Doctors

I have about 5 minutes of energy left. I was thinking about a comment from Michal on my post saying Dr. Body is probably about ready to run away. She basically said that he probably just really likes the challenge of me.

The funny thing about doctors is that you'd think that would be true. Yet I struggle hard to find doctors who are willing to accept me as I am: mentally ill, in control, very aware of my situation, very unwilling to be pushed around. On the other hand, the doctors I do have care very much for me and go out of their way to help.

When I was getting ready to go to the hospital Dr. Mind said something about my being a special patient to Dr. Brain. I said something about well, we spend a lot of time together and have for years. He started to say more about my being someone she really cares for and invests in, then stopped himself. Probably he realizes knowing this freaks me out a little. He's the same though. He makes sure I'm ok, going above and beyond as well. It took a long time to feel close to him. I trusted him, but I didn't feel like "hey, I'm a special patient". I do now. I've learned that he cares deeply, but also that he knows me extremely well. At this point, nearly 4 years after we met, he can look at me and tell me I'm tired; he can hear me talk for 3 minutes and know I'm badly depressed; he can tell when I feel crappy and try to cover. I was very cautious about letting this relationship get more than totally professional because the last time that didn't work out so well, but this works. We keep a barrier but I also am not "just a patient" and I know it. And Dr. Body......well, I was one of his very first patients ever. That matters. But he is so respectful of my crazy needs and limits and rules about proving meds are safe before I take them. I'm realizing I'm so comfortable with him that I'm probably going to have him do my gynecological care from now on. That's a way off before I have to decide, but I realized that I trust him so much, so why struggle with someone new just because he is male? I'm also realizing I can trust him to help in weird ways. I need a test done called a cystoscopy. Essentially it is a camera into the bladder to find out if my bladder is ok or if something adds to the blood in my urine. After the urine I produced for days after the dehydration I'm willing to admit I have to do this. There were huge clots in there for days, and it reminded me of what I see in catheter bags of very, very, very sick people. Something clearly is wrong there. But the cystoscopy is something I've refused because it involves things my sexually abused self can't handle. Finally I realized that I not only need to do this, I have a way: I need to be honest with Dr. Body and tell him I need this done by a female and I need it done with enough anesthesia and a med to make me not remember it. It's normally an office test I believe, but that won't happen for me, and I do need it. That urine was scary. I won't be doing it for a bit, first I have to recover from this, and then I have to see what happens with my insurance. If I stay a traveler it will be one thing, and if I take a permanent position it will be another.

And I'm falling asleep sitting up, so good night.