizer for me.  I have noticed that in the past and this time I was on a lot more of it so it really has kept me level, more level than I almost ever am.  I'm almost off it now so the fun should begin; this is my highest risk for mania time of year so we'll see.  I am praying that by staying inside all the time this year I'll avoid that because I couldn't handle it. 

My brother was back down and so I suggested to my mom that they bring supper to my house so they did and it went well enough.  He called me the nickname I never want to hear again but I can't bear to hurt him by telling him that so I guess I'm stuck with it.  What I know now is that I prayed a LOT about this.  I wanted to just let go and never felt right about it after the initial shock.  So I prayed and prayed and I truly feel this is what I am supposed to do.  So I'll be in his life.  If that means visiting jail I will do that.  If that means traveling across the country after he is out of jail/off probation then that's what I'll do.  His voice is the same.  He has still broken a large piece of my heart and nothing is going to change that but I already have one brother I haven't seen in 14 years and I grieve that loss.  I have a father I haven't seen in 16 years and I grieve that loss despite his absolute cruelty.  My little brother I had not say in what happened.  My father was the right thing to do for safety.  This is something that would leave me with huge regrets because it would be my choice and I'm not willing to make it.

Naturally I now desperately want to talk to Dr. Mind but I can't go back until Monday and even then is a little up in the air depending on how quickly I get the swelling under control. I can keep my foot elevated petty well in the car but sitting in the waiting room I can only prop it on a couch and in the interns' office where we are meeting for now (which is not half as nice as his upstairs office that I can't get to for a while) I can't prop it very far unless I bring my own pillows.   So it was not above my head for 75 minutes and it swelled up a great deal.  I really need the swelling to come down by Wednesday so that my new cast is tight enough.  This one has gotten loose and I accidentally moved my ankle and hurt it yesterday when I stretched after I yawned.  I haven't had much pain lately so I didn't like that.  I want a tight cast and not tight like it is right now from the swelling.  I predict a flat on my back day tomorrow.  That means lots of Bridezillas.  Yes, I have somehow gotten addicted to a ridiculous reality show.  I've never watched one before but I am still too sleepy to follow a series yet and it is hilarious to watch the over-dramatic women on that show. Last night I watched a full 30 seconds that all but 3 words were beeped out.  I didn't even know it was possible to string that many curse words together without practicing.  It meets my current needs.  Hopefully Netflix has many seasons; I haven't actually checked that.

Tonight I talked to my mom for a few minutes when she was tucking me in.  She told me something that my brother had admitted to her that I have needed to hear since April 4th.  It is what I needed to know before I could open my heart as well as my mind.  I mean, my heart has been open.  I have prayed for him so many times.  I ask about him nearly daily and truly have cared how he was doing.  But in terms of connection to him or willingness to forgive him I needed to hear these words.  And then I told my mom more and I think that I sent her home in tears which I feel bad about but I'm doing this my past is coming out of the closet to the extent that lets me have support.  This is a multi-lane highway and secrets nearly undoubtedly contibuted to this problem.  If my biggest secrets hadn't been kept as secret for so long it might have prevented this from ever happening.  'that was a function of time and place as well as my family but at some point it got twisted into this huge secret that just has caused everyone more pain.  I'm tired of that.  When I tell Dr. Mind that he is going to first fall out of his chair and then proceed to want me to bring my mom in to talk about it.  Not happening.  They can meet in the hand-off of the very wobbly on crutches me (I don't use them much so I'm not that great with them yet.  My walker is so much easier and I try to combine up times so that a bathroom trip also includes picking up a snack or water or a pillow from the couch or whatever and if I'm going to carry something I need the walker tray.

I am so tired.  I can't believe I'm still awake.  I usually sleep most of the day.  Nights are really hard because I don't like to sleep on my back, I tend to have more pain then, my knee gets stiff and sore from not moving on the pillows it's elevated on (I think that I am unconsciously afraid of moving), and I can't take meds to increase sleep b/c they'd decrease my balance.  Today I've been up since 10:45, had my big trip out into the world, had dinner with my brother (stressful), and went to bed thinking I'd fall asleep at 7.  And now it's 2 AM.  Which is fine, it will help me keep the leg way up high tomorrow.  I'm hoping to make it all night with 4 pillows and a couch cushion under it which has my knee and hip nearly fully extended but seems to be letting the swelling go down.  We'll see how that works.  For now I"m typing flat on my back with 2 of my best purchases (a "bedrest pillow" and a travel neck support) holding me up enough to see the screen.

I was trying to read until I fell asleep but this book, which I have read or listened to on CD, is annoying the crap out of me because Every!sentence!ends!with!an!exlamation!point!.  It is so overly cheery even when that isn't the intention.  And it's hard to hold a book in this position.

Oh, and I've lost 10 lbs (more or less, hard to get an accurate reading on the scale with one leg and the other in a big cast) since surgery.  Non-weight bearing is a lot of exercise and I've been tying to eat really healthy meals and my snacks are mostly fruit things, fiber/protein bars, and some junk with water.  My abs are getting tighter every day as well.  I'll have to do sit-ups when I can walk again to keep this up.  It's amazing how much I have to do with my abs and arms.  I can't tell you how hard my stairs into the house are.  It takes all my stength and I have stong arms. 

That's it from bedrest land.  Not bad for someone not doing anything.