What I am taking back

I tried the mild steroid inhaler this morning.  It made me manic.  I forgot to tell the dr. this but it got my heartrate up to 130.  No wonder I couldn't sit still.  It was mania that only I could see, just distractibility and trouble getting the right words out and racy thoughts I could still follow.  However, that was one dose.  It did, however, give me a very quick look at what having a less constricted airway might do.  And that was a huge eye-opener.  It felt so good for that short time to breathe in and not hurt.

I left Dr. Body a message that he had been correct and this caused mania (only in code so only he'd understand).    And I did some serious thinking.  I've been doing this the last few days, but I have come to a conclusion.

Steroids have been an option for almost 2 months and I've refused.  I've tried to do what I do so often and bulldoze my way through not feeling well.  With bipolar I can make a lot of med changes that help, but when I have a bad day I just ignore it.  Well, until my car accident I hadn't realized that this does not work for asthma.  I realized this first when the intervention determined by management is that I am to seek treatment for asthma.  (I did try this week but that's another story they don't need to know).  I actually wonder if I was fully conscious when this happened as I know I was digging through the chart, just as I do in 75% of evals when I'm not positive I'm where I belong and I remember having a hefty coughing fit.  But I do not remember the car moving at all, just the bang and being confused.  I will discuss this with my doctor, but I suspect that I had a dip in oxygen levels or I just sort of passed out while coughing.  And that scares me to death.

Today I took a hard look at my life.  And I realized that when I was telling Dr. Mind Monday that I was at the end of my rope and couldn't handle more of this, and that I just couldn't take more that I was more serious than I realized.  At the time I even said that this was just my time to feel sorry for myself.  But really?  No wonder I feel sorry for myself.  The situation is partially of my own making, partially Dr. Body trying everything, and partially both of us trying to avoid the inevitable.  I have no quality of life anymore.  I don't sew, I don't blog, I don't play with my Wii (low exertion but still, fun, games, etc.).  I don't spend any time outside.  I have barely seen my mother.  I did see my sister and niece last week but the timing was all messed up by my sleeping late b/c I'd been up the entire night before, and the day exhausted me so much I slept all day Sunday.  Aside from a hamburger and heating things I cannot remember the last time I cooked.  It probably was October.  I love to cook.  But I have not energy.

I'm so tired at night that I don't even have the energy to fill water bottles.  I have tons, I just don't have the energy or patience to deal with them, much less pack a lunch.  Thank God for McDonald's oatmeal, although it seems half the time I totally forget lunch lately.

It also occurred to me today to find out of uncontrolled asthma can further batter the lungs/bronchials.  Since this occurred due to whooping cough damage I don't want to hurt them more.

(Incidentally today I overheard someone on the hospice side of my cubicle talking about how someone (who works there?  sounded like) is out with whooping cough and why didn't she have shot etc.  I wanted to walk over and explain whooping cough.  And that it's likely that although I wouldn't have infected anyone now, I did my part to spread the little epidemic, diagnosed or not, so it's nearly certainly indirectly related to me.  But criticism?  That's ridiculous.)

Tuesday I'm meeting with Dr. Body to formulate a plan.  I dread this because I know what I need and want, but it's time.  I've tried as hard as I can to do this.  Turns out that I miss breathing.  Even stupid stuff like laundry gets me all choked up just because bending over makes my lungs weird.

I'm starting to get sleepy.  I have to work tomorrow, probably most of the day, to make up for Monday.  I'm going a bit later than usual but not significantly so.

So I'm going to curl up where my cat isn't right on top of my lungs (see another thing missing because of this) and get some rest.