That was different

This week just was different. I guess I was hypomanic the week before because I had less energy. I am still sleeping very well with this cutting 1 depakote ER in half to make it immediate release thing. However I'm back to needing many hours of sleep, so something still may need adjusted a little. I don't really care; it was great to have a week of being awake but I still feel good and that's the really important thing. I've made it through my therapist's vacation and truthfully barely noticed. Maybe I will start thinking more about less appointments. (Don't tell him though!)

I am getting more frustrated with the nursing home where I work by the day. It's got nothing to do with therapy, except that the care there stinks and in ways it's hard to ignore. I learned long ago and the hard way that I can't worry about many of the things that happen, even when I know they aren't right. This is becoming a situation where I'm wondering if a good therapist would stay, period. I kept thinking things were just having a downshift; now I'm thinking the reverse. I think that's part of why I've been quiet; I've been thinking about this a lot.

I had a long meeting with vocational rehab yesterday. It was the first time someone has told me that I may want to consider SSDI. I am so not ready to do that yet, or to hear that. I need to try a few more avenues before I close doors. It kind of scares me to hear this from voc. rehab. He's not saying it based on my OT eval, which isn't finished, but on his interpretation of what I'm saying, which I'm not sure he is hearing correctly.

There's nothing wrong with the SSDI route, and I know I'll probably end up there. However, it's not right for me at this point. I need work. I need the forced time outside of my cocoon. I need the sense that something still is somewhat normal. I need things that come with working, like insurance that allows me to see my really good doctor. I need the money to pay out of pocket for my therapist, a person who meets my specifications. I need the independence I have now. Not working would mean losing all of that. My doctor fully supports this and wants me to work until I can't.

I do need some changes. I probably need to just find a way to exist on a 32 hour full-time job. I'd do that right now if I could be certain I'd get 32 hours, but I couldn't. Plus the longer I work the more debt is paid off. I never would have gone to grad school if I'd known this illness was coming....

I say all this calmly, yet part of my brain wants to scream "I'm not that sick! No, no, no!"