Life

So I've made it 6 weeks into this ankle reconstruction journey.  I had my cast removed on Wednesday, x-rays taken and a walking cast put on.  I am allowed to walk with crutches as much as I want to.  It has been somewhat uncomfortable to adjust to weight-bearing at the same time that my ankle was pushed into a new position in the cast but the pain is improving.  It is SO GOOD to walk, especially since I've been pretty agitated lately.  I can also drive now and do a lot of things that have required help since my operation.  It is a lot easier to cope now.  I will admit that the longer I am casted the more frustrating the itching is.  Nearly all of it is my toes which are inside the cast but can be reached.  I keep trying to get the dead skin off but without being able to use water (or alcohol, which they gave me at the clinic to get the majority of the peeling skin off my leg) it's kind of hopeless.  So I just try to not scratch them in public.  I'm fairly sure I should leave them alone since I don't think I have full sensation in them yet but the itching is pretty compelling and I make it worse by rubbing my toes on the cast liner a lot.

The rest of life moves on, even when it seems it isn't.  I got a nasty reminder of that this week when I saw Dr. Mind and talked about a nightmare where he left.  And so I got more information than I was prepared for about that.  He has been kind of iffy about the other position he was being considered for.  Another has come up that I don't think he will not take if it is offered---and the place is rather desperate to hire.  So good-bye is coming pretty soon.  I may be able to continue working with him via Skype which is good to know but I'd prefer he stay.  It's hard because I want him to be happy and to do what he has been dreaming of doing forever.  I just wish that it would be a bit closer.  I think I'd convinced myself that all was going to be well there and so it was shocking to find out otherwise.

This has led to one monster panic attack that lasted for many hours and which didn't respond to anything and several smaller ones plus the feeling that I'm on the verge of panic at all times.  I want so badly to be able to walk until the feeling goes away but that isn't possible.  Last night I walked many laps around my tiny living room/kitchen.  It didn't help. Today I went for a longer walk at the park which made my leg ache so that is completely not happening tonight.  I took part of a pain pill so I'm hoping that makes me tired finally.  If nothing else I talk to Dr Mind more Monday and that's tomorrow now.  It hadn't occurred to me that I may have to go through losing my brother to jail and Dr. Mind to life at the same time, potentially while I am still recovering from surgery.  Now that I have realized this it is too scary.

My brother was here again today.  I got a reminder that I needed that his Asperger's makes him socially bizarre but also kind of annoying at times.  It is good to feel normal about him, at least in one area. There is a chance he will be living here for a while and that's just one more thing to cope with that I'm not sure how to handle.  My mom has let me say no about this and I can't because I don't want to be the reason he is homeless.  And there is the pesky certainty that I am supposed to maintain a relationship with him, something I have decided is the absolute hardest thing God has ever asked of me because I feel so ill-equipped.  The stress is causing more panic and disturbingy diarrhea which is not a good thing when it takes crutches to get to the bathroom.  I don't wear the walking boot in bed and when I have to move fast I'm hopping on the crutches.  Last week my stomach was upset for several days after he was here; this time it is starting while he's here.  I'm doing my best to do what God has led me to do but it is so incredibly hard.  Dr. Mind reminds me that God will equip me with what I need to do this but when I find it nearly impossible to sleep while he's here I think I need more blatant help. 

I know I'll be ok.  There's just too much change happening.  After seeing Dr. Brain on Saturdays for the last 12.5 years I have to set up appointments for her main office during the week.  Dr. Mind may become a person on a computer screen.  I have no idea how that would work but i know I want to try.  I'm feeling like I'm being forced to be resigned to so much that I don't like at the moment.  And I have too much time to think.

I got a reprieve from this during the worst of the recovery time.  I can at least get out now and am not glued to bed.  But I just want to get past this part of my life.  In 6 months everything will be different and I am scared of how that will be.

All I can do is keep going through.