Time to talk

So yesterday was a turning point.  Not a fun one, actually a totally crappy one, but a turning point.  I had horrible asthma symptoms on the way to work.  I pass 2 hospitals and I thought about each one's ER.  I convinced myself I could go to work and have a nurse listen to my lungs and then go to the ER if they thought I needed to.  But of course I talked myself out of asking.  I was a bit better and I stayed a bit better but not comfortable all day.  And then in a convoluted way I can't describe here, my asthma attack triggered a minor automobile accident.  Very minimal damage to what I hit which I'll be paying for, my car is fine.  Horribly embarrassing as the accident happened because my foot came off the brake while having an asthma attack.

The one thing this did was to determine that something is going to be done.  And that "something" is steroids.  So I sent my doctors an email last night telling them that this was the sign that it was time to give up and admit I can't fight this off anymore and that is is affecting my life terribly, and so I gave some dates that I need to have to complete something major at work, and that after that I would do anything necessary to stop this, also knowing that if it gets one bit worse than it is now that I have to do it sooner.

So I have a prescription for another inhaler that is the mildest possible but Dr. Body thinks it will cause mania.  I hate to have a bad attitude but since the non-steroidal one did I find it hard to believe the other one can do anything less.  I am going to try one dose Saturday morning and see what happens and if I can handle it I'll very gradually get on it next week while working.  If it makes me manic or doesn't help then we'll go to plan 2, which is a pulmonologist that he typically refers to and trusts and who will listen to him about how complicated this is.  I assume from there I'd be admitted for the kind of steroids that I probably need anyway.  I would not be at Dr. Brain's hospital, but I am not very sad about missing out on the doctors who wouldn't listen to me, and the people who have not called me to schedule a test (that I don't plan to do but still should have been called) that was allegedly all important.  It scares me to be at a hospital with less psychiatric specialization, but as I told Dr. Body I'm ready to deal with that and truthfully I'm extremely good about fighting about medications and what I will/can take and what I can't.  And when I'm manic I'm a better fighter than usual.  Plus I enjoy fighting then.  So win-win?  I guess.  This is better than my proposal though, which was to start steroids at home, see what happened and then go to the ER at Dr. Brain's hospital, probably landing on a psych unit.  I was willing to do this but I would so much rather be on a medical floor.  If I am put on psych there it will be a general psych unit, not mood disorders only as I was in last year.  And that's not wonderful.  But the one positive?  There won't be Cynthia, the nightmare nurse.  I was dreading the possibility of dealing with her while manic.  Or normal.  I carry a lot of anger at her....

So this means that tomorrow I work, if I can get there through SNOW, then I get my new med.  Saturday I work to make up for Monday.  I try that med.  Depending on how that goes I continue increasing carefully and get better (please God, it's not likely but nothing is impossible to God) or I don't.  In that case I finish this week, work a day or two the next week to help us meet some compliance things, and then go and try to get well as fast as possible.  If Symbicort does not make me manic on a full dose but doesn't help I'm not sure where we go as that's so unlikely it's not being discussed.

I may see Dr. Body Tuesday.  I have an appointment; I don't know if there is benefit in keeping it.  He'll tell me.  Or he won't and he'll get to see me.  I want him to listen to the lungs anyway as they do not feel good, so we'll see.

And that's my new story.  Decision made, I fought really hard to avoid this and it's unavoidable.   I've fought longer than the doctors wanted me to and now my ability to function is clearly compromised as well as my safety and I'm constantly hurting and uncomfortable from feeling like my lungs don't have scar tissue but instead have shrunk.  My timing is horrible as Dr. Body will have to manage the backing down on psych meds, but Dr. Brain will be able to give input before she is on leave herself for a month. Hopefully this will mostly be over when I see her again and she'll be able to direct the finishing it stage.

So I talked to my manager and she knows about bipolar and everything now.  That was a hard decision, but since her first reaction was "well, you cover THAT well" and she seemed to fully understand the horrors I've been through this week.  I just wanted her to have lots of notice that I may be off for a bit and I wanted her to know why, that this is beyond typical and that my being off is for the patients' sake as much as anything.

And now I need to check my laundry, throw in more, and get my paperwork done.  yippee.