Rock bottom

I have a call in and an email requesting admission this weekend. For various reasons I want to try to make it a few more days. But that's as much as I can do. Today started the very non-exciting experience of repeatedly finding myself thinking "I want to die". Not "I want to kill myself", just "I want to die". I'm crying far too easily, I can't think, I'm doing crappy therapy, and I just want to stay home and sleep. That part isn't happening, but I also no longer can see even a possibility of staying out of the hospital more than about 4-5 days. I cannot live like this and the longer I taper the medication the longer it goes on.

Julia has been added as a blog author, or at least she's been invited. Her life sucks now too, so if she's able she can post if I go to the hospital differently than anticipated (I'll email her).

Things are so bad that my mother noticed. Just from my voice. That means it is BAD. (Which I of course had kind of figured out).

So, pretty much falling apart. Need to take meds. Hate the thought because I feel like the meds are making me worse. I know that's not true, but the antidepressant sure isn't antidepressing.