Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Not gone yet

I'm not gone yet. I'm just unable to write at the moment.  I can but it takes forever and I make a lot of mistakes trying to make sense.  So I'm not doing it much.

I'm not well enough to do anything with the blog just yet.  Right now it is a fight to stay out of the hospital.  I've had so many times I've had to fight symptoms and do things but it turns out you can't control psychosis.  And I have psychosis.  Dr. Mind is pretty concerned.

I'll be back at least once more.  Who knows maybe I'll stay.  I doubt it but I have had so much horribleness going on that I can't make decisions.

Thank you again for the kind comments and understanding.

Friday, May 15, 2015


I have had a lot of time to think lately.  I'm still not sleeping very well although I am responding to my meds and doing better slowly.  Right now the big issues are that I always get manic in June so I need to get stable and hopefully avoid that and I'm still not tolerating my antidepressant except at a very low dose so I am at risk of crashing hard although everyone is watching to hopefully catch that if it starts.  I hate the side effects of the very high dose Seroquel (it makes it so that I have a great deal of difficult urinating and that is quite painful unless I wait until my bladder is so full there is no choice which is also not comfortable, plus I just don't feel good on it.)  But it is helping and my mind is slowing down enough to think.  I'll catch up on emails soon, I promise.  I saw Dr. Brain and once samples have been obtained (it's a process due to Cleveland Clinic policies) I'll be trying Latuda again.  I am hoping that it can take some of the need for Seroquel away and that I might get down to a dose that gives us options if I get sick:  raise Latuda or raise Seroquel.  Raising Seroquel is simply not an option I can tolerate any more of.  So hopefully adding a little more medication will help me function better without a lot of bad side effects.  I tried it once before without side effects but I was such a mess at that time I didn't give it a fair trial. 

I've also made a decision.  I have been blogging for 9 years and 5 months exactly as of today.  I think at this time I have said everything that I am going to have to say that is new and different.  I've loved blogging, it is great to share a story and press a button and know that people everywhere might be reading it and that maybe I've helped someone.  But that's 25% of my life.  There will always be ups and downs and episodes but they aren't going to change much.  Therefore if this blog isn't boring already and I think it is, it is certain to become so.  There will be family issues but honestly I'm not comfortable posting them online, especially with the nature of what is coming up in my life.  And so I am going to end this blog.  It will be sometime within the next 2-4 weeks and my plan is to take down all but a few posts.  Those will be left for anyone who stumbles into it to see and I will keep writing but not actually posting anything new.

I've appreciated all the support I've gotten over the years and it has meant so much that you have come and shared my mixed up, difficult stories, whether for a month or for years.  I hope that you will consider emailing me from time to time.  I don't check that email account all the time but would love to see more than junk mail when I do.  I haven't gotten to know many of you over the years and would feel privileged to have that chance.  At the same time I totally respect your privacy as I hope I always have.

I will miss this.  But it's just time to move on.  I've posted less and less in the last year with the only change being when I have felt bad and that's no fun to read.    I suppose there is always a chance I'll come back.  But I think my time is about up here.

More information to come as I figure out exactly what I'm doing, what I'm leaving up and how obnoxious it will be to get to the point that I am down to only those posts.

Sunday, May 03, 2015

Still here

This blog will be going private at an updated date of June 1, 2015 depending on my mental health stability at that time.  Please watch here for details.

I am still here.  Still struggling.  Mostly it isn't quite as bad.  Sunday night I got 75 minutes of sleep so my mom took me to see Dr. Mind.  Since then I've been getting enough hours of sleep although sometimes a little broken up.  One day I thought I was starting to get depressed, which will happen eventually because I'm on so little antidepressant but by that night I was manic again.  It's frustrating.  But it is not as severe as it was and the psychosis is gone which is really good.  I did increase my Emsam last night so I'm not sure how tonight is going to go.  So far not looking great but I had a migraine today and slept a lot so that may be the cause as well.  I do seem to be almost at the point for my 2nd dose of valium. 

Not a lot going on.   I sprained my $50,000 ankle Friday which was scary.  It seems to be ok but is still a bit sore.  I may wind up going to see the surgeon just to be sure I didn't injure anything.  I didn't do anything except take a step backwards on even pavement so what happened is a bit of a mystery but it turned under just like it used to which was bad.

I've been through a lot of stress with my Anna cat.  She had UTI symptoms and had pulled out all the hair on her belly to the point of having skin damage.  So she went to the vet Monday and despite my better judgment I let them do a bladder tap.  Something in that process hurt her arthritis and she screamed and screamed.  I wasn't in the room but it was awful.  After that she just shoved her head in my armpit and wanted me to hold her that way.  My back is still sore.  So she got antibiotics shot for both the skin and urinary infections and I was told that usually she'd get a steroid shot but her kidneys really couldn't handle it and if we have to do that I'd have to accept it was quality of life over quantity and keeping her last months comfortable.  This became completely ironic since I got her home and the first night she let me hold her and calm her.  After that for days she cried if I picked her up.  And being held hurt her a lot.  So I called and asked for pain medicine yesterday.  Her vet (who I'm not so sure about anymore after the horrible bladder tap; I think she is very young and it is hard to accept that I'm letting death occur naturally without a lot of intervention when intervention is available but not right for my cat) had given me this glucosamine stuff to sprinkle on her food but she avoids that food.  The other vet looked at her chart and said she'd have to have labs before she could have that medicine.  Before I realized that the medication in question was glucosamine I had done a search and found grain free glucosamine treats for her.   And I did a ton of reading and don't know why the other vet was worried about her kidneys as there is little evidence of a problem if any really.  Plus she is not going to hurt.  So the treats will be given without guilt.  She's really much better today and yesterday.  The wound is healing, she has climbed on my bed to wake me to feed her, I can pick her up and she purrs.  I am so relieved; I was afraid this was the end.  But Anna isn't going to give clues.  We've been down the "almost time" road before.

The other thing the vet wanted me to do was give her Advantage.  The other cat is very allergic to fleas and is on it.  If there were a single flea in this house I'd know from him.  Plus Advantage says to not give to sick cats or cats who have had seizures, both of which are Anna.  The vet probably doesn't know about the seizure as it was many years ago and she felt it was safe but I decided not to do that unless I find a flea or evidence of one. 

And that's been my week.  Cycling, mania, exhaustion, and anxiety over the cat.  Also Medicaid but I'll spare you that story aside from it would be SO NICE if  calls were returned. Granted they finally did try after my 3rd message in a month but I missed it and they didn't leave a message with the answers.  And then they didn't answer when I called back and didn't return my call.  So I have no idea if I have Medicaid or not right now.  Lovely.

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