Tears, finally

Dr. Body took the time to send me an email at 9 pm just to tell me that if he could make things better for me he would.  Which has turned me into an emotional mess.  Which is also the result of being ripped off my psych meds 2 days ago.  I started them back today, but only part because if I restart all the Seroquel I will sleep too much, lithium is best kept for another day or two because it can be hard on the stomach, and hopefully I won't need valium although we'll see on that as the steroid made me pretty agitated.  Valium gets about 45 minutes before I give in though.

I wish we knew what was wrong specifically or had a clue how to fix it without causing new problems.  I'd give in and take a disability leave.  It would suck, but I'd do it.  However, there's nothing that can be done more than we're doing now and while my bipolar is not fun lately it's not bad enough to need time off.  Medically I do but there's no reason.  Loss of all immune function along with a hyperactive immune system doesn't do much.

I feel rotten though.  Not physically, although that's not great either, but emotionally I've had it.  One thing after another.  I'm realizing that my ankle surgery which I'd planned for next summer isn't happening; I'd kind of thought I'd be going into that time with good attendance, good work record, etc.  And instead I have the worst attendance in the world despite wanting to.

I'm just so tired of being sick.  I'm tired of spending  my life working or right here, in bed.  Almost 4 months we've been fighting with the results of whooping cough and in that time I've had stomach flu twice/three times? although this was the most severe by far.  I've had random fevers.  I have thrush, a side effect of my steroid inhaler.  I'm tired.  I no longer remember what it felt like to feel good, to get up an enjoy life for a few hours at 4 am, to have fun in my life.  I've been barely making it for so long now that it's starting to feel like that's how it always has been.  Because for so long it was, and then I really believed that part was over.  I was reading my blog from just a few weeks before I got whooping cough, when the germs were already in my body but I didn't know it, and Dr. Brain said that I was the best I had ever been.  And then my life exploded.

Dr. Mind will tell me it has been so much worse, and it has, and I'm in no position to judge right now because I'm not medicated, but I don't know how to handle one more physical thing.  Want to feel guilt?  Know that you are so freaking complicated that you are on a list that if you have problems while your doctor is recovering from surgery she will be consulted at home and then talk to the covering doctor to make sure nothing is messed up due to not knowing me.  That's right, she can't even get a few weeks to heal without potentially having to deal with me.  And she's not the only one.....Dr. Mind has come in sick to see only me more than once.  In fact he told me the other day that I'm no longer his most acutely ill pt.  I think this is supposed to be a good thing and all I can think is after 5 years???

I'm having a major pity party here tonight.   I'm just done with feeling bad and my body doesn't care what I want.

A few days of pyschotropics should help.........