When I got sick last week Dr. Body told me that he's had tons of people with a nasty virus lately. As what I had got weirder it also was very much in sync with my sister's illness that started a few days before mine. Today Dr. Mind noticed I was short of breath, which just was asthma flare-up but not enough to be a real problem event #300 or so. I've really been better aside from a slight sore throat and fatigue and occasional coughing/asthma. Then tonight I have a fever, my throat hurts more and I have chills and body aches. And now my mom has it and I think my brother-in-law. My niece had it but only a runny nose.
Tomorrow morning my cat and I are going to the vet's. I requested an appointment with the owner, who has been a vet about as long as I've been alive. I have been through a terminal illness of a pet with him once and when Anna was diagnosed he was exceedingly helpful in talking to me in plain facts about the process her body was likely to go through and what happens with renal failure cats. He was very supportive of my hospice approach to this and so I know that he'll be supportive of this as well. I know he'll be very understanding that my goal for Anna is no suffering, yet I don't think as long as she is able to play every day, which she does, just before bed every single night for 3-5 minutes that are very active, and can still tell me what she wants whether that is food or cuddles, that she is suffering but her quality of life is definitely not great.
And that's all I've got. If I don't post tomorrow chances are I'm sick.
Monday, February 20, 2012
It's only a cat
Today was tough. I don't know why, but there were lots of tears and general depression. Some of it is money and some is just that there is so much to cope with.
Today also was one of the days that I had to look face-first into what is happening with my cat, Anna. Anna will soon be 17. My mom and sister saved her and her brother when a rat killed their mother. They were teeny then and had to be bottlefed and assisted in stimulating their bowels, kept warm, etc. I was at camp when they were tiny but they were about 6 weeks old when I came home. Anna gravitated to me immediately and that never changed. It was very clear she was my cat. So when I moved off campus in grad school Anna came to live with me. She was 2 or 3 at that time.
Anna rapidly was part of everything in my life. For the earliest part of her time with me she'd wake me wanting to eat at random early morning hours. So I started feeding her at bedtime. Then she'd wake me and want to snuggle, but not in my bed, but on the love seat where she did get snuggled daily. So I'd cram myself into the loveseat and sleep. When she was comfortable in her new home this stopped. She continued to scare me with her explorations though; for a while I couldn't figure out what that scary noise was when I showered. It turned out that she was able to climb underneat the tub in the part that is molded up and was scratching it.
Anna became rather famous in my trailer court. It's hard to describe but the design of the kitchen cabinets was a bit flawed so that there was an area to the left of the sink that went back into the corner and was impossible to really use because you couldn't reach it. There was a window in that corner that looked out to my parking space. Anna spent every day that I wasn't home in that corner and whenever a car drove up the street she would stand, check it out, and if it wasn't me go back to sleep.
Anna rapidly was just always there. I wrote most of my thesis with her on my lap. She traveled back and forth to my mom's when I went to visit. She actually grew to love traveling as long as the radio never stopped.
When we moved back to Ohio she was about 7 or 8. I decided to increase the feline population so that I wouldn't face losing her someday without another cat in the house. She was skeptical but grew to like the other cats. I felt so goofy thought as the same cat I was thinking of as "senior" jumped out of my window when I failed to put the screen back in (bipolar moment) and that day I was extremely grateful I'd trained her to come to the sound of treats being rattled. When the kittens went to the vet she needed some shots and went too. This "senior" cat was all over the exam room, including under the sink, on bookshelves, in the window, everywhere. They had to give her a toy to stop the wandering while the others were checked out.
But as time has passed she inevitably has aged. She was diagnosed with kidney failure and cataracts about 2 years ago and I chose to not treat her because of her age and because a restricted diet would make her miserable. So instead she eats and eats and has kept her weight up pretty well (the vet said the longer the weight was up the longer I'd have her). But now we have some new problems. I've written about her licking and pulling hair out of her abdomen. Originally this was called anxiety combined with her confusion. Now it is become clearly it was pain.
She has arthritis. In the last year she's gone from jumping everywhere and constantly exploring/watching out windows/following me everywhere to not wanting to leave her heated bed. Until maybe spring of last year she always came into bed during the period where you are sleeping and waking, and she cuddled and purred and it was a nice way to wake up. For a long time she couldn't even get into the bed without help. She is very sleepy much of the time and while she'll ask for food in the middle of the night the days when she wanted fed every 3 hours seem to have passed. She no longer follows me around, something she did just a few months ago.
Today I saw that she has her belly all red and possibly blistered again. I'm giving her a maximum dose of glucosamine and it does help enough to let her move around a bit and she seems less stiff but clearly it's not taking the pain away enough. It's her back legs and spine that are so bad, especially the legs. You can easily see pain when she is walking.
I spent a while crying and praying for wisdom. With the renal failure I had come up with a mental list of what I thought were signs that Anna was ready to move on from her suffereing. The things that are actually happening-arthritis, dementia-I have not thought through. I will not let her live in pain. We just started a med and so I'm giving her another week on it and then we'll call the vet if we have to. I need the pain to be controlled. So does she.
So I had one of those moments when the truth you do not want to see becomes all too clear: my time with my girl is limited. This combination of issues and her age is not good. I had never thought that pain from arthritis could be a deciding factor in the quality of life scale but it is. I actually told her today that she has to tell me when, that I'll listen. It's the best promise I've got right now.
My once-upon a time so-called friend once told me when my kitten died out of the blue that my grief was "ridiculous" because it "was only a cat".
I hope Anna knows that this part of her life, just like the rest of it, will never include a consideration that she is "just a cat". She let me know tonight that we've got time; about the time I pulled this up she climbed into my bed and cuddled for almost an hour and purred throughout. She's telling me she's ok. And that she is not "only a cat".
Today also was one of the days that I had to look face-first into what is happening with my cat, Anna. Anna will soon be 17. My mom and sister saved her and her brother when a rat killed their mother. They were teeny then and had to be bottlefed and assisted in stimulating their bowels, kept warm, etc. I was at camp when they were tiny but they were about 6 weeks old when I came home. Anna gravitated to me immediately and that never changed. It was very clear she was my cat. So when I moved off campus in grad school Anna came to live with me. She was 2 or 3 at that time.
Anna rapidly was part of everything in my life. For the earliest part of her time with me she'd wake me wanting to eat at random early morning hours. So I started feeding her at bedtime. Then she'd wake me and want to snuggle, but not in my bed, but on the love seat where she did get snuggled daily. So I'd cram myself into the loveseat and sleep. When she was comfortable in her new home this stopped. She continued to scare me with her explorations though; for a while I couldn't figure out what that scary noise was when I showered. It turned out that she was able to climb underneat the tub in the part that is molded up and was scratching it.
Anna became rather famous in my trailer court. It's hard to describe but the design of the kitchen cabinets was a bit flawed so that there was an area to the left of the sink that went back into the corner and was impossible to really use because you couldn't reach it. There was a window in that corner that looked out to my parking space. Anna spent every day that I wasn't home in that corner and whenever a car drove up the street she would stand, check it out, and if it wasn't me go back to sleep.
Anna rapidly was just always there. I wrote most of my thesis with her on my lap. She traveled back and forth to my mom's when I went to visit. She actually grew to love traveling as long as the radio never stopped.
When we moved back to Ohio she was about 7 or 8. I decided to increase the feline population so that I wouldn't face losing her someday without another cat in the house. She was skeptical but grew to like the other cats. I felt so goofy thought as the same cat I was thinking of as "senior" jumped out of my window when I failed to put the screen back in (bipolar moment) and that day I was extremely grateful I'd trained her to come to the sound of treats being rattled. When the kittens went to the vet she needed some shots and went too. This "senior" cat was all over the exam room, including under the sink, on bookshelves, in the window, everywhere. They had to give her a toy to stop the wandering while the others were checked out.
But as time has passed she inevitably has aged. She was diagnosed with kidney failure and cataracts about 2 years ago and I chose to not treat her because of her age and because a restricted diet would make her miserable. So instead she eats and eats and has kept her weight up pretty well (the vet said the longer the weight was up the longer I'd have her). But now we have some new problems. I've written about her licking and pulling hair out of her abdomen. Originally this was called anxiety combined with her confusion. Now it is become clearly it was pain.
She has arthritis. In the last year she's gone from jumping everywhere and constantly exploring/watching out windows/following me everywhere to not wanting to leave her heated bed. Until maybe spring of last year she always came into bed during the period where you are sleeping and waking, and she cuddled and purred and it was a nice way to wake up. For a long time she couldn't even get into the bed without help. She is very sleepy much of the time and while she'll ask for food in the middle of the night the days when she wanted fed every 3 hours seem to have passed. She no longer follows me around, something she did just a few months ago.
Today I saw that she has her belly all red and possibly blistered again. I'm giving her a maximum dose of glucosamine and it does help enough to let her move around a bit and she seems less stiff but clearly it's not taking the pain away enough. It's her back legs and spine that are so bad, especially the legs. You can easily see pain when she is walking.
I spent a while crying and praying for wisdom. With the renal failure I had come up with a mental list of what I thought were signs that Anna was ready to move on from her suffereing. The things that are actually happening-arthritis, dementia-I have not thought through. I will not let her live in pain. We just started a med and so I'm giving her another week on it and then we'll call the vet if we have to. I need the pain to be controlled. So does she.
So I had one of those moments when the truth you do not want to see becomes all too clear: my time with my girl is limited. This combination of issues and her age is not good. I had never thought that pain from arthritis could be a deciding factor in the quality of life scale but it is. I actually told her today that she has to tell me when, that I'll listen. It's the best promise I've got right now.
My once-upon a time so-called friend once told me when my kitten died out of the blue that my grief was "ridiculous" because it "was only a cat".
I hope Anna knows that this part of her life, just like the rest of it, will never include a consideration that she is "just a cat". She let me know tonight that we've got time; about the time I pulled this up she climbed into my bed and cuddled for almost an hour and purred throughout. She's telling me she's ok. And that she is not "only a cat".
Saturday, February 18, 2012
That explains a lot
Although I only worked a little more than half a year in 2011 I still had a decent income because the job I had paid very well. When I negotiated I had them in a tight place and they all knew it. However, things were financially tight all year. As of tonight my taxes are done and I know why I never had money: 29% of my non-taxed income went for medical expenses. And that doesn't include the surgery expenses which are pending.
I will enjoy this last big refund. It's going all for not-fun stuff instead of the anticipated installation of flooring in my house, but this other stuff will help keep me swimming financially for a while longer.
Becky
Becky is grieving the loss of her father, so please keep her in your prayers. She's a special person who I am so sad is hurting.
Needed: One toddler that I can't have
I babysat today and once again it kicked my butt. I fell asleep at 7 and slept soundly for nearly 5 hours. I'm waiting on meds to finish working now and soon will be asleep again. Naturally I have some adorable stories but I'm going to save them for later since I'm mainly just trying to make my cat get in her bed and comfortable so I can go smear antidepressant gel in her ear and give her medication disguised as treats that are apparently as good as kitty crack.
I posted on facebook that I don't need meds, I need a toddler. My brother teased that he'd like another niece/nephew and I should work on that. Those are jokes I hate. What am I supposed to say: Not passing on bipolar genes but even if I were willing to do that God did not create me to have a baby without help? I'm sure my brother doesn't have a clue that I have malfunctions in that system because I have never found the time to talk to my brother about ovulation. I know he wouldn't hurt me for the world. One of the things I resent about my hopefully soon-to-be SIL is that I know my brother wanted a baby and she did.not. and all things (it seemed) were her decision. They did concieve apparently and lost the baby.
I just wish people never made that kind of comment. I never have any idea what to say. "haha, that would be a miracle since I don't ovulate?" "uh, get right on that" (making me nauseous) "only if you pay for donor sperm and the necessary treatments AND take responsiblity for everything in my life and me when the hormones flip me out. Before my surgery when I knew that it was likely they'd find something that meant I wasn't likely to have children and was hurting about that Dr. Brain made sure that I knew that since my best chance would be very soon after surgery that if I wanted children she would support that decision although it would be a hard one for me. It was easy to say no way, that I didn't want to go through all that it would take and that I think I'd be a terrible parent. I was glad she was honest and that she made sure I knew that she would do what she could to get me through what would be a very difficult high risk pregnancy. But I also was glad that I had long ago come to terms with this. The only time I think of it much now is when I don't know what to to say, like tonight.
I feel like I'm rambling because I'm getting sleepy. More later.
I posted on facebook that I don't need meds, I need a toddler. My brother teased that he'd like another niece/nephew and I should work on that. Those are jokes I hate. What am I supposed to say: Not passing on bipolar genes but even if I were willing to do that God did not create me to have a baby without help? I'm sure my brother doesn't have a clue that I have malfunctions in that system because I have never found the time to talk to my brother about ovulation. I know he wouldn't hurt me for the world. One of the things I resent about my hopefully soon-to-be SIL is that I know my brother wanted a baby and she did.not. and all things (it seemed) were her decision. They did concieve apparently and lost the baby.
I just wish people never made that kind of comment. I never have any idea what to say. "haha, that would be a miracle since I don't ovulate?" "uh, get right on that" (making me nauseous) "only if you pay for donor sperm and the necessary treatments AND take responsiblity for everything in my life and me when the hormones flip me out. Before my surgery when I knew that it was likely they'd find something that meant I wasn't likely to have children and was hurting about that Dr. Brain made sure that I knew that since my best chance would be very soon after surgery that if I wanted children she would support that decision although it would be a hard one for me. It was easy to say no way, that I didn't want to go through all that it would take and that I think I'd be a terrible parent. I was glad she was honest and that she made sure I knew that she would do what she could to get me through what would be a very difficult high risk pregnancy. But I also was glad that I had long ago come to terms with this. The only time I think of it much now is when I don't know what to to say, like tonight.
I feel like I'm rambling because I'm getting sleepy. More later.
Friday, February 17, 2012
To Think About
This is far from a political blog. I am far from a political person. I do most voting by figuring out who thinks what about the issues I most care about, then kind of weighting issues and adding up to see who best fits my thoughts. This leaves me voting oddly at times but doing what I feel is right.
And to be completely clear while I'm pretty sure who I'll be voting for for the most part I have been way too sick for way too long to know anything more than names and some impressions. (Random trivia: Guess who spoke at my college graduation? That's right, Rick Santorum. Twice I've had encounters with unknown people who were famous later. In grad school I went to hear a free speaker at the local hospital. They gave us goodie bags and food for coming and the room wasn't that packed. I was there for bonus points. It was a good talk. Imagine my surprise a few years later when my mom was watching Oprah and called me in to hear this really great guest she has been having. He looked so familiar......I saw Dr. Oz when he wasn't famous outside of medicine.)
So I have no idea who is proposing what, but as we enter this election year please think about healthcare issues as a major problem. I am one person in a tough situtaion and right now I can't sleep most nights because of the following:
And to be completely clear while I'm pretty sure who I'll be voting for for the most part I have been way too sick for way too long to know anything more than names and some impressions. (Random trivia: Guess who spoke at my college graduation? That's right, Rick Santorum. Twice I've had encounters with unknown people who were famous later. In grad school I went to hear a free speaker at the local hospital. They gave us goodie bags and food for coming and the room wasn't that packed. I was there for bonus points. It was a good talk. Imagine my surprise a few years later when my mom was watching Oprah and called me in to hear this really great guest she has been having. He looked so familiar......I saw Dr. Oz when he wasn't famous outside of medicine.)
So I have no idea who is proposing what, but as we enter this election year please think about healthcare issues as a major problem. I am one person in a tough situtaion and right now I can't sleep most nights because of the following:
- As it stands I have 2 choices for insurance: COBRA or going without
- COBRA costs between $450 and $500/month and the coverage is bad enough that unless I am hospitalized again there would be huge out of pocket expenses.
- I do not have $450-$500/month although my mom will help but this puts both of us on a tight budget.
- I am eligible for Medicaid for people with disabilities right now (after I'm allowed into my 401k and get rid of that small amount of money).
- I can't go on Medicaid because I need something that gets me through until I'm allowed Medicare which is probably August of 2013. However I could be granted SSDI which puts me over the income limits at any time and then I wouldn't have any insurance at all since you can't go on and off and on COBRA
- SSDI is a governmental insurance policy (the I is insurance). When you go onto it you get the same benefit you would get if you were 65 and had the same history of contribution amounts (presumably based on an assumption that was true when SS was devised, that people stay in about the same earning range over a full career). However, someone who is 65 is able to go onto Medicare immediately. Disabled people have a 2 year wait (from a stated date of disability that is determined by the reviewer.)
- I am not eligible for private insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
- Ohio has a high risk pool insurane that I could get into but I'd have to go without insurance for 6 months to qualify, unless they have a clause that says you can't get it if you opted out of COBRA whih most programs that I've found do.
- If my SSDI is approved on this round my mother wants to retire in December. This one bill may be enough to prevent that.
So essentially the government has created a system in which someone who is sick enough that permanent disability has been determined neessary cannot get even slightly reasonable insurance coverage, and this will last until my SSDI has been approved (can take a few years, possibly longer than I even have COBRA coverage) and I've made it through my waiting period for Medicare. It makes no sense; first you apply for disability indicating that if you are single you are very likely to have no income (I'm blessed beyond words that I have my mom's help), then you are eligible for very little assistance considering the situation, you are very dependent on having up-to-date medical records but you can't afford to see a doctor, and then you get approved and if you have not been through the 2-3 year variation of the process you are possbily not eligible for the little assistance you had before but you still have to find a way to afford doctors and medications until Medicare opens up.
It is a horrible system and one that is stressing me out more than anything else right now. (Other states will probably have better situations; Ohio rejected some options that would have helped this).
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Oops
If you reading via feed you'll have a very strange post called crazy count and listing dates. Please ignore that. I didn't mean to publish it. I'm just trying something and will post about it when the experiment is done.
Trifecta
In only 24 hours I painfully said goodbye to a beloved career (I am not counting the PRN work I'll do eventually as career; why will become evident when we get there), got my first cold since asthma, and then spent a chunk of the night vomiting and exponentially increasing the soreness of my throat. And then I had an ugly nightmare but that's not unusual so it is only annoying, not amazing timing.
How do I do it?
How do I do it?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
That's done
I did it. I had things very organized so it was fast. People seemed to have been told to not talk to me or make a fuss. So nobody said goodbye. And that made it tear-free. Until a facebook message a minute ago anyway.
It helped that I was sort of mad because I clearly have not been coming back for longer than it has been since I resigned. My cubicle was free of my things which were in drawers and some of my things (cards, a Christmas ornament I liked enough to use it all the time) were just gone. And while I can see someone assuming those weren't meaningful items they were the last time I will get recognition for my work (the as needed work I'll do in the future will never get acknowledged) and I did want them. I probalby wouldn't have kept them too long, I am not muh of a saver, but I would like to have had the option.
Last night I tried to go to sleep and the I'm mad things finally started coming. I know that I need to deal with those feelings because they are keeping me suicidal but they also protected me today. I wrote pages of things I'm angry about and plan to continue it tonight.
I did have one extremely nice thing today; my mom's male friend sent me tulips AND candy. I hadn't even thought about this falling on Valentine's, but he made it so, so much easier by giving me something really happy. My mom just gave me chocolate which I desperately needed.
The other thing that happened today was that I have a cold. I'm not very sick but I don't feel great and I think that made me calmer because I wanted to sleep.
My niece asked to skpe tonight so I got to talk to her. The kid gets more and more amazing. I asked if the doctor found potatoes in her ears; she knew this was a joke and responded appropriately. She's easily counting to 5 and identifies most colors. She is making jokes and knows when something is funny.s She's pretending (she pretended to comb my hair through the computer screen; I live in fear of toddlesrs with combs beause my hair is far too curly to comb without a special comb. She even made sure to introduce her uncle to granma and I when he came in the room and made sure everyone was aquainted. The pediatrician was rather blown away by her verbal skills.
OK, my cat is making typing impossible and she is mostly here because she knows when I'm upset so I'll stop for now. It is not the relief I hoped for but it was not the circus I dreaded either. And I don't have to repeat that one.
It helped that I was sort of mad because I clearly have not been coming back for longer than it has been since I resigned. My cubicle was free of my things which were in drawers and some of my things (cards, a Christmas ornament I liked enough to use it all the time) were just gone. And while I can see someone assuming those weren't meaningful items they were the last time I will get recognition for my work (the as needed work I'll do in the future will never get acknowledged) and I did want them. I probalby wouldn't have kept them too long, I am not muh of a saver, but I would like to have had the option.
Last night I tried to go to sleep and the I'm mad things finally started coming. I know that I need to deal with those feelings because they are keeping me suicidal but they also protected me today. I wrote pages of things I'm angry about and plan to continue it tonight.
I did have one extremely nice thing today; my mom's male friend sent me tulips AND candy. I hadn't even thought about this falling on Valentine's, but he made it so, so much easier by giving me something really happy. My mom just gave me chocolate which I desperately needed.
The other thing that happened today was that I have a cold. I'm not very sick but I don't feel great and I think that made me calmer because I wanted to sleep.
My niece asked to skpe tonight so I got to talk to her. The kid gets more and more amazing. I asked if the doctor found potatoes in her ears; she knew this was a joke and responded appropriately. She's easily counting to 5 and identifies most colors. She is making jokes and knows when something is funny.s She's pretending (she pretended to comb my hair through the computer screen; I live in fear of toddlesrs with combs beause my hair is far too curly to comb without a special comb. She even made sure to introduce her uncle to granma and I when he came in the room and made sure everyone was aquainted. The pediatrician was rather blown away by her verbal skills.
OK, my cat is making typing impossible and she is mostly here because she knows when I'm upset so I'll stop for now. It is not the relief I hoped for but it was not the circus I dreaded either. And I don't have to repeat that one.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sad, more sad, and more sad*
*I will be marking posts dealing with suicide with an asterick if I think that it might upset someone. I have avoided being overly specific as much as I could but I need to think through it all and this is where I do that kind of writing. In comprise I'll try to keep the posts marked so you can choose.
Dr. Mind completely wore me out. I think it was really two-sided but it was another very intense, very long session. By the time we'd made it through my nightmare and the increased suicidal thoughts as I approach tomorrow and the dreaded ending of all signs I have a career and gotten finally into some of what I am avoiding dealing with and what is hidden from him because I'm hiding it from myself I had actually reached the point of wiping my nose on my sleeve because I was too overwhelmed to get a tissue.
It seems like if we start getting too close to this hurting and where I feel at risk of having to handle too much then the suicidal stuff gets worse. Because I've had several times that I've found myself feeling unsafe when close to medication aisles in stores I had to promise to not go to any stores today. I also had to promise to call and leave him messages twice tomorrow, once that I am ok in the morning and then later that I am ok after it is done. I also had to look at him and tell him I'm not planning to hurt myself. It's possible that I never conveyed how much I was thinking of this stuff several weeks ago. I did do better for a few days last week. But after we talked about how I think about this several times per day I got the impression that I hadn't previously shared this. I sobbed something about not wanting to feel worse because I don't want to go back to the hospital. I suspect I've shared this sentiment before since he kind of sighed and said nobody said I had to, but I know that any more suicidal and I'm going back and I suspect that if I'd said what I did today on any other day that did not have tomorrow's painful experience looming I would be well, wearing pants (just finished exercising, didn't grab clean ones yet) right now. I mean I'm not allowed to go into stores. My house is pretty safe place and I think that's about the only reason I am here. I think he knows I need to get this over with, but is also concerned. Calling him should be loads of fun since I have to call the secretary and probably actually talk to her, twice; he doesn't have voicemail or anything private so I have to find a way to say "hey! I didn't hurt myself. yay!" in more appropriate langauge. Twice. Not that the secretaries don't know that I am in a bad place and very sick right now but still.
This is so ridiculously hard. I know I need to talk about it and deal with it and yet I can't. It's easy to know why; if I get upset the suicidal thoughts increase. If they increase I feel worse. When I have the thoughts I am handling them but I am terrified that at some point I won't be able to. I understand that I need to deal with the anger and other feelings, but the only one that feels semi-safe is sad.
(Later) I obligingly spent some time thinking about things other than sad. I actually did this for an hour; I turned off the lights, curled up under a warm blanket because it is cold here, and what I discovered and must remember to tell him is that I can play complete the sentence (I feel angry about ___, etc) but I really truly do not feel those things right now. There are some smaller things I feel frustrated about, but mostly I feel sad and nothing but. I feel more frustration and anger about things I bought before I ever considered that I might go a few years without income and that my income would always be limited. This is not big anger. I understand that those things are coming, are probably there somewhere but I do not have the ability to even think about it right now. The sadness is far too overwhelming still and the other things are scary. The thing keeping me safe besides baby-proofing right now is that every harmful thought it impulsive. Because there is one thought, consuming large quantities of tylenol that is more prevelant that one concerns Dr. Mind. But that is easy enough that if I wanted to I could certainly access that and I haven't tried. Somewhere though someone is going to say that "I haven't tried" only stretches so far.
In a way the having to call in frustrates me more than almost anything else. He knows only part of this story but years ago I say a psychiatrist once. I don't even remember her name now, unfortunately as she'd be a nice medical record to add to the disability list. When I saw her I was really not on meds yet and I was pretty agitated. Which got much worse when she insisted I be admitted to the hospital and that if I did not agree she was going to put me on a psych hold. I kind of yelled at her. However I managed to get the right terms out to let her know that I would fight and probably would win on any hold because I knew what to say to show I didn't meet the criteria. She left it as she'd give me a week to get things together but the next week I was to call her and would need to be hospitalized then. By the next week I'd put all kinds of stuff in place to be hospitalized and she never mentioned it. Nor did she remain my doctor. But that call-in thing reminds me of that time years ago in a totally different situation.
I am so tired. It is impressive how exhausted I get crying through every session. But it's not just tears, it is that each one is hard work and often hard thinking later. And this time, dreading tomorrow.
I wish I could just make tomorrow be over with and forgotten. Not likely though.
Dr. Mind completely wore me out. I think it was really two-sided but it was another very intense, very long session. By the time we'd made it through my nightmare and the increased suicidal thoughts as I approach tomorrow and the dreaded ending of all signs I have a career and gotten finally into some of what I am avoiding dealing with and what is hidden from him because I'm hiding it from myself I had actually reached the point of wiping my nose on my sleeve because I was too overwhelmed to get a tissue.
It seems like if we start getting too close to this hurting and where I feel at risk of having to handle too much then the suicidal stuff gets worse. Because I've had several times that I've found myself feeling unsafe when close to medication aisles in stores I had to promise to not go to any stores today. I also had to promise to call and leave him messages twice tomorrow, once that I am ok in the morning and then later that I am ok after it is done. I also had to look at him and tell him I'm not planning to hurt myself. It's possible that I never conveyed how much I was thinking of this stuff several weeks ago. I did do better for a few days last week. But after we talked about how I think about this several times per day I got the impression that I hadn't previously shared this. I sobbed something about not wanting to feel worse because I don't want to go back to the hospital. I suspect I've shared this sentiment before since he kind of sighed and said nobody said I had to, but I know that any more suicidal and I'm going back and I suspect that if I'd said what I did today on any other day that did not have tomorrow's painful experience looming I would be well, wearing pants (just finished exercising, didn't grab clean ones yet) right now. I mean I'm not allowed to go into stores. My house is pretty safe place and I think that's about the only reason I am here. I think he knows I need to get this over with, but is also concerned. Calling him should be loads of fun since I have to call the secretary and probably actually talk to her, twice; he doesn't have voicemail or anything private so I have to find a way to say "hey! I didn't hurt myself. yay!" in more appropriate langauge. Twice. Not that the secretaries don't know that I am in a bad place and very sick right now but still.
This is so ridiculously hard. I know I need to talk about it and deal with it and yet I can't. It's easy to know why; if I get upset the suicidal thoughts increase. If they increase I feel worse. When I have the thoughts I am handling them but I am terrified that at some point I won't be able to. I understand that I need to deal with the anger and other feelings, but the only one that feels semi-safe is sad.
(Later) I obligingly spent some time thinking about things other than sad. I actually did this for an hour; I turned off the lights, curled up under a warm blanket because it is cold here, and what I discovered and must remember to tell him is that I can play complete the sentence (I feel angry about ___, etc) but I really truly do not feel those things right now. There are some smaller things I feel frustrated about, but mostly I feel sad and nothing but. I feel more frustration and anger about things I bought before I ever considered that I might go a few years without income and that my income would always be limited. This is not big anger. I understand that those things are coming, are probably there somewhere but I do not have the ability to even think about it right now. The sadness is far too overwhelming still and the other things are scary. The thing keeping me safe besides baby-proofing right now is that every harmful thought it impulsive. Because there is one thought, consuming large quantities of tylenol that is more prevelant that one concerns Dr. Mind. But that is easy enough that if I wanted to I could certainly access that and I haven't tried. Somewhere though someone is going to say that "I haven't tried" only stretches so far.
In a way the having to call in frustrates me more than almost anything else. He knows only part of this story but years ago I say a psychiatrist once. I don't even remember her name now, unfortunately as she'd be a nice medical record to add to the disability list. When I saw her I was really not on meds yet and I was pretty agitated. Which got much worse when she insisted I be admitted to the hospital and that if I did not agree she was going to put me on a psych hold. I kind of yelled at her. However I managed to get the right terms out to let her know that I would fight and probably would win on any hold because I knew what to say to show I didn't meet the criteria. She left it as she'd give me a week to get things together but the next week I was to call her and would need to be hospitalized then. By the next week I'd put all kinds of stuff in place to be hospitalized and she never mentioned it. Nor did she remain my doctor. But that call-in thing reminds me of that time years ago in a totally different situation.
I am so tired. It is impressive how exhausted I get crying through every session. But it's not just tears, it is that each one is hard work and often hard thinking later. And this time, dreading tomorrow.
I wish I could just make tomorrow be over with and forgotten. Not likely though.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Re-set Please*
*I am going to try to mark posts that are suicide related with an asterick. I try to be sensitive that others may not really want to read this, but I need to be able to write about it and this blog is where that needs to happen to keep it in context.
Before I came home from the hospital last time Dr. Mind and I agreed that I would have 2 locked med boxes. One has a keyed lock and he has the keys; I take the box to him and count out handfuls of pills every Thursday. The other has a padlock. My daily meds are in there and I can get in the box at will; the hope is that if I feel very impulsive having to find the numbers to open the lock will slow me. So far we've had good success with this and while I get annoyed with lugging meds around all the time and having to guess how many PRN meds I'll need in a given time span it does keep me safe.
The padlock I bought has a feature where you can change the code. The thing is that it is not easy to do. I had to try numerous times to manage to push the little button with a pen while holding the big button down and standing on my head. I'm beginning to wish I could reset my brain with a little fine motor coordination.
When I came home from the hospital it was with the knowledge that I would possibly struggle with the suicidal thinking for a while and a lot of support would be given to monitor and keep me safe. While acknowledging this one of the first things that Dr. Mind said when I came home was that he can help but he cannot keep me safe if I don't want to be because the world is full of dangers. That was one of the most important things anyone has said to me about any of this. Sure enough, if I go into a pharmacy I find myself fighting to stay away from medications. This happens every time. I try to avoid them but sometimes can't help needing something sold by a pharmacy. However, being aware that I am walking in a more dangerous place has kept me from doing anything dangerously impulsive thus far.
This coming week scares me. This whole returning my work things is a day I have hoped for years would never happen, yet feared because I knew it might. It's hard enough to leave a job I love, but it is much, much harder to leave a whole career. I am not going to say all this again; I've been saying it for so long now.
My sleep is getting even more messed up than it was. I had a nasty nightmare 2 nights ago that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's a tough one because it is possible that it is real. But I don't know. I hope Dr. Mind can help. A few years ago somehow my terror of guns came up in counseling. It seemed pretty evident that I have had some bad experience that I don't remember. I may have dreamed about it. The first thing to know is that I was a suicidal teenager for some time. The second is that guns were kept in the open, bullets were kept with the guns and despite my terror I know how to load and fire the pistol that was in our home. I'm sure I've fired rifles as well since we had them but I don't remember how to do anything with them. In this dream I climbed on a chair, retrieved the pistol and some bullets, climbed down and loaded the gun. I woke then scared and have barely slept since. I have no idea if this is a real dream or just another way my mind is threatening my body. But having this dream while facing a week that is going to be rough is not helpful and makes me wonder what else my brain has to throw at me. I'm becoming more and more certain that my brain hates me. Or it is just sad like everything else.
Before I came home from the hospital last time Dr. Mind and I agreed that I would have 2 locked med boxes. One has a keyed lock and he has the keys; I take the box to him and count out handfuls of pills every Thursday. The other has a padlock. My daily meds are in there and I can get in the box at will; the hope is that if I feel very impulsive having to find the numbers to open the lock will slow me. So far we've had good success with this and while I get annoyed with lugging meds around all the time and having to guess how many PRN meds I'll need in a given time span it does keep me safe.
The padlock I bought has a feature where you can change the code. The thing is that it is not easy to do. I had to try numerous times to manage to push the little button with a pen while holding the big button down and standing on my head. I'm beginning to wish I could reset my brain with a little fine motor coordination.
When I came home from the hospital it was with the knowledge that I would possibly struggle with the suicidal thinking for a while and a lot of support would be given to monitor and keep me safe. While acknowledging this one of the first things that Dr. Mind said when I came home was that he can help but he cannot keep me safe if I don't want to be because the world is full of dangers. That was one of the most important things anyone has said to me about any of this. Sure enough, if I go into a pharmacy I find myself fighting to stay away from medications. This happens every time. I try to avoid them but sometimes can't help needing something sold by a pharmacy. However, being aware that I am walking in a more dangerous place has kept me from doing anything dangerously impulsive thus far.
This coming week scares me. This whole returning my work things is a day I have hoped for years would never happen, yet feared because I knew it might. It's hard enough to leave a job I love, but it is much, much harder to leave a whole career. I am not going to say all this again; I've been saying it for so long now.
My sleep is getting even more messed up than it was. I had a nasty nightmare 2 nights ago that I can't seem to get out of my head. It's a tough one because it is possible that it is real. But I don't know. I hope Dr. Mind can help. A few years ago somehow my terror of guns came up in counseling. It seemed pretty evident that I have had some bad experience that I don't remember. I may have dreamed about it. The first thing to know is that I was a suicidal teenager for some time. The second is that guns were kept in the open, bullets were kept with the guns and despite my terror I know how to load and fire the pistol that was in our home. I'm sure I've fired rifles as well since we had them but I don't remember how to do anything with them. In this dream I climbed on a chair, retrieved the pistol and some bullets, climbed down and loaded the gun. I woke then scared and have barely slept since. I have no idea if this is a real dream or just another way my mind is threatening my body. But having this dream while facing a week that is going to be rough is not helpful and makes me wonder what else my brain has to throw at me. I'm becoming more and more certain that my brain hates me. Or it is just sad like everything else.
Gonna be hard
Tuesday I go to turn in the stuff belonging to my company and retrieve the things belonging to me. I am dreading this. I know getting it over with is best, and Dr. Mind reminded me it would hurt a lot and cause unneeded hurting and anxiety if I wait as it won't get easier, but I don't want to. This is the most concrete thing I will have done in the whole quitting process (writing the resignation was something that I managed to do while protecting myself with layers of concrete and the distance of email) but this time I have to see people and talk to people and put my stuff in a bag and walk away from my cubicle. I probably have to cry in public and I'm sure I'll have to say some good-byes although I do not want to.
I just sorted through my bag that had forms and medical phone numbers and recourses and electrical stimulation pads and gadgets and the like. It was what held my computer and it went everywhere with me. When removed everything in the bag I found an enormous supply of feminine hygiene products that reminded me what I was going through last summer and I found a stack of business cards. I promptly burst into tears. I never had the cards before and really liked being able to give them out without having to write down a bunch of stuff. I also felt official and professional with them. And since I am not very likely to have a real job again and nobody will buy cards for someone working as sporadically as I will be when I get that far these will be the last I have, unless I make my own to feel better. Which would probably not be worthwhile.
Regardless this plus one ugly nightmare last night have me in a crummy mood and I am afraid that this will be continuing through the next few days until this is over with.
I am so tired of things hurting.
I just sorted through my bag that had forms and medical phone numbers and recourses and electrical stimulation pads and gadgets and the like. It was what held my computer and it went everywhere with me. When removed everything in the bag I found an enormous supply of feminine hygiene products that reminded me what I was going through last summer and I found a stack of business cards. I promptly burst into tears. I never had the cards before and really liked being able to give them out without having to write down a bunch of stuff. I also felt official and professional with them. And since I am not very likely to have a real job again and nobody will buy cards for someone working as sporadically as I will be when I get that far these will be the last I have, unless I make my own to feel better. Which would probably not be worthwhile.
Regardless this plus one ugly nightmare last night have me in a crummy mood and I am afraid that this will be continuing through the next few days until this is over with.
I am so tired of things hurting.
Friday, February 10, 2012
The Change
Two weeks ago, just a few days after I found out that I was not getting longterm disability (which was denied, surprise, surprise) I went back to see Dr. Mind, who had seen the initial effects first hand as I had gotten the letter, cried all the way to his office and held it together sort of in the waiting room, then fell apart completely when he looked at me and asked if I'd had a bad drive. Now I am honestly feeling a little better and I know it shows. Writing is easier because I can usually complete my thought without too much effort. The 2nd time I saw him that week he noted that I looked "terrified".
I'm not now. I am deeply concerned about how this will go if I am denied on round 1. If you are denied on 1 you are nearly certain to be denied on round 2. Then it takes a year or 2 to get a court date to appeal on round 3. There is no way to know what will happen; it depends a great deal on the reviewer who currently will have requested my medical records.
Dr. Brain told me that she thinks I have the situation that lends itself to approval. But the truth is that there is no ideal situation. What I do know is that the more I read I can't find someone specifically say that having a disability for a long time, with many years of documentation of ups and downs and work difficulties is better than being diagnosed with something that might be even more debilitating but there isn't a test of time to show this. Dr. Brain told me that she has put additional details in my records for years in case this happened, to show how hard I've tried. Looking back into the blog history I found where she'd told me this years ago as well and I had forgotten. In addition both Dr. Body and the pulmonologist should have documentation of their recommendations that work was making things worse. I know that Dr. Mind also had years of proof but his specific notes will not be evaluated since they are psychotherapy. What will come out of his records will be treatment plans, insurance paperwork, and what he writes on his form explaining why I can't work from his perspective.
I'm reading that a lot of denials happen because the reviewer feels there is some job the person could do. I hope that I am well covered here. I told Dr. Mind yesterday that I'd thought about trying to get a few hours of work just to have a tiny bit of money. But when I thought about it there aren't low-income jobs that I can do because I can't handle noise and around here most jobs that might work with the current cognitive problems and that would have less stress in terms of no decision making involve loud beeping. And there is certainly proof that I cannot work as an OT.
But even when I'm handling it better, waiting is so hard. And you probably should expect to hear this frequently for quite some time because it truly is all I can think of sometimes.
I'm not now. I am deeply concerned about how this will go if I am denied on round 1. If you are denied on 1 you are nearly certain to be denied on round 2. Then it takes a year or 2 to get a court date to appeal on round 3. There is no way to know what will happen; it depends a great deal on the reviewer who currently will have requested my medical records.
Dr. Brain told me that she thinks I have the situation that lends itself to approval. But the truth is that there is no ideal situation. What I do know is that the more I read I can't find someone specifically say that having a disability for a long time, with many years of documentation of ups and downs and work difficulties is better than being diagnosed with something that might be even more debilitating but there isn't a test of time to show this. Dr. Brain told me that she has put additional details in my records for years in case this happened, to show how hard I've tried. Looking back into the blog history I found where she'd told me this years ago as well and I had forgotten. In addition both Dr. Body and the pulmonologist should have documentation of their recommendations that work was making things worse. I know that Dr. Mind also had years of proof but his specific notes will not be evaluated since they are psychotherapy. What will come out of his records will be treatment plans, insurance paperwork, and what he writes on his form explaining why I can't work from his perspective.
I'm reading that a lot of denials happen because the reviewer feels there is some job the person could do. I hope that I am well covered here. I told Dr. Mind yesterday that I'd thought about trying to get a few hours of work just to have a tiny bit of money. But when I thought about it there aren't low-income jobs that I can do because I can't handle noise and around here most jobs that might work with the current cognitive problems and that would have less stress in terms of no decision making involve loud beeping. And there is certainly proof that I cannot work as an OT.
But even when I'm handling it better, waiting is so hard. And you probably should expect to hear this frequently for quite some time because it truly is all I can think of sometimes.
Beautiful
As I've said many times, I don't do music. So sometimes a song has been out a long time before I hear it. This one is only about 18 months old. It is by Mercy Me, who have several really great songs in my extremely limited musical interest list.
Today I was a bit early for my appointment with Dr. Mind and we were meeting at an odd time so nobody else was in the waiting room. I was able to peacefully listen to the music when it caught my attention. And what caught my attention was this:
I will be listening to this song a lot now.
Today I was a bit early for my appointment with Dr. Mind and we were meeting at an odd time so nobody else was in the waiting room. I was able to peacefully listen to the music when it caught my attention. And what caught my attention was this:
I will be listening to this song a lot now.
Prayers
Last week I asked a friend to pray that I could be at peace with either dealing with the suicidal things at home or that I could be at peace going back to the hospital. In response he prayed that I be at peace with not hurting myself. And very soon I was. It's not all gone, I think about it daily but unlike last week I have not done anything worrisome or really even thought anything too awful. That is a wonderful break. In fact tonight at my class I even smiled and sort of joked as I talked about the reason I'm knitting is because it turns out if you have a lot of knowledge about meds and you have chosen one to harm yourself with they tend to not let you have meds. It was funnier to me because I know about the entire locked box and the procedure Dr. Mind and I go through every week to get my meds to me safely. But the best part? A week ago both Dr. Mind and I thought I may have to be hospitalized. Today was the first time he has forgotten to ask me if I'd been thinking bad things since I was in the hospital and he started the new routine on the phone. I was gone before I realized that I was good enough to make him forget.
I am feeling better. There's a long, long way to go, but I feel more like myself than I have in so long I can't even name it. I still cry every day but today I laughed, more than once. It actually sounds strange to hear myself laugh. It wasn't manic laugh either. I feel somewhat manic but this was just laughing. It was also a few times with Dr. Mind when I was talking about unimportant things and was relaxed and talked about something completely non-urgent.
I also was finally able to bring up my greatest fear today: what happens now? I have no idea. I know we hope that I get to feel like myself again. But I don't know if that's even realistic. I know that eventually we back off on all the intense support. Someday we go back to once a week visits to Dr. Mind and I will control my meds again. Someday I won't cry every day and I really hope that SOON I quit crying without noticing. Dr. Mind tells me this is a way I'm protecting myself but I am constantly wondering if I'm crying in public, again, without noticing.
In the last 6 weeks or so there have been 2 times in Dr. Mind's office that have really stuck in my head as crucial points in what I was dealing with. One of them was maybe 3 weeks ago when my sobbing finally got out the words to tell him that I was so ashamed of myself for the suicidal stuff, that I knew I had promised him one thing ever and that was to tell him if I felt that way and I always had, but then I got to a danger point and I hadn't. At this point every drop of fear and horror at my own thinking and plotting and avoiding the truth came out and I sobbed and sobbed. He let me cry and I have no idea what he looked like because I couldn't see, but for a long time I cried and cried and he kept telling me over and over "oh no, no,no. Don't think that. No, no, that's not how it is." After a long while he told me that I didn't ever need to worry about bringing it up, that he would ask and I had to only say yes or no. This is, of course, inaccurate, because if I say yes then I have a whole bunch more questions to answer, but it is a lot easier and has then made it easier for me to bring up when there was a big episode that needed prioritized. Someday we need to talk about suicide out of the context of my feeling like it, but we may have to do that sooner because I need to talk about it before my class gets to that topic. I have no idea if I wrote about the day in the hospital that I said "I'm suicidal" aloud. The day before I had said a few times I didn't want to live, and then ultimately written out the suicide thing for the nurse. It was the 23rd and for a bit there were only 3 of us on the unit. We had an art therapy group and for much of it only 2 of us were there. We started talking and the words finally, finally came out, how I would rather die than face the end of my career. I talked a LOT in that group and so did the other woman, so much that it went on for something like 3 hours. After that I said it a lot while I was in the hospital and it got easier to say and to live with. But with Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain it was a whole other ballpark because I knew that I handled it badly with both of them. Apparently not being able to talk about being suicidal is forgivable, but I am still not comfortable.
The other time, which had a lot to do with the shift now, was last week. We'd been through did I need to be in the hospital, what he was going to use as the criteria for pushing it (which I didn't absorb and keep forgetting to go back to), and the ongoing "what has happened to my life and i don't want this" that made up a lot of my life since the sudden understanding I'd be making enormous changes that were more permanent than I'd let myself accept. (And thank God I as I just now learned my longterm disability through work was denied and it's much better to have my claim in week 2 than for it to be started tonight. One thing I have learned is that if you come to a realization there is even a SLIGHT chance you may be heading for SSDI or SSI apply immediately for benefits. It's easier to undo a claim than to wait for approval. If you're in supreme denial as I was this doesn't work, but I could have easily applied in November following the terrible job I did trying to go back.) Anyway, after I'd cried for over an hour off and on he decided to pray with me. We seem to do that when something is huge, and we prayed for a very long time, maybe 10 or 15 minutes? I don't know what all he said, but I do know that he was emotional as well.
Those 2 prayers were accompanied by many more that I don't know about specifically, and others that were carefully written here in my comments. And I have been getting a tiny bit better since. I think today is the first time that I thought I may feel good again. I still need to ask if I will ever feel like me again, and what they feel will be a reasonable prognosis at this time, but that's for my next session. Actually he said we'd do that in small pieces every session for a while so I'm guess I'm not going to enjoy some of the answer. But really nothing can be as bad as losing so much of my identity with my career. Two huge losses at the same time have to be worse than learning I may not feel great again until there is a chance for a new medication.
So, for tonight, a little happiness from a freezing cold (I think because I'm emotionally drained; class was intense tonight) Jen.
I am feeling better. There's a long, long way to go, but I feel more like myself than I have in so long I can't even name it. I still cry every day but today I laughed, more than once. It actually sounds strange to hear myself laugh. It wasn't manic laugh either. I feel somewhat manic but this was just laughing. It was also a few times with Dr. Mind when I was talking about unimportant things and was relaxed and talked about something completely non-urgent.
I also was finally able to bring up my greatest fear today: what happens now? I have no idea. I know we hope that I get to feel like myself again. But I don't know if that's even realistic. I know that eventually we back off on all the intense support. Someday we go back to once a week visits to Dr. Mind and I will control my meds again. Someday I won't cry every day and I really hope that SOON I quit crying without noticing. Dr. Mind tells me this is a way I'm protecting myself but I am constantly wondering if I'm crying in public, again, without noticing.
In the last 6 weeks or so there have been 2 times in Dr. Mind's office that have really stuck in my head as crucial points in what I was dealing with. One of them was maybe 3 weeks ago when my sobbing finally got out the words to tell him that I was so ashamed of myself for the suicidal stuff, that I knew I had promised him one thing ever and that was to tell him if I felt that way and I always had, but then I got to a danger point and I hadn't. At this point every drop of fear and horror at my own thinking and plotting and avoiding the truth came out and I sobbed and sobbed. He let me cry and I have no idea what he looked like because I couldn't see, but for a long time I cried and cried and he kept telling me over and over "oh no, no,no. Don't think that. No, no, that's not how it is." After a long while he told me that I didn't ever need to worry about bringing it up, that he would ask and I had to only say yes or no. This is, of course, inaccurate, because if I say yes then I have a whole bunch more questions to answer, but it is a lot easier and has then made it easier for me to bring up when there was a big episode that needed prioritized. Someday we need to talk about suicide out of the context of my feeling like it, but we may have to do that sooner because I need to talk about it before my class gets to that topic. I have no idea if I wrote about the day in the hospital that I said "I'm suicidal" aloud. The day before I had said a few times I didn't want to live, and then ultimately written out the suicide thing for the nurse. It was the 23rd and for a bit there were only 3 of us on the unit. We had an art therapy group and for much of it only 2 of us were there. We started talking and the words finally, finally came out, how I would rather die than face the end of my career. I talked a LOT in that group and so did the other woman, so much that it went on for something like 3 hours. After that I said it a lot while I was in the hospital and it got easier to say and to live with. But with Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain it was a whole other ballpark because I knew that I handled it badly with both of them. Apparently not being able to talk about being suicidal is forgivable, but I am still not comfortable.
The other time, which had a lot to do with the shift now, was last week. We'd been through did I need to be in the hospital, what he was going to use as the criteria for pushing it (which I didn't absorb and keep forgetting to go back to), and the ongoing "what has happened to my life and i don't want this" that made up a lot of my life since the sudden understanding I'd be making enormous changes that were more permanent than I'd let myself accept. (And thank God I as I just now learned my longterm disability through work was denied and it's much better to have my claim in week 2 than for it to be started tonight. One thing I have learned is that if you come to a realization there is even a SLIGHT chance you may be heading for SSDI or SSI apply immediately for benefits. It's easier to undo a claim than to wait for approval. If you're in supreme denial as I was this doesn't work, but I could have easily applied in November following the terrible job I did trying to go back.) Anyway, after I'd cried for over an hour off and on he decided to pray with me. We seem to do that when something is huge, and we prayed for a very long time, maybe 10 or 15 minutes? I don't know what all he said, but I do know that he was emotional as well.
Those 2 prayers were accompanied by many more that I don't know about specifically, and others that were carefully written here in my comments. And I have been getting a tiny bit better since. I think today is the first time that I thought I may feel good again. I still need to ask if I will ever feel like me again, and what they feel will be a reasonable prognosis at this time, but that's for my next session. Actually he said we'd do that in small pieces every session for a while so I'm guess I'm not going to enjoy some of the answer. But really nothing can be as bad as losing so much of my identity with my career. Two huge losses at the same time have to be worse than learning I may not feel great again until there is a chance for a new medication.
So, for tonight, a little happiness from a freezing cold (I think because I'm emotionally drained; class was intense tonight) Jen.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Not needed
For the past few weeks it has been really weird as I've been treated for JUST depression. JUST depression is not something I see very often and it has feel odd.
Well, it's over. Mania has started and now I'm back to my typical mixed episode. The net result is that I am EXHAUSTED (the med change last night didn't get me to sleep sooner but did make me groggy until about 7 pm) and yet having a hard time sitting still. I have probably done more around the house in the last hour than I have in 2 or 3 months in the last 25 minutes. Granted, 25 minutes isn't very long and I didn't do anything fancy. But I did make recyclables take up less space and bagged them, I washed a few dishes, I cleaned off the stovetop since something had spilled without my knowledge. Last night in a similar burst of MUST DO SOMETHING NOW at the unfortunate hour of about 2:30 AM I straightened up my bedroom. It's not done but it's neater than it has been in a very long time. And truly at this point I'm happy with just "nothing growing where it shouldn't".
One thing that gets hard with these periods is that I wind up feeling a combination of exhaustion from the depression and "THIS WILL NOT DO, CLEAN IT UP, FIX IT NOW" from the mania. And of course listening to the mania just makes me more tired and listening to the depression makes the mania unbearable. Hopefully this is just because of the med change and won't last long.
I scheduled a time next week to return company property and get my stuff. That's likely to send me back to the down side again. But I need to get it over with as I dread it and know it's going to be a very hard time and I just need to get past it. I honestly think it was easier to quit than to do this, probably because that task tends to be pretty hard when you are leaving a job to go to another. This time the books and things that have always traveled with me from job to job will move to places in my home. Hard to imagine.
Anyway, I'm going to try to take meds a little early and hope I can go to the city a little early tomorrow so I can get a script filled and pick up milk and the like before I see Dr. Mind so that we can lock up the dangerous med instead of my having it locked in the car (not good for it) until next week.
Well, it's over. Mania has started and now I'm back to my typical mixed episode. The net result is that I am EXHAUSTED (the med change last night didn't get me to sleep sooner but did make me groggy until about 7 pm) and yet having a hard time sitting still. I have probably done more around the house in the last hour than I have in 2 or 3 months in the last 25 minutes. Granted, 25 minutes isn't very long and I didn't do anything fancy. But I did make recyclables take up less space and bagged them, I washed a few dishes, I cleaned off the stovetop since something had spilled without my knowledge. Last night in a similar burst of MUST DO SOMETHING NOW at the unfortunate hour of about 2:30 AM I straightened up my bedroom. It's not done but it's neater than it has been in a very long time. And truly at this point I'm happy with just "nothing growing where it shouldn't".
One thing that gets hard with these periods is that I wind up feeling a combination of exhaustion from the depression and "THIS WILL NOT DO, CLEAN IT UP, FIX IT NOW" from the mania. And of course listening to the mania just makes me more tired and listening to the depression makes the mania unbearable. Hopefully this is just because of the med change and won't last long.
I scheduled a time next week to return company property and get my stuff. That's likely to send me back to the down side again. But I need to get it over with as I dread it and know it's going to be a very hard time and I just need to get past it. I honestly think it was easier to quit than to do this, probably because that task tends to be pretty hard when you are leaving a job to go to another. This time the books and things that have always traveled with me from job to job will move to places in my home. Hard to imagine.
Anyway, I'm going to try to take meds a little early and hope I can go to the city a little early tomorrow so I can get a script filled and pick up milk and the like before I see Dr. Mind so that we can lock up the dangerous med instead of my having it locked in the car (not good for it) until next week.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Easier day
I had a rough night with my cat and I taking turns waking. But once I got going I had a better day, one of the few I haven't thought of suicide in more than fleeting words in a very long time. And so far I think I've only cried once. I had dinner at my mom's, then we skyped with my niece for a while. She's counting to 5, recognizing letters, and filling in words to songs. She also kept rolling her eyes, which apparently she only does with my mom and I. She was so, so excited to see me kept yelling "Jen!Jen!Aunt Jen!" while rolling her eyes so my sister asked if I roll my eyes at her. OF COURSE. There is a goofy little song about a frog I've been singing her all her life about at about 11 months she latched on to it and kept signing frog whenever she saw me. Part of the song involves rolling my eyes and sticking out my tongue and she thinks it is HILARIOUs. Now she's figured out eye-rolling. She is just beginning drinking from an open cup. This involves my sister giving her a tiny bit, she sips, then she turns the cup totally upside down, hands it to my sister and say"pour?". She's absolutely amazing. I am watching her one day next week and am hoping to build up to once a week as my sleep corrects. I also laughed at what parents do for kids. Several years ago a stray cat showed up at my sister's. My brother-in-law fed it. She's a sweet cat but my sister just didn't want one then, especially not a non-spayed pregnant one. The cat LOVES my niece. I took maybe 100 pictures one day in the fall and in a vast majority when blown up the cat is somewhere in the background. Well, the cat lives in the house now...
It was so fun to just watch her play.
I even was good and took a walk. Drs. Brain and Mind talked yesterday and while I don't really know about what it seems that there are going to be some things I am told and expected to do and exercising out of my house is one of them. So I parked just inside the town, walked up to pay my water bill and then took a convoluted route back to the car. It's tricky to get a long walk in a small town. Not that long matter, I think a mile is good and I'm sure I got that. Don't tell but both of my last 2 walks have actually be really stress-relieving. It's just hard when I'm not sleeping and feel so depressed. It seems unfair that the treatment for depression is to be active when that's so far from what feels right.
The only time I cried today was sending an email asking if I can come in next week to return the stuff belonging to my company and get my own things. Dr. Brain is reminding me I really need to do this and get it over with and I sob at the mention/thought because it is so final. But when it is over it is over and that's a good thing. Actually there will be one more thing, I want to write a thank-you to everyone I worked with to go in the "good work" box for recognition. We'll see if the day I asked about works; I want to try to do it when my mom can drive because I don't know I'll be in good shape to drive afterward. I can't explain how hard it will be to get my things out of my desk for the last time. I've so rarely even had a desk, much less a cubicle and while I'm fairly sure that others have been using it by this point I also assume my things are there where I left them.
Anyway, one round of tears is an easy day lately. And I need to get set up to maybe fall asleep since tonight I actually remembered to make the med adjustment I needed to make last night.
It was so fun to just watch her play.
I even was good and took a walk. Drs. Brain and Mind talked yesterday and while I don't really know about what it seems that there are going to be some things I am told and expected to do and exercising out of my house is one of them. So I parked just inside the town, walked up to pay my water bill and then took a convoluted route back to the car. It's tricky to get a long walk in a small town. Not that long matter, I think a mile is good and I'm sure I got that. Don't tell but both of my last 2 walks have actually be really stress-relieving. It's just hard when I'm not sleeping and feel so depressed. It seems unfair that the treatment for depression is to be active when that's so far from what feels right.
The only time I cried today was sending an email asking if I can come in next week to return the stuff belonging to my company and get my own things. Dr. Brain is reminding me I really need to do this and get it over with and I sob at the mention/thought because it is so final. But when it is over it is over and that's a good thing. Actually there will be one more thing, I want to write a thank-you to everyone I worked with to go in the "good work" box for recognition. We'll see if the day I asked about works; I want to try to do it when my mom can drive because I don't know I'll be in good shape to drive afterward. I can't explain how hard it will be to get my things out of my desk for the last time. I've so rarely even had a desk, much less a cubicle and while I'm fairly sure that others have been using it by this point I also assume my things are there where I left them.
Anyway, one round of tears is an easy day lately. And I need to get set up to maybe fall asleep since tonight I actually remembered to make the med adjustment I needed to make last night.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Well, that's it...see you in New Jersey
SSDI is a federal program managed by the states. In theory use of the same criteria should mean consistent approval/rejection rates for the first application. It doesn't. Ohio is, of course, one of the harder states at 70% denial. New Jersey, on the other hand, is only 50%. As I understand it these rates are probably affected by people desperate for anything they can get applying when the economy is so very bad here, but some of it, I am sure, has to do with Ohio's jobless rate/poverty rate means that they are restricting people from overtaxing a very tight system. My doctors have wanted me to move away from pollution. I realize New Jersey isn't that, but surely it's worth it to get the benefits?
Interesting day. Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind talked on the phone about me for quite a while. I don't know what they discussed really aside from how to make me less depressed. So now I am being pushed to resist the depression more. It also appeared that they decided that he'll keep monitoring the suicidal stuff and reminding me how and when to get help and that if I do this I should stay home.
Mostly though I am now 100% sure everyone is on board with the stopping working thing.
Interesting day. Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind talked on the phone about me for quite a while. I don't know what they discussed really aside from how to make me less depressed. So now I am being pushed to resist the depression more. It also appeared that they decided that he'll keep monitoring the suicidal stuff and reminding me how and when to get help and that if I do this I should stay home.
Mostly though I am now 100% sure everyone is on board with the stopping working thing.
another step complete
I made it through the phone thing only crying a few times. I was quite frustrated to learn that my mother loaning me money counts as income and so I won't be getting SSI. She said it wouldn't come through for a while (or it is a supplement to SSDI?) or something so I guess that's ok. This is just a tough process. I was just hoping for the extra money. She had me add diagnoses that are less relevant saying everything should be there. She had me fill in a few blanks from the application that I didn't realize were there. And she did something that Dr. Brain said was a good thing--she put the start of disability date as the first day I couldn't work, back in August. That means I'll be eligible for Medicare in 08/2013. The sooner the better. I'm trying to find a policy that is more affordable than COBRA and it's not going well.
Anyway, the disability stuff is way out of my hands now. And there it will remain for a long time.
Anyway, the disability stuff is way out of my hands now. And there it will remain for a long time.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Taking life for granted
The last 2 weeks (I can't believe it has been so long) have taught me a great deal about how easy it is to get so comfortable in our lives. OTs make a great deal of money. I've never actually made what I should've because I've missed work with disability or not worked full time. But I've always had a very good income for a single person.
It is startling to face life 100% differently than I expected 2 weeks ago. At that point I was ready for an income decline and change to COBRA. But I knew that I could afford to make payments for counseling and paying off medical bills and just keeping things as they were. I never thought much about how much is spent without consideration. I have had a home phone line for years that I didn't need because I thought I had to to have DSL. I was very wrong. I had intended to put some bills from my surgery on a credit program through the hospital. Now I'm applying for forgiveness and praying that they'll accept special circumstances since I do still have insurance. With this the trick is proving I don't have income. My taxes look like I do. I did work more than half the year. It says bank statements are an option; mine show the short term disability I've been living on which expired and loan money from my mom.
I try to only do 1-2 of these daily because they are hard. I am learning that there are things that are easier to swallow than others. I am ok with food stamps and when I can get it SSI. I paid into those programs and happily will use them. What is dreadfully hard for me is asking for forgiveness of something I normally would pay, like medical bills. I simply can't afford the co-pays that I have left. I also am never going to have the money to pay my student loans again. There are programs for someone who becomes disabled. But asking for forgiveness is so hard; I feel I am cheating the system. I know that's not true and that I did not seek out disability but it is so hard anyway.
This is where I have to spend a lot of time reminding myself that I worked as hard as I could for many years and that I didn't ask for this. I wouldn't judge someone else for doing this; it's just hard to do it yourself. One thing I found out from Dr. Brain yesterday is that the 2 years I need to be disabled to finally get Medicare will start at a day of disability that hopefully will go clear back to August. My back-pay will only go to the last few weeks since I did have income through disability but hopefully I will be able to get Medicare in August of 2013 which would greatly help. (If not it will be February of 2014 which isn't that far off, except that COBRA is ridiculously expensive and leaves these huge co-pays I can't do anything about.)
And I must take meds and try to sleep since I have that SSDI interview in the morning.
It is startling to face life 100% differently than I expected 2 weeks ago. At that point I was ready for an income decline and change to COBRA. But I knew that I could afford to make payments for counseling and paying off medical bills and just keeping things as they were. I never thought much about how much is spent without consideration. I have had a home phone line for years that I didn't need because I thought I had to to have DSL. I was very wrong. I had intended to put some bills from my surgery on a credit program through the hospital. Now I'm applying for forgiveness and praying that they'll accept special circumstances since I do still have insurance. With this the trick is proving I don't have income. My taxes look like I do. I did work more than half the year. It says bank statements are an option; mine show the short term disability I've been living on which expired and loan money from my mom.
I try to only do 1-2 of these daily because they are hard. I am learning that there are things that are easier to swallow than others. I am ok with food stamps and when I can get it SSI. I paid into those programs and happily will use them. What is dreadfully hard for me is asking for forgiveness of something I normally would pay, like medical bills. I simply can't afford the co-pays that I have left. I also am never going to have the money to pay my student loans again. There are programs for someone who becomes disabled. But asking for forgiveness is so hard; I feel I am cheating the system. I know that's not true and that I did not seek out disability but it is so hard anyway.
This is where I have to spend a lot of time reminding myself that I worked as hard as I could for many years and that I didn't ask for this. I wouldn't judge someone else for doing this; it's just hard to do it yourself. One thing I found out from Dr. Brain yesterday is that the 2 years I need to be disabled to finally get Medicare will start at a day of disability that hopefully will go clear back to August. My back-pay will only go to the last few weeks since I did have income through disability but hopefully I will be able to get Medicare in August of 2013 which would greatly help. (If not it will be February of 2014 which isn't that far off, except that COBRA is ridiculously expensive and leaves these huge co-pays I can't do anything about.)
And I must take meds and try to sleep since I have that SSDI interview in the morning.
That makes sense
I just tried to apply for a program that offers assistance with the expensive meds I take. One problem: I can't apply. Why? Because it refuses to believe my income is $0.00. But it is.......
Ugh.
Ugh.
Finally
Without trying the new drug recommendations I finally got a good bit of sleep. I'm still exhausted and hope to sleep as well tonight although I have my SSDI interview in the morning. Fortunately it's a phone thing so I don't even have to get dressed if I don't want to. I don't know why I finally slept. I know there was a lot of relief that I am not being immediately hospitalized. I'm being honest so they are doing this knowing that there have been some scary times lately. Which is good. I was thinking about how much I don't want to be there the other night and realized that instead of coming up with the reasons one typically uses when thinking of a psych stay I have very different reasons, reasons that are because I have spent too much time there. Things like I don't want to go knowing that I will eat about 50% of what is on the menu and otherwise will be a lot of cottage cheese and fruit. I eat a lot of both at home but not as meals. Or not wanting to deal with insomnia and the night nurse with all these specific reasons. Or that I don't overly like any of the snacks and I drink so much water that they rapidly run out of the tiny 8 oz. bottles supplied. Or the social worker disliking me, probably more so after I complained last time (only to my doctor but Dr. Brain is mighty when annoyed). I don't want to have to wait and wait to be able to email. I hate that I am not allowed my nook because if I have the nook I have a chance to adjust what I am reading to what I can follow, whereas books are heavy to lug along and I may or may not be able to follow the plot. On and on, but the reasons merely show that I have spent way too much time there lately. I know I'm walking a thin line with the hospital and that I may well end up there but with some sleep it feels less likely. Somehow it also helps to know that both doctors are willing to give me some leeway on this. They could make me go. If my house weren't already made into a safe haven where I'd have to work to get into danger I'm sure that I'd be there, but everyone seems to currently agree that it's very hard to impossible for me to do anything impulsively and so I have bought some time to recover a bit from the shock.
I'm trying to get taxes done today. I am not going to get done because I'm too tired to be sure I'm including everything. I'm in the medical part which is where most of my deductions come from and where it is important to not miss anything. Hopefully tomorrow they'll get done totally as the sooner I have them the sooner I can get the refund and be closer to the SSI check that I can't get now because of the pending refund, 401k that I can't get into until the company has processed my resignation, and a few savings bonds with not much value. Plus the refund will make a big difference with my credit balance.
I am so, so sleepy again! I am fine with bedtime being 8, but 7 is just too early. We'll see who wins, when I finally sleep after not for months like this it is often very hard to stay awake.
I'm trying to get taxes done today. I am not going to get done because I'm too tired to be sure I'm including everything. I'm in the medical part which is where most of my deductions come from and where it is important to not miss anything. Hopefully tomorrow they'll get done totally as the sooner I have them the sooner I can get the refund and be closer to the SSI check that I can't get now because of the pending refund, 401k that I can't get into until the company has processed my resignation, and a few savings bonds with not much value. Plus the refund will make a big difference with my credit balance.
I am so, so sleepy again! I am fine with bedtime being 8, but 7 is just too early. We'll see who wins, when I finally sleep after not for months like this it is often very hard to stay awake.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Titles don't matter
I went to see Dr. Brain today. Highlights are:
- she gave me a tissue to hold and a box of them because she said it would be hard (and undoubtedly Dr. Mind had warned her of my uncontrollable tears lately) but I didn't cry. I guess there is one benefit to having been through this a lot
- she did not hospitalize me. Basically the same as Dr. Mind: I'm at risk, the things that have happened are concerning but I've done the right thing each time and know that if it worsens I need to get to the hospital.
- She has a list of ideas to help with sleep. All are creative but hopefully something will work and I'll sleep all night which would certainly help the depression. Attempt one starts tonight.
- She thinks my SSDI will be accepted the first time because there is so much documentation and I have tried so hard. She admitted that she has documented more than necessary for years in case this happened. She is very positive usually but I don't think she'd say she thinks it is likely that I'll get through this quickly if she didn't really think it.
- One of the most beneficial things I can think of is that several years ago I was assessed by vocational rehabilitation. At the end the counselor told me his main recommendation was SSDI. I was not happy about this and both people treating me were not happy as they both felt I could and should keep working. Anyway, that documentation will be seen by the reviewer, assuming he wrote it down, but better yet is that we easily were able to find this in Dr. Brain's notes. So I've worked 4 more years than the people who are supposed to do everything to keep you working thought I could.
- She pointed out that it took cancer to make her slow down and that it is hard but it's something I should really have done a while ago.
I'm very tired so that's it for now. I actually left feeling slightly less panicky. I wish that we could mess with all my meds at once to fix everything but after what happened with anesthesia/Mirena/chicken pox shot all at once I am on one change at a time unless I'm inpatient and even then they went slower. But at least we can probably get me sleeping.
More later, as usual
Thursday, February 02, 2012
The end of my career and one long, long day
As you probably know I have known for a while that it will be a very long time before I am able to work again, if that happens. My employers were holding my job for me, which let me have benefits with less cost than COBRA and it kept the clock from starting for COBRA. My leave was up next week and I was hoping they'd just say goodbye then.
But it got messy. While I'm waiting for SSDI (disability) I am eligible for SSI (low income). To qualify for that I have to liquidate my few assets (house and care are not counted). I had a tiny 401k and have a few savings bonds that aren't mature yet. Those both must go. Except the 401k was set up so that it was nearly impossible to get into. The only emergency way that I, someone with no income and medical bills everywhere, could get out was to have unpaid medical bills of the amount needed or higher depending on what you read. I certainly have that but not that in the format they want. And going around trying to deal with proving that when I know that I can't work anyway and feeling like that is a huge secret I'm carrying around (yet my bosses surely knew) was getting harder. So after talking to Dr. Mind for a bit I decided to use the resignation letter I wrote this morning when I first really knew it was time. My hesitation was because technically they can come after me for the cost of benefits, but first I don't have it and second they've been really nice about things to now and I don't think that my quitting after 6 months of trying to get well really will make much splash in the huge company.
I had a long, intense time with Dr. Mind. There were 2 times this week that I had to purposefully back away from something dangerous because it's very hard to want to live while you systematically tear your life apart. The first time was at home and involved meds and I was able to talk myself out of it, lock them up and close the door rapidly. The 2nd was more disturbing; at my mom's I found a utility knife and really struggled not to pocket it. A lot of the feelings from a month ago are back as I keep facing more new and painful changes in my life: feelings that this is hopeless and I'm tired of fighting and I want access to ways out. The end result was that I am very close to the hospital again (and after 45 minutes of this talking I realized this is true and agreed that I am very close and that I will discuss it further with Dr. Brain this weekend). I asked where the line was between having bad feelings and being sent to the hospital. And in the midst of crying I have no idea what the answer is aside from I am close to it. The word despair was mentioned repeatedly by Dr. Mind. He also talked to me about the severity of my depression and asked if this is the worst it has ever been. It's not yet but it is close. It's so weird to be so depressed and not have cycling, but pretty much I am just so low that it's hard to remember I even have highs.
We talked a great deal more about how much it hurts to have so much change and so much painful stuff and that my sleep is not just out of whack because of anxiety but because of depression as well. So I agreed to go finish off my crying on this walking trail thing and I did that.
Praying was so hard because I could hear how much he is hurting for me. One thing that can be really hard for me is that numerous people invested a lot to help me be the person who succeeded. I don't think I was the only one who thought we'd won. Dr. Mind does say that he has been aware for several months that the change that has made this so hard and has caused the end of my career was big and that he has been concerned about my ability to work for some months. But so many times I made it back to ok when it wasn't clear that I could. It is hard for everyone that this has happened. When Dr. Mind's voice broke a few times I knew that he's hurting for me. I honestly can't imagine his job right now; I know that I am so fragile and hurting so much and walking such a dangerous line that I would imagine it's pretty hard to have seen the joy and success of the good period turn into this. He cares and I can't imagine that it's easy to see someone you care about hurting as much as I have been, especially with today's decisions followed by the matter of fact announcement that my desire to hurt myself is gaining strength.
And after all that I think hospitalization is so near that I'll be packed when I see Dr.Brain. I stopped for a couple tylenol before my class and had a really hard time wanting to gather collections of meds to bring home. Having gotten my home into a pretty safe place that wouldn't be wise and I did again leave with nothing I shouldn't have, but if I'm going to fight a serious thought every day or two that's not good at all. Dr. Brain is typically slower to think supervision is needed than Dr. Mind, but after last time she was pretty serious about preventing repeats. And (I did honestly tell Dr. Mind this too when asked) I am not sure I don't belong in the hospital. I think if things don't change I'm within days of needing it. I just don't want to go back there AGAIN. I used to know how Dr. Brain would react but that was before the great lying about how I feel being dangerous thing, and even though I am telling on myself there's a lot of hurting in there.
For now I have cried (including in my class) myself into a pounding headache, haven't really eaten supper and am kind of tired. Maybe I cried enough to sleep. We'll see.
But it got messy. While I'm waiting for SSDI (disability) I am eligible for SSI (low income). To qualify for that I have to liquidate my few assets (house and care are not counted). I had a tiny 401k and have a few savings bonds that aren't mature yet. Those both must go. Except the 401k was set up so that it was nearly impossible to get into. The only emergency way that I, someone with no income and medical bills everywhere, could get out was to have unpaid medical bills of the amount needed or higher depending on what you read. I certainly have that but not that in the format they want. And going around trying to deal with proving that when I know that I can't work anyway and feeling like that is a huge secret I'm carrying around (yet my bosses surely knew) was getting harder. So after talking to Dr. Mind for a bit I decided to use the resignation letter I wrote this morning when I first really knew it was time. My hesitation was because technically they can come after me for the cost of benefits, but first I don't have it and second they've been really nice about things to now and I don't think that my quitting after 6 months of trying to get well really will make much splash in the huge company.
I had a long, intense time with Dr. Mind. There were 2 times this week that I had to purposefully back away from something dangerous because it's very hard to want to live while you systematically tear your life apart. The first time was at home and involved meds and I was able to talk myself out of it, lock them up and close the door rapidly. The 2nd was more disturbing; at my mom's I found a utility knife and really struggled not to pocket it. A lot of the feelings from a month ago are back as I keep facing more new and painful changes in my life: feelings that this is hopeless and I'm tired of fighting and I want access to ways out. The end result was that I am very close to the hospital again (and after 45 minutes of this talking I realized this is true and agreed that I am very close and that I will discuss it further with Dr. Brain this weekend). I asked where the line was between having bad feelings and being sent to the hospital. And in the midst of crying I have no idea what the answer is aside from I am close to it. The word despair was mentioned repeatedly by Dr. Mind. He also talked to me about the severity of my depression and asked if this is the worst it has ever been. It's not yet but it is close. It's so weird to be so depressed and not have cycling, but pretty much I am just so low that it's hard to remember I even have highs.
We talked a great deal more about how much it hurts to have so much change and so much painful stuff and that my sleep is not just out of whack because of anxiety but because of depression as well. So I agreed to go finish off my crying on this walking trail thing and I did that.
Praying was so hard because I could hear how much he is hurting for me. One thing that can be really hard for me is that numerous people invested a lot to help me be the person who succeeded. I don't think I was the only one who thought we'd won. Dr. Mind does say that he has been aware for several months that the change that has made this so hard and has caused the end of my career was big and that he has been concerned about my ability to work for some months. But so many times I made it back to ok when it wasn't clear that I could. It is hard for everyone that this has happened. When Dr. Mind's voice broke a few times I knew that he's hurting for me. I honestly can't imagine his job right now; I know that I am so fragile and hurting so much and walking such a dangerous line that I would imagine it's pretty hard to have seen the joy and success of the good period turn into this. He cares and I can't imagine that it's easy to see someone you care about hurting as much as I have been, especially with today's decisions followed by the matter of fact announcement that my desire to hurt myself is gaining strength.
And after all that I think hospitalization is so near that I'll be packed when I see Dr.Brain. I stopped for a couple tylenol before my class and had a really hard time wanting to gather collections of meds to bring home. Having gotten my home into a pretty safe place that wouldn't be wise and I did again leave with nothing I shouldn't have, but if I'm going to fight a serious thought every day or two that's not good at all. Dr. Brain is typically slower to think supervision is needed than Dr. Mind, but after last time she was pretty serious about preventing repeats. And (I did honestly tell Dr. Mind this too when asked) I am not sure I don't belong in the hospital. I think if things don't change I'm within days of needing it. I just don't want to go back there AGAIN. I used to know how Dr. Brain would react but that was before the great lying about how I feel being dangerous thing, and even though I am telling on myself there's a lot of hurting in there.
For now I have cried (including in my class) myself into a pounding headache, haven't really eaten supper and am kind of tired. Maybe I cried enough to sleep. We'll see.
prayers appreciated
I am at the library and will write more when I get home but I have class tonight and so I am facing several hours of not knowing what is happening. I quit my job today. I am struggling and afraid (because I am hoping they don't go after benefits reimbursement which they can technically do but I HAD to be not working for them (explain later). Class is going to be tough beause my Dr. Mind appointment left plenty to think about beyond this. And I am really tired. I was with Dr. Mind just under 90 minutes and cried through almost all of that, and then I cried more when we were done.
I have to go so I can buy one of those little packets of tylenol since I can't have bottles of it and my head is hurting. Surprise there.:)
I wish this did not have to be so hard.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Out of my hands
My entire application for SSDI has been submitted. I have an interview over the phone Monday to be sure all information is complete. I may be contacted for further information or to see their doctor, but pretty much now I wait about 4 months.
It's all in God's hands now. I've provided every drop of information I can think of. I hope it was enough.
It's all in God's hands now. I've provided every drop of information I can think of. I hope it was enough.
Bad night whiny day
Last night I slept about 30 minutes and then was up until 4:30. Yesterday some of the harder stuff in all I'm trying to do hit a little harder and so the emotional response was enough to cause a rough night. I did find some missing papers, so I guess it wasn't totally a lost cause, but I am so tired. I actually skipped going to see my niece so that I could rest. I almost never do that.
I hate it when I am too tired to make progress. Today's grand total of activity was to make one phone call. Hopefully I can work a little more on my nearing completion form for SSDI but I am just tired and sad today. My brain decided I needed a swift reminder of how hard this is just when I thought I was getting good at making this less raw. Turns out not so much. Dr. Mind told me this would happen. It's just hard. Whenever really negative thoughts come I start worrying that I'll be sent back to the hospital. And while the hospital does good things in general there are some really hard parts and I have spent too much time there lately anyway. I know my situation is different and that needing to be there again is not beyond the realm of possibility but I keep remembering this man who was there with me in the fall. They were working very hard with him on finding out what made him prefer to be in the hospital because he kept coming back. This last time was weird enough as I knew where everything was and how everything works as well as anyone could because I've spent so much time there now. I don't want to be the one they are asking why I am so comfortable there and what I'm trying to avoid by being there. I realize that what I am going through buys me some time to feel horrible, but it's hard that I know I can't hide anything from the doctors right now and that if someone says hospital I will be going and will not have room to argue. I am diligently telling the truth when asked, and Dr. Mind promised that I have answer only yes/no unless more is needed, but I need to find out what is acceptable versus what is a signal that I am in trouble. I know he won't be specific but I think it's a lot easier to tell the whole truth when I know that the whole thing is telling, not "I'm telling and then what" as it feels now. I had a few scary moments the last few days when I wanted to make dangerous choices. I didn't and even though I know this is pretty well expected at this point it is still really hard to know how to process it. Especially because I can't get past the fear that someone will get angry with me. Even if both times I have to tell about I did the right thing it just feels like someone should be upset. Dr. Mind and I had talked about this some just before my life blew up and we need to go back.
First though I need sleep. It's killing me that it is only 6:00. I'd love to get to bed by 10, but that is such a dream right now. I am so, so tired of getting to sleep at 3 or 4 AM. It's good that I can sleep after that but not so good that it's become every night. I am hoping Dr. Brain does not tell me I need to use the sleeping pills. I hate how they make me feel and my history is that they only work for short periods. I'm hoping for more seroquel but may still be in the danger zone for too much antipsychotic and a repeat of akasthesia. I believe that I have passed that point but really I know little.
I hope Dr. Brain has gotten in touch with Dr. Mind. That's become an issue in that he's tried and tried to get in contact with her and she's not answered. Which is bad on a lot of levels, including that part of my safety system means that he needs to be able to reach her quickly. This is between them, but it still is annoying.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. I'm just not having a very good day today. It's hard when someone happens and I have to wait 2 days or so to talk to Dr. Mind about it.
I hate it when I am too tired to make progress. Today's grand total of activity was to make one phone call. Hopefully I can work a little more on my nearing completion form for SSDI but I am just tired and sad today. My brain decided I needed a swift reminder of how hard this is just when I thought I was getting good at making this less raw. Turns out not so much. Dr. Mind told me this would happen. It's just hard. Whenever really negative thoughts come I start worrying that I'll be sent back to the hospital. And while the hospital does good things in general there are some really hard parts and I have spent too much time there lately anyway. I know my situation is different and that needing to be there again is not beyond the realm of possibility but I keep remembering this man who was there with me in the fall. They were working very hard with him on finding out what made him prefer to be in the hospital because he kept coming back. This last time was weird enough as I knew where everything was and how everything works as well as anyone could because I've spent so much time there now. I don't want to be the one they are asking why I am so comfortable there and what I'm trying to avoid by being there. I realize that what I am going through buys me some time to feel horrible, but it's hard that I know I can't hide anything from the doctors right now and that if someone says hospital I will be going and will not have room to argue. I am diligently telling the truth when asked, and Dr. Mind promised that I have answer only yes/no unless more is needed, but I need to find out what is acceptable versus what is a signal that I am in trouble. I know he won't be specific but I think it's a lot easier to tell the whole truth when I know that the whole thing is telling, not "I'm telling and then what" as it feels now. I had a few scary moments the last few days when I wanted to make dangerous choices. I didn't and even though I know this is pretty well expected at this point it is still really hard to know how to process it. Especially because I can't get past the fear that someone will get angry with me. Even if both times I have to tell about I did the right thing it just feels like someone should be upset. Dr. Mind and I had talked about this some just before my life blew up and we need to go back.
First though I need sleep. It's killing me that it is only 6:00. I'd love to get to bed by 10, but that is such a dream right now. I am so, so tired of getting to sleep at 3 or 4 AM. It's good that I can sleep after that but not so good that it's become every night. I am hoping Dr. Brain does not tell me I need to use the sleeping pills. I hate how they make me feel and my history is that they only work for short periods. I'm hoping for more seroquel but may still be in the danger zone for too much antipsychotic and a repeat of akasthesia. I believe that I have passed that point but really I know little.
I hope Dr. Brain has gotten in touch with Dr. Mind. That's become an issue in that he's tried and tried to get in contact with her and she's not answered. Which is bad on a lot of levels, including that part of my safety system means that he needs to be able to reach her quickly. This is between them, but it still is annoying.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. I'm just not having a very good day today. It's hard when someone happens and I have to wait 2 days or so to talk to Dr. Mind about it.
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