Losing my mind

I am getting more forgetful by the minute. I'm fairly sure it's the med change. As of tonight I'm on 20 mg less than I was a few weeks ago. How I feel emotionally varies. Mostly I'm tired and feeling more sensitive. But I keep forgetting things, not figuring simple things out, etc. I seriously am thinking I'm going to have to go back to keeping a little notebook with me with what I need to remember, all day every day.

And of course I'm still quite anxious, which probably doesn't help a thing. I think it is a bit less than a week ago, because at least now I have Dr. Mind on my side and set up to help and monitor as this gets harder. I've also gotten a number of things I needed to have done taken care of. I bought blouses today so I can make it through a week of work. I have nearly enough shirts for the hospital. (Since I have lost over 40 lbs in the last 10 months I don't have much that works from a year ago.) I bought pajama pants tonight, but they have to go back. I guess the wrong size. I ordered slippers today, and a sleep bra because I won't be comfortable not wearing one at night, and the things I wear during the day are very comfortable when awake, but not so great for sleeping. I got my TB test that I needed for work taken care of, which is also very good because it's one less thing to do later this month when I'm likely to feel worse. I need to change a dental appointment, and I have to get on the list for a H1N1 shot (I really, really want that before I'm admitted, because there's nothing like being locked up for a week or more with 9 other people and a limited number of staff to make sure germs get shared.). As a healthcare provider I'm high priority for the shot. I'm also horrified at how many people in healthcare plan to not get it. I feel a responsibility to get it, not only because I know that any illness I get is easily spread to my patients (who are at lower risk of H1N1, but I'm sure elderly people who are well enough to live in the community will be less susceptible than my patients), but because if healthcare workers do not get immunized and the outbreak is worse than expected, there may be a shortage of people trained to provide care. I might be a therapist, but I can also provide all basic care and some more advanced care. If enough healthcare workers are unable to work I will be needed to fill in as needed. I saw how important this is a while back. I was finishing my day when we had a tornado warning. Per the newly established protocol at that facility I went to a designated meeting area where all staff not assigned to a floor were to meet. Given the time of day it was me, a few housekeepers, a receptionist, and the kitchen staff. I was sent to a certain area with 2 kitchen workers. We had to get all patients possible in wheelchairs and into the hall. If a patient can't be moved you protect them the best you can (per a protocol) and the reality is that patient isn't very likely to survive. A privacy curtain and a blanket offer little protection against flying glass. So these poor kitchen workers were suddenly thrust into getting patients up. This requires the use of techniques they didn't have. I was getting 3 or 4 people up to their one, and I was getting people up on my own who weren't even really able to stand. The kitchen staff did what they could, but if in an emergency they are pressed into that kind of role it will not be nearly as smooth or safe as if someone with training of any sort is doing it. (Oh, and the tornado missed us that night). Another time this became clear was a week when the place I worked had a terrible ice storm and we had no electricity for about 9 days. Everyone in the whole place, and really the town, had to come together to do things they had no idea they'd ever do. (One of our buildings had to be evacuated and community members showed up in a large number to help.)

Oh, and in case it's not obvious......this blog is probably going to be less structured and more rambling. I know that is typical for me. One of the things that is hard is that I haven't experienced "just" depression in so very long. I always have mixed episodes. So I don't really know what to expect, even with something I am very experienced in.

And now I am going to enjoy my new, earlier than ever before, bedtime.