About an hour ago I posted happy birthday to my niece on facebook. This began the worst panic attack I have had in many years. I am still having some symptoms and it has been an hour and I've been medicated. I don't know what triggered it; I'm thrilled she's a whole year old. She is, after all, my favorite niece. I think that the moment of memory of what this was like last year, and all the stress in my life at the moment collided. I am having to go in to work late and miss a meeting because of trying to get calmed down. However, I can't really go in while shaking and shivering (after effect of too much adrenaline) and my face swollen and on the verge of tears. I just can't believe how bad that one was.
Of course as the adrenaline leaves that just makes me tired. Tough luck there......
Dr. Brain has been contacted. At least now I've re-read what she wrote yesterday and although I thought she was mad at me I don't think so anymore. She's probably sick of me, because I've emailed her about 5 times lately and Dr. Mind did as well, but can't help this one. I'm also calling her office to be sure she gets the email because she can't go on vacation without med change options if that's going to happen.
I also am definitely not going to my niece's party Saturday. It's more than I can handle right now. Oh, and did I mention that my front door deadbolt worked nicely yesterday morning and now the door won't open? So I have to change a lock or pay a locksmith. Yippee. I've tried this before. It's not easy. hopefully it will be easier tonight.
Pray for me today if you pray please. Not gonna be easy.
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1 comment:
Hi Jen,
First an apology to you for being not here for you. I've been up and down and out of town.
"all the stress in your life colliding" sounds like a very real possibility. I so hate those panic attacks that seemingly come out of nowhere, and yeah... the aftermath pretty much leaves me a zombie. Cannot believe you're going to work and being productive - doing so says much about your strength and determination!
You haven't switched/weaned/changed any meds yet, right?
Please reconsider the idea that your doctor team is "sick of you" because I highly doubt that is the case.
First of all, you are doing the best you can with the very crappy hand you've been dealt - especially these last 6-8 months. If you didn't need them, you wouldn't contact them, and I am sure they know that.
Secondly, part (most?) of your success is that you are an active participant in your health and the decisions that need to be made. Getting things settled, for your peace of mind, BEFORE Dr. Mind goes on vacation is extremely important for a gazillion reasons! I wonder if Dr. Mind's vacation is part of your panic - it's perfectly understandable.
Thirdly, you have been through the wringer of long term physical, mental, and emotional stress. If you could take one step back, think about all you've endured, and pretend that it is someone else's scenario you will see. Can you do that? Enough is enough! You need help with this cyst, help getting through the meds ordeal, and you are doing the BEST YOU CAN! I admire you for hanging in there this long. Please be a little proud of yourself, ok?
Yes, I will pray for you Jen. Please know that I will.
And when you think about your little one-year-old niece, remember too how much she LOVES her Auntie Jen. Yes, it's been an extremely difficult year for you but I hope you let the sunshine of that little girl's love and affection shine down on you. It shows just how beautiful you are inside - little kids and babies are very good judges of character!
Hang in there today, ok? Absorb yourself in work and be easy on yourself. And most of all, remember you are loved!
B.
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