My confrontation with my mother made me cry. I don't even know why. I feel like she doesn't listen. I told her at least twice that I was going to see Dr. Mind and then get an H1N1 shot (which I didn't get) today and I wouldn't be home most of the day. Then that turns into "I don't know where you are and I'm worried". And since she called twice in a short time I got worried and kept calling her, only to get no answer. Why? Because she was ignoring the beeps. I'm not allowed to ignore calls when I'm SLEEPING, but she can ignore the beeps she causes by pestering me. And her solution: I should call and let her know I'm going to be sleeping. I did that last night because I went to bed pretty early and didn't want wakened. But during the day I should be allowed to do whatever I want. I'm no longer voluntarily committed........
And then her solution? After waking me up angry and crying and then ignoring my trying to get in touch for a lot time, "well, just go back to sleep". Um, kind of hard to do that when I'm this upset.........
And then she wants to know if I'm sleeping so much because of meds or because I'm not sleeping at night. I tried to point out that if I'd had H1N1 she wouldn't worry about my resting and I've been at least that sick, but she will never get it. It's not like I'm going to tell her how suicidal I was last week or what last week felt like, and even if I did she wouldn't get it.
But my anxiety levels actually dip below the worst they could be on those stupid # scales, then I talk to her or something like this happens and I'm back to 580/10. And the supplemental anxiety med does NOTHING when i'm this upset.
Next week is going to make me totally crazy. Dr. Mind is leaving town for a few days, so I have appointments with him Monday and Tuesday then am left to my own devices the rest of the week. Which gives her lots of time to pester me. I actually wish I'd made my appt with Dr. Body a separate day just for another reason to be away. Because she is going to do everything in her power to keep me from resting like I need to because sleeping too much is "bad for me". And nothing will convince her otherwise. Not even "You know what Dr. Mind says I need the most? SLEEP".
I've had it. I'm giving the last anxiety pill a little longer to work then moving on to my last option until my bedtime meds, which I suspect will be early tonight.
This feels like it is never, ever, going to end.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Sanctioned Sleep
I saw Dr. Mind again today. He usually doesn't want me to sleep a lot, but he told me right now that as long as I am not mixing up my days and nights I should sleep. So I've been trying, except my mother keeps calling because she's worried about me. I hate when she forgets what I tell her I'm doing. When I gave in and answered she thought I'd been asleep all day. All she had to do was check her caller ID, I've called a bunch of times.
Oh well. My sister suggested planting some bulbs and I think I'll at least go buy some and maybe plant tomorrow. If I feel like it. If nothing else I'll call my mother and get her to leave me alone. I don't mean to be angry/impatient, but this is the kind of thing that really irritates me. I tell her I'm doing something, she forgets, then she gets all upset. And for that matter if I wanted to sleep all day and do nothing right now, well I have been very sick and that's part of the healing process. How much I sleep is none of her business.
Oh well. My sister suggested planting some bulbs and I think I'll at least go buy some and maybe plant tomorrow. If I feel like it. If nothing else I'll call my mother and get her to leave me alone. I don't mean to be angry/impatient, but this is the kind of thing that really irritates me. I tell her I'm doing something, she forgets, then she gets all upset. And for that matter if I wanted to sleep all day and do nothing right now, well I have been very sick and that's part of the healing process. How much I sleep is none of her business.
Patch Success Again!I
I was a little braver this morning and put my patch in the area I'll probably wear it the most, on my upper chest. The day I messed up I tried the same thing. Since the only way to see is to use a mirror it is tricky. But today I got it on easily without stress or frustration. We'll see how long it takes me to use a spot I can't see well at all.
I also have ordered new medic alerts. I used to wear one all the time, a USB device that you enter things into a template and therefore have specific info. I gave it up after it kept setting the alarm off that was supposed to keep patients off the elevator at work. It also came with some slight defect that cause the cap to fall off into my bra from time to time until I taped it down. Which made it less comfortable. However, I now need an emergency responder to know before they do anything that I'm on an MAOI, but I still need emergency people to be able to see the series of issues I have. So I got 2 that I'll link together on one chain. One is a new USB and the other is a very simple, cheap tag that lists MAOI, multiple med allergies, tetanus allergy and please see USB alert. The USB thing seems to be waterproof, so I'm hoping that the tags just stay on 24/7.
I figured out some of what has been making me feel good/bad/good/bad. Obviously bipolar, but it's also something we did in the hospital. The Provigil/Nuvigil (new version i was on but hospital didn't have so I'm back to the old one), helps me wake up, but also boosts the antidepressant. It also requires prior auth., which my dr. didn't get done before she got sick. So, that means that I had to pay, and that stuff is ridiculously expensive. To save $ I've been hoarding them. This also seemed to make sense while I was trying to be less agitated. But it is obvious I need to take them daily. So, I'll have to figure that out somehow.
Gotta go see Dr. Mind, and then wait in line for an H1N1 shot. Please let the line be short enough I can handle it.........
I also have ordered new medic alerts. I used to wear one all the time, a USB device that you enter things into a template and therefore have specific info. I gave it up after it kept setting the alarm off that was supposed to keep patients off the elevator at work. It also came with some slight defect that cause the cap to fall off into my bra from time to time until I taped it down. Which made it less comfortable. However, I now need an emergency responder to know before they do anything that I'm on an MAOI, but I still need emergency people to be able to see the series of issues I have. So I got 2 that I'll link together on one chain. One is a new USB and the other is a very simple, cheap tag that lists MAOI, multiple med allergies, tetanus allergy and please see USB alert. The USB thing seems to be waterproof, so I'm hoping that the tags just stay on 24/7.
I figured out some of what has been making me feel good/bad/good/bad. Obviously bipolar, but it's also something we did in the hospital. The Provigil/Nuvigil (new version i was on but hospital didn't have so I'm back to the old one), helps me wake up, but also boosts the antidepressant. It also requires prior auth., which my dr. didn't get done before she got sick. So, that means that I had to pay, and that stuff is ridiculously expensive. To save $ I've been hoarding them. This also seemed to make sense while I was trying to be less agitated. But it is obvious I need to take them daily. So, I'll have to figure that out somehow.
Gotta go see Dr. Mind, and then wait in line for an H1N1 shot. Please let the line be short enough I can handle it.........
Friday, November 06, 2009
Wow
And if there is any question when I'm complaining of fatigue, it is 7:15 and I'm going to get ready for bed. And I just woke up from a nap at 5:30, and I took another nap a few hours before that.
The biggest thank you
I cannot explain how grateful I am to Julia for helping me with this blog while I was in the hospital. The days that I was most sick it helped so much to email her whatever had been happening and let her sort it out into English. I had a hard time making much sense through some of that, and it is very helpful that she kept things written, plus I can look back at what I wrote to her and know more about what happened. I couldn't write well enough to keep track of it until about Friday, so until that time my journal is a combination of one huge list of things I wanted to remember and then when I could write more the bits I remembered of the earlier days.
She also took on the task of getting my email to me while making sure I didn't get any mean emails. I was far too sensitive through most of that to have handled a mean comment, and I really needed the comments I did get. I can't begin to explain the help I got from that.
One of the worst parts of the hospital, at least this time and at least for me, was that there was very little 1:1 support. I'm used to having tons of support between Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind, and that whole week I had none of that. I had groups where very little was addressed towards my situation. I had people to talk to, but all of them were people with major depression who were having trouble with meds not working or not doing things they needed to do to keep up with feeling ok. In contrast, I was bipolar, I was there for a scheduled admission to change a med, and I wasn't just having an episode. So many of the things I deal with were at least somewhat different; and to top it all off because I was depressed nobody bothered much to talk about bipolar and there is a difference. It wasn't until I started repeating "I'm hypomanic, I'm hypomanic" the last day and a half that I had anyone recognize the difference.
So the support from people reading this blog was precisely what I needed, because you all treated me as who I am. And if it hadn't been for Julia I would have missed out on something I needed so desperately.
So, thank you a thousand times.
She also took on the task of getting my email to me while making sure I didn't get any mean emails. I was far too sensitive through most of that to have handled a mean comment, and I really needed the comments I did get. I can't begin to explain the help I got from that.
One of the worst parts of the hospital, at least this time and at least for me, was that there was very little 1:1 support. I'm used to having tons of support between Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind, and that whole week I had none of that. I had groups where very little was addressed towards my situation. I had people to talk to, but all of them were people with major depression who were having trouble with meds not working or not doing things they needed to do to keep up with feeling ok. In contrast, I was bipolar, I was there for a scheduled admission to change a med, and I wasn't just having an episode. So many of the things I deal with were at least somewhat different; and to top it all off because I was depressed nobody bothered much to talk about bipolar and there is a difference. It wasn't until I started repeating "I'm hypomanic, I'm hypomanic" the last day and a half that I had anyone recognize the difference.
So the support from people reading this blog was precisely what I needed, because you all treated me as who I am. And if it hadn't been for Julia I would have missed out on something I needed so desperately.
So, thank you a thousand times.
Hit hard
I don't know if it is meds, if it is catching up on rest after disturbed hospital sleep, if it is just the remaining depression, if my body has crashed from too my anxiety/agitation/depression over the last few weeks but all I can do is sleep. Today i've slept, made myself eat, spent a small amount of time online, and showered. And I could go to bed for the night right now.
I can't describe how sleepy I am today.
I can't describe how sleepy I am today.
Locked up, Day Two
The day started with a blood draw. I had a hard time with labs and tests because nobody told me why for any of them, and I'm used to that. I'm also used to being told the rests.
After breakfast the research assistant came in and did a bunch of assessments with me. She also left a pile of them for me to work on. A while later I finally saw a doctor (for ease he's Dr.Hospital One). The only I was supposed to have was out with flu so this one hadn't really seen my chart. He frightened me by suggesting a trial of Lamictal again at some point. Since I've had two bad reactions to Lamictal I expressed strong oposition; he wasn't convinced. At that point he also had me stop imipramine totally and worked on digging out samples enough to cover me until the pharmacy had some in. The hospital is the psych center for an entire huge hospital and they didn't stalk Emsam, which I guess shows how rarely it's used. I was later told maybe 10 times per year.
That was the day anxiety started to become unbearable. I was asking for ativan as often as I would, and it wasn't doing much of anything. Dr. Hospital One suggested I increase my seroquel, but I was afraid to.
At some point during that day I met with the social worker. She said that I had a good support system arranged and that I was right that I could home into the same situation and be ok.
We had a psychotherapy group with the social worker that afternoon about how to improve things at home so we'd do better. I told them I felt my situation was different, that what I was doing worked great for me and when my meds were ok I'd be fine again.
I have always been prescribed ativan on a "you can take this much, start at the lowest dose and take more if you don't calm down, up to a maximum of whatever". I though this was going to be the same. Until I asked for an ativan that night and was told it wasn't time and I was given Seroquel instead. I said that it would make me sleepy, and the nurse just grunted. (This begins the story of the nurse I really, really did not like). So I took it and did what I'm supposed to do after taking it: I got ready for bed and when I fell asleep I let myself. That's what years of Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain drilling things into your head will do for you: I'm thoroughly trained to go to bed in the small window of opportunity that I have. I must have been pretty soundly asleep because I didn't hear them announce group. But then the meanest nurse ever charged into my room, turned on the light and told me I had to get to group. I was so out of of it I couldn't get my slippers on the right feet. Then she wanted me to talk about how my day was. I told her I was too groggy to talk. She got more angry. I started to cry because I felt so ashamed and that I'd done something very wrong without knowing. I then cried for a few hours. She came to talk to me but succeeded only in making it worse.
I cried until 11:30 or so and then slept terribly. I had one nightmare that is still disturbing me 10 days later and which I think involved some screaming, and another that I don't remember but which I woke up from covered in sweat and trying to throw my tangled covers off.
After breakfast the research assistant came in and did a bunch of assessments with me. She also left a pile of them for me to work on. A while later I finally saw a doctor (for ease he's Dr.Hospital One). The only I was supposed to have was out with flu so this one hadn't really seen my chart. He frightened me by suggesting a trial of Lamictal again at some point. Since I've had two bad reactions to Lamictal I expressed strong oposition; he wasn't convinced. At that point he also had me stop imipramine totally and worked on digging out samples enough to cover me until the pharmacy had some in. The hospital is the psych center for an entire huge hospital and they didn't stalk Emsam, which I guess shows how rarely it's used. I was later told maybe 10 times per year.
That was the day anxiety started to become unbearable. I was asking for ativan as often as I would, and it wasn't doing much of anything. Dr. Hospital One suggested I increase my seroquel, but I was afraid to.
At some point during that day I met with the social worker. She said that I had a good support system arranged and that I was right that I could home into the same situation and be ok.
We had a psychotherapy group with the social worker that afternoon about how to improve things at home so we'd do better. I told them I felt my situation was different, that what I was doing worked great for me and when my meds were ok I'd be fine again.
I have always been prescribed ativan on a "you can take this much, start at the lowest dose and take more if you don't calm down, up to a maximum of whatever". I though this was going to be the same. Until I asked for an ativan that night and was told it wasn't time and I was given Seroquel instead. I said that it would make me sleepy, and the nurse just grunted. (This begins the story of the nurse I really, really did not like). So I took it and did what I'm supposed to do after taking it: I got ready for bed and when I fell asleep I let myself. That's what years of Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain drilling things into your head will do for you: I'm thoroughly trained to go to bed in the small window of opportunity that I have. I must have been pretty soundly asleep because I didn't hear them announce group. But then the meanest nurse ever charged into my room, turned on the light and told me I had to get to group. I was so out of of it I couldn't get my slippers on the right feet. Then she wanted me to talk about how my day was. I told her I was too groggy to talk. She got more angry. I started to cry because I felt so ashamed and that I'd done something very wrong without knowing. I then cried for a few hours. She came to talk to me but succeeded only in making it worse.
I cried until 11:30 or so and then slept terribly. I had one nightmare that is still disturbing me 10 days later and which I think involved some screaming, and another that I don't remember but which I woke up from covered in sweat and trying to throw my tangled covers off.
Emsam WILL go on.
I read the instructions and it appears I'm to try daily patching again. If I'm wrong I'll know soon enough. So I tried a place I could see better, and I succeeded. And I'm writing this here for my own future reference and
The directions say to be the patch at the place the 2 pieces of backing are split, peel one part of the backing off and apply, then peel of the second part and push the whole thing down. This time I did the bending more forcefully. Then I peeled off the small part and got it pretty well stuck, then pulled off the big piece and very carefully got that down evenly. Then I help my hand over it for 10 sec. because I read that helps withe sticking, and the place I used today endures a lot of friction throughout the day.
But it was so very much easier and that makes me so happy.
The directions say to be the patch at the place the 2 pieces of backing are split, peel one part of the backing off and apply, then peel of the second part and push the whole thing down. This time I did the bending more forcefully. Then I peeled off the small part and got it pretty well stuck, then pulled off the big piece and very carefully got that down evenly. Then I help my hand over it for 10 sec. because I read that helps withe sticking, and the place I used today endures a lot of friction throughout the day.
But it was so very much easier and that makes me so happy.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
I know the plans
So I finally tracked down the social worker. Apparently Dr. Brain has decided she'd rather I just wait and see her as soon as she is back, rather than see a substitute once. So Dec. 1 I'm to call to be squeezed in. Apparently the appropriate people know this. I hope it works because the one thing I'm not going to handle well is having to fight to not have to wait 4 months. This will mean that I have to talk Dr. Body out of some hefty scripts next week because I'll run out before I see her otherwise.
I also finally have a box of patches. Walgreens was way wrong; my insurance covers them and they cost $50. Which is fine. I knew they wouldn't be cheap.
I saw the papers they sent Dr. Mind. Either I really didn't communicate well or they really exagerrated some things. And we only saw the papers for the last few days; I can't imagine what they are like on the really bad days. I suspect the overly dramatic notes were written by the nurse I hated. The story behind that comes with day 2, I think. Probably tomorrow.
I also went to Sam's club and bought anything I thought I could eat. After dieting so long that is weird, but I'm working so hard on eating more foods that I figured even if some of it isn't very healthy at least it is variety and the more variety I eat the more I'm assuming I'm progress.
I changed my patch for the first time this morning. I didn't do a very good job. I had to tape it down. The pharmacist gave me some things to cover it if that happens again, and tried to explain. Next time I'm going to try my leg, which is the easiest to see place. Maybe that will help as well. I feel better with it on today. I probably am going to try the day off day on for one more and then see if i can do every day. If I can't then I'm going to try on during the day, off at night, simply because that's a much easier routine. Another place I feel the hospital failed me though was never teaching me about application and never having me do it myself. It's not nearly as easy as you'd think, or at least it wasn't this time.
Anyway, i think it's about time to sleep. If nothing else the seroquel helps me sleep.
I also finally have a box of patches. Walgreens was way wrong; my insurance covers them and they cost $50. Which is fine. I knew they wouldn't be cheap.
I saw the papers they sent Dr. Mind. Either I really didn't communicate well or they really exagerrated some things. And we only saw the papers for the last few days; I can't imagine what they are like on the really bad days. I suspect the overly dramatic notes were written by the nurse I hated. The story behind that comes with day 2, I think. Probably tomorrow.
I also went to Sam's club and bought anything I thought I could eat. After dieting so long that is weird, but I'm working so hard on eating more foods that I figured even if some of it isn't very healthy at least it is variety and the more variety I eat the more I'm assuming I'm progress.
I changed my patch for the first time this morning. I didn't do a very good job. I had to tape it down. The pharmacist gave me some things to cover it if that happens again, and tried to explain. Next time I'm going to try my leg, which is the easiest to see place. Maybe that will help as well. I feel better with it on today. I probably am going to try the day off day on for one more and then see if i can do every day. If I can't then I'm going to try on during the day, off at night, simply because that's a much easier routine. Another place I feel the hospital failed me though was never teaching me about application and never having me do it myself. It's not nearly as easy as you'd think, or at least it wasn't this time.
Anyway, i think it's about time to sleep. If nothing else the seroquel helps me sleep.
I think I forgot the ending
I just looked back at the post about what happened with my meds when I tried to get them on the way home, I realized I left out the conclusion.
Basically after I cried with the pharmacy and hospital, I went home thinking all kinds of awful things, mainly that I was going to be put back into the hospital before we even knew if this would work. I looked up the manufacturer at home and called them. Emsam definitely is still being made. I called Walgreens and explained my extreme unhappiness, and that given I had called ahead, I felt that being greeted with this kind of information upon release from a long psych stay was incredibly unprofessional. As I think about it now I realize it was even worse, because they accepted all my scripts and filled them when they already knew I wasn't going to be getting the big one there. They refused to apologize or accept responsibility, saying that it is their supplier who doesn't carry it (that is not what the said or what I have in writing), that there was no need to call and let me know this, and eventually they gave me the phone number for someone who might have it, but they didn't know why I would want to take a $700 medication anyway. I pointed out that THAT was none of their business. I called the other pharmacy and they did have it, so I'll pick it up tonight before I see Dr. Mind.
So, complaints will be made when I'm feeling ready to do that. But that Walgreens is one I've used a ton over the years and I'm kind of sorry to be moving on. However, I will not accept that kind of treatment......Especially since when they saw me crying and they KNEW that drug was just not carried by their manufacturer they could have explained that they didn't have it but someone else would. They could have called and transferred the script for me. Instead they made a difficult say a billion times worse.
Basically after I cried with the pharmacy and hospital, I went home thinking all kinds of awful things, mainly that I was going to be put back into the hospital before we even knew if this would work. I looked up the manufacturer at home and called them. Emsam definitely is still being made. I called Walgreens and explained my extreme unhappiness, and that given I had called ahead, I felt that being greeted with this kind of information upon release from a long psych stay was incredibly unprofessional. As I think about it now I realize it was even worse, because they accepted all my scripts and filled them when they already knew I wasn't going to be getting the big one there. They refused to apologize or accept responsibility, saying that it is their supplier who doesn't carry it (that is not what the said or what I have in writing), that there was no need to call and let me know this, and eventually they gave me the phone number for someone who might have it, but they didn't know why I would want to take a $700 medication anyway. I pointed out that THAT was none of their business. I called the other pharmacy and they did have it, so I'll pick it up tonight before I see Dr. Mind.
So, complaints will be made when I'm feeling ready to do that. But that Walgreens is one I've used a ton over the years and I'm kind of sorry to be moving on. However, I will not accept that kind of treatment......Especially since when they saw me crying and they KNEW that drug was just not carried by their manufacturer they could have explained that they didn't have it but someone else would. They could have called and transferred the script for me. Instead they made a difficult say a billion times worse.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Locked up: Part One
The amount I can write about the days will increase as I get past the beginning where I was pretty out of it. Monday is easily the shortest entry. Please forgive my typos, I'm having trouble with my hands being a little shaky and I keep hitting keys wrong or not hitting space hard enough. They say this should go away fairly soon.
I woke up early and called the hospital at 8 for confirmation of insurance. The person I needed wasn't there so she called me back about 8:30. I finished feeding my cats, loaded my suitcase into the car, said a very tearful goodbye to the cats and left.
The trip up took a little longer than it should have because first the GPS wasn't very clear on its directions and I got a little lost. Then I kept having to stop to pee. But it was a beautiful day and I was very aware that I needed to enjoy the last time I was likely to see weather that nice this year.
I got to the hospital and found admissions. The admissions man was very rude. He asked for my home address and I gave it. The post office here had a sign up for a long time that the only address that isn't your PO Box address is if you are asked for a STREET address. Otherwise it is the PO Box. He decided to be annoyed by my saying this and asked if I LIVED in a PO Box, very impatiently. I then went into shut-down mode with him because I was so angry. Thankfully I was pre-registered and it didn't take long. The computer system was down so I didn't get a bracelet until later in the day, nor did I see a lot of the papers I would have. I had to sign a voluntary committment paper that said I wouldn't leave against medical advice without a 3 day lag, I'm sure so that they can get a court order if they are really worried about you going.
Eventually someone took me up to the unit. As soon as I walked in both nurses came and started doing what they needed to do: my suitcase was taken, vitals were done, and they showed me my room. My room was pretty nice for what it was. It was private, quite large, and had a dresser, 2 wardrobes that had only shelves (no hangers allowed), a little table, a bed, a nightstand, and 3 chairs. The bed was a hospital bed, but had a pretty comfortable mattress. I was very, very glad I brought my own pillow. The window would have had a beautiful view of one of the Great Lakes, but the windows have a very heavy mesh, then inside that are blinds you can't adjust, so it was hard to see a whole lot.
One nurse asked me questions for a very long time while the other unpacked my suitcase and brought in what she thought I could have. It was frustrating trying to explain some of them meds to her; she wanted them spelled and I was too sick to be able to do that. She also was the first of many, many people that I had to try to explain I had not stopped taking my antidepressant, I was being tapered off by my psychiatrist. They was a little frustrated that I brought so much clothing, but nobody told me there was a washer/dryer available. Random things weren't brought in and I found that weird. I didn't get the courage to ask until I realized that they kept my pajama pants, but not my pajama shirt. I was surprised to be allowed to have my sneakers as long as I turned them in at night. I did not ever actually opt to wear them; I don't wear shoes at home so that would be odd for me. Plus I was in and out of bed a lot and the shoes would have been harder than the slippers I wore.
At some point they brought me a lunch tray to pick at. Eventually I was given a tour of the unit and then left alone in my room. Where I cried. After a while I needed water so I went to the dining room/everything happens there room and kept crying. The nurse talked to me for a bit then art therapy started. Art therapy proved to be the most helpful part of the whole week, aside from meds of course. My project made everyone talk about how I seemed to be looking for control, and that was about right.
After art therapy was "free time". I looked at a book and cried. Ialso started working on logic puzzles and crosswords. I really am not a puzzle person, but this was something that helped me focus on something besides thinking, which I needed. Eventually we had supper and then I asked the nurse about things like my pajamas and weighted blanket that had been kept. She let me have those and several other things they'd taken from me. As the evening progressed there were 3 more new people, bringing the total to 8, the most that it would be the whole week. Mostly there were 6 of us.
We had this final grop at the end of the day that we were supposed to talk about how our days went. When it was done this way I liked this group, but unfortunately that wasn't going to be the case most days.
After supper I was given arm bracelets. I had the usual one, an allergy one, and thanks to my med combo a fall alert bracelet. I would grow to hate these bracelets more than anything else about the hospital (except this one nurse) and even though I pulled them off the second I could I still feel like they are there.
After group was meds and I asked to take a shower (they have to unlock it for you). At that time my toiletries were returned to me for the rest of the time. So lesson one was, always ask why they took something. Sometimes there is no reason. Also different nurses adhere to different rules, something you'll hear more about as the days progressed.
I went to bed that night with not one thing accomplished in terms of getting me better except that I was admitted. I did not see a doctor, social worker, or anyone but nurses and art therapy that whole day. I wasn't all that happy about it. Apparently my doctor was off sick and nobody came in to cover.
Finally I was able to curl up in bed with Sophia II, which is a stuffed sheep with white noise who i would recommend HIGHLY if you're going to be in the hospital and esp on a psych unit where it's hard to fall asleep soundly enough between 15 minute checks. Ihad to learn to keep a rail up on my bed though so that Sophia didn't get pitched out of bed.
I woke up a number of times through the night, sometimes during room check, sometimes just because. I was very nervous still since I wanted nothing more than to get started on treatment and I couldn't believe I hadn't seen a doctor yet. Some doctor had ordered a whole lot of bloodwork, but that was about it and I had no clue who that was. One thing I hated with a passion was not being told why what test was being ordered.
And that was the first day........
I woke up early and called the hospital at 8 for confirmation of insurance. The person I needed wasn't there so she called me back about 8:30. I finished feeding my cats, loaded my suitcase into the car, said a very tearful goodbye to the cats and left.
The trip up took a little longer than it should have because first the GPS wasn't very clear on its directions and I got a little lost. Then I kept having to stop to pee. But it was a beautiful day and I was very aware that I needed to enjoy the last time I was likely to see weather that nice this year.
I got to the hospital and found admissions. The admissions man was very rude. He asked for my home address and I gave it. The post office here had a sign up for a long time that the only address that isn't your PO Box address is if you are asked for a STREET address. Otherwise it is the PO Box. He decided to be annoyed by my saying this and asked if I LIVED in a PO Box, very impatiently. I then went into shut-down mode with him because I was so angry. Thankfully I was pre-registered and it didn't take long. The computer system was down so I didn't get a bracelet until later in the day, nor did I see a lot of the papers I would have. I had to sign a voluntary committment paper that said I wouldn't leave against medical advice without a 3 day lag, I'm sure so that they can get a court order if they are really worried about you going.
Eventually someone took me up to the unit. As soon as I walked in both nurses came and started doing what they needed to do: my suitcase was taken, vitals were done, and they showed me my room. My room was pretty nice for what it was. It was private, quite large, and had a dresser, 2 wardrobes that had only shelves (no hangers allowed), a little table, a bed, a nightstand, and 3 chairs. The bed was a hospital bed, but had a pretty comfortable mattress. I was very, very glad I brought my own pillow. The window would have had a beautiful view of one of the Great Lakes, but the windows have a very heavy mesh, then inside that are blinds you can't adjust, so it was hard to see a whole lot.
One nurse asked me questions for a very long time while the other unpacked my suitcase and brought in what she thought I could have. It was frustrating trying to explain some of them meds to her; she wanted them spelled and I was too sick to be able to do that. She also was the first of many, many people that I had to try to explain I had not stopped taking my antidepressant, I was being tapered off by my psychiatrist. They was a little frustrated that I brought so much clothing, but nobody told me there was a washer/dryer available. Random things weren't brought in and I found that weird. I didn't get the courage to ask until I realized that they kept my pajama pants, but not my pajama shirt. I was surprised to be allowed to have my sneakers as long as I turned them in at night. I did not ever actually opt to wear them; I don't wear shoes at home so that would be odd for me. Plus I was in and out of bed a lot and the shoes would have been harder than the slippers I wore.
At some point they brought me a lunch tray to pick at. Eventually I was given a tour of the unit and then left alone in my room. Where I cried. After a while I needed water so I went to the dining room/everything happens there room and kept crying. The nurse talked to me for a bit then art therapy started. Art therapy proved to be the most helpful part of the whole week, aside from meds of course. My project made everyone talk about how I seemed to be looking for control, and that was about right.
After art therapy was "free time". I looked at a book and cried. Ialso started working on logic puzzles and crosswords. I really am not a puzzle person, but this was something that helped me focus on something besides thinking, which I needed. Eventually we had supper and then I asked the nurse about things like my pajamas and weighted blanket that had been kept. She let me have those and several other things they'd taken from me. As the evening progressed there were 3 more new people, bringing the total to 8, the most that it would be the whole week. Mostly there were 6 of us.
We had this final grop at the end of the day that we were supposed to talk about how our days went. When it was done this way I liked this group, but unfortunately that wasn't going to be the case most days.
After supper I was given arm bracelets. I had the usual one, an allergy one, and thanks to my med combo a fall alert bracelet. I would grow to hate these bracelets more than anything else about the hospital (except this one nurse) and even though I pulled them off the second I could I still feel like they are there.
After group was meds and I asked to take a shower (they have to unlock it for you). At that time my toiletries were returned to me for the rest of the time. So lesson one was, always ask why they took something. Sometimes there is no reason. Also different nurses adhere to different rules, something you'll hear more about as the days progressed.
I went to bed that night with not one thing accomplished in terms of getting me better except that I was admitted. I did not see a doctor, social worker, or anyone but nurses and art therapy that whole day. I wasn't all that happy about it. Apparently my doctor was off sick and nobody came in to cover.
Finally I was able to curl up in bed with Sophia II, which is a stuffed sheep with white noise who i would recommend HIGHLY if you're going to be in the hospital and esp on a psych unit where it's hard to fall asleep soundly enough between 15 minute checks. Ihad to learn to keep a rail up on my bed though so that Sophia didn't get pitched out of bed.
I woke up a number of times through the night, sometimes during room check, sometimes just because. I was very nervous still since I wanted nothing more than to get started on treatment and I couldn't believe I hadn't seen a doctor yet. Some doctor had ordered a whole lot of bloodwork, but that was about it and I had no clue who that was. One thing I hated with a passion was not being told why what test was being ordered.
And that was the first day........
Yesterday
I wrote a few days ago that the first thing I'd do on the blogwould be respond to comments. As it turns out, I was wrong. I'm not cognitively able to do that yet. It's coming though, when I am ready. Right now it's going to be all about taking on only tiny things.
So instead, here's the story of yesterday afternoon. I'll write about how I got discharged, but that's a much later story.
The first bad thing that happened was that they waited until the end to tell me Dr. Brain won't be my doctor until December because of a medical leave. It sounded like she asked them not to tell me until the end.I have no idea what doctor I'll be seeing or when, and I won't know until tomorrow. I also don't know when I do see her again; I've been seeing her at the end of each month and I'd much rather get in earlier during a work week if needed because I'm not going to feel ok and sure of all this until I hear it from her.
I can't even explain how I feel about seeing someone I don't know at all for my follow-up (s). After having had pretty good experiences with both my inpatient doctors I feel better than I might have, but still, there is nobody like Dr. Brain.
I also have this paranoia thing that whenever someone is inaccessible like this I'm afraid they'll never be back. I'm sure that stems from all the fears I've got of what might happen to me someday. But it's very hard to trust that in December she'll be back.
Unfortunately my emotions are still out of control enough to make this really upsetting. It seems like one more thing going wrong. The most important thing has happened, the med seems to be working some, but I still have so far to go, and all I want are my usual doctors and my usual routine.
And THIS is why I really didn't want to come home today.........I still have 29 hours until I see Dr. Mind and can talk about all this. There is so much to talk about; this experience has had some really hard parts. And since I didn't get any 1:1 therapy, just 10 minutes/day with the doctor and the groups didn't really let us get into things that were important at the time, I've got a lot to talk about. Thankfully I see him 4 times in the next 6 days.
So, more later as I feel like telling this story. It all depends on how emotional I am at any given moment.
Leaving was so weird. Walking OUT that locked door was a really odd feeling. So was walking outside for the first time in 8 days. And I was wearing shoes and jeans, adding to the weird feeling.
The biggest thing was getting a lot of meds filled. I went to my usual pharmacy, a Wal*greens I won't be using anymore, the place who had assured me they could have Emsam by Monday afternoon. I dropped the scripts off, got some food and things,andwent to get them. Which is when they said Emsam was discontinued by the manufacturer. Naturally, that became instant tears. No matter how much I argued that this couldn't be true, that Very Famous Hospital wouldn't have put me through the hell it took to get on that drug if it wasn't really going to do much, they said "it happens" and acted like I was being totally unreasonable. So I left and called the hospital and cried and cried. All they could do was have the dr call me.
So instead, here's the story of yesterday afternoon. I'll write about how I got discharged, but that's a much later story.
The first bad thing that happened was that they waited until the end to tell me Dr. Brain won't be my doctor until December because of a medical leave. It sounded like she asked them not to tell me until the end.I have no idea what doctor I'll be seeing or when, and I won't know until tomorrow. I also don't know when I do see her again; I've been seeing her at the end of each month and I'd much rather get in earlier during a work week if needed because I'm not going to feel ok and sure of all this until I hear it from her.
I can't even explain how I feel about seeing someone I don't know at all for my follow-up (s). After having had pretty good experiences with both my inpatient doctors I feel better than I might have, but still, there is nobody like Dr. Brain.
I also have this paranoia thing that whenever someone is inaccessible like this I'm afraid they'll never be back. I'm sure that stems from all the fears I've got of what might happen to me someday. But it's very hard to trust that in December she'll be back.
Unfortunately my emotions are still out of control enough to make this really upsetting. It seems like one more thing going wrong. The most important thing has happened, the med seems to be working some, but I still have so far to go, and all I want are my usual doctors and my usual routine.
And THIS is why I really didn't want to come home today.........I still have 29 hours until I see Dr. Mind and can talk about all this. There is so much to talk about; this experience has had some really hard parts. And since I didn't get any 1:1 therapy, just 10 minutes/day with the doctor and the groups didn't really let us get into things that were important at the time, I've got a lot to talk about. Thankfully I see him 4 times in the next 6 days.
So, more later as I feel like telling this story. It all depends on how emotional I am at any given moment.
Leaving was so weird. Walking OUT that locked door was a really odd feeling. So was walking outside for the first time in 8 days. And I was wearing shoes and jeans, adding to the weird feeling.
The biggest thing was getting a lot of meds filled. I went to my usual pharmacy, a Wal*greens I won't be using anymore, the place who had assured me they could have Emsam by Monday afternoon. I dropped the scripts off, got some food and things,andwent to get them. Which is when they said Emsam was discontinued by the manufacturer. Naturally, that became instant tears. No matter how much I argued that this couldn't be true, that Very Famous Hospital wouldn't have put me through the hell it took to get on that drug if it wasn't really going to do much, they said "it happens" and acted like I was being totally unreasonable. So I left and called the hospital and cried and cried. All they could do was have the dr call me.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Not about me
This is another brief one, but please pray for Dr. Brain if you are a prayer person. She's had some kind of medical thing which I suspect explains why it's been hard to get some of the questions I've had about all this answered and why she wasn't in touch with me while I was in the hospital, even after saying once when she tried to call that she'd email me and didn't. She's off work for a month. This is not someone who ever takes time off. I'm worried about her.
Home
I'm home. They got me out really fast once they decided. It was at that point that all kinds of crap started happening and it turned out to be a very stressful day in ways other than "just" hypomania. I'm so tired and upset that I'm not going into it now; instead I'm going to read some blogs, relax, and go to sleep.
The story of the last day tomorrow.
The story of the last day tomorrow.
Big change of plans. I hope
I'm asking to go home today. I'm hypomanic enough being here has become torture. I can't take the noise and all th lights and general stimulation. I'm way better off going home. I hope the dr agrees. I'll know soon. More either when I know, or from home. I suspect it will be late afternoon before I can go if I do, so probably more before I go. If they let me. I may have trapped myself yesterday.
There's not enough anxiety medication in the world.
Just Me
Monday, November 02, 2009
Hypomania
I think I'm cycling some. Not unexpected, and it's happened before during this period, but that is the only thing that explains this hideous agitation today. I've got plenty on my mind, but I'm really feeling like my head might explode and I've had enough anxiety meds to stop that. It won't keep me here, but it will make it harder. Tonight a new person irritated me quite a bit; more on that from home.
I've got most of a notebook to write about from home. I couldn't find anyone detailing a psych stay online and I'm doing it. But first post from home (aside from I'm home) is going to be responses to all the wonderful comments. You'll never know how much you all have helped and how much it has meant.
Only one more night of this.....(after tonight). And in 90 minutes I can have more meds if I'm not asleep.
Here goes.
Not a great night
I've been horribly anxious all day. I've had as much medication as I can until bedtime. I'm just frustrated about so many things, I want to cry, and essentially I need someone to talk to. I read before I came her that daily psychotherapy was part of the program. Not at all, at least for me. I've not even had the social worker talk to me about what she's arranged for discharge, meaning that I may have set up counseling appointments and a dr appt during time I'm supposed to be with the psychiatrist. I really hope that didn't happen. Ideally I want to see the psychiatrist next Wednesday, when my dose of medication can be increased, but I don't know if they'll want me to wait that long and if I get any choice whatsoever. The thing is that appointment is not like most people's; I live so far away it's an all day event. Which makes scheduling hard.
Oh well. I've cried, I've written about it, I need to move on.
Discharge planning
I can't remember how much I've posted, but we've been between going home tomorrow or Wed. I was happy to hear Tuesday last week until I realized I wouldn't see Dr. Mind for 2 days after getting home and that wasn't good. So I asked to try for Wed. The doctor agreed that I have reasonable reasons, so if the insurance approves I'll leave Wed. If not I'll have a big surprise in the morning.
Can't wait to go home, but want to feel safe there.
Just Me
Sleepy
Today is starting off slowly and anxiously. The higher dose Seroquel really knocked me out last night. I wasn't sure it would, and I had actually set a time I'd ask for more anxiety med, but about 30 minutes before that time I fell very sound asleep and didn't wake up until time for early meds. I happily could sleep for a good bit longer. Yet I'm anxious. Those things never seem to make sense to go together.
Glad the weekend is over. Weekends are boring. 2 groups per day, plus one scheduled each day they didn't do which was fine by me because it was on med compliance and that is so far from a problem of mine.
Today is what is probably my favorite day in terms of activities. We have talking group in a few minutes, then we have a group that technically we can play the Wii or various other things, but I always do art therapy, and then after lunch is art therapy again and that's most of the afternoon. Somewhere in the morning I'll talk to my doctor, and I hope to talk to the social worker today. I'm also supposed to talk to the dietician today, I think. I didn't enjoy that much the first time, so who knows what happens now. I need to use free time to call and re-arrange a Dr. Body appointment and make a dental appointment to adjust my bite guard.
Today may also be hard as people go home. I think several to quite a few are, and that's hard. I was very, very sick for a while and didn't respond to treatment all that much until Friday, so I know why I have to stay longer, but just like you'd expect I want to go home. Today is pretty, although I hear it is chilly, and I want to actually be in the sun. Rainy days are a lot easier here.
I'm just now really feeling the whole I'm shut up on a locked unit that is very small thing. Since there are only 10 beds there isn't a lot of space to move around here. I care more about seeing something different than I care about many of the things you'd think I'd care most about. (But not as much as I miss my cats).
It's about group time and I need a drink. More later.
JM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
I may be grumpy but this sucks
The hospital put me on an overly strict version of the diet I should be on. Really I shouldn't be on any diet at this dose, but agreed to follow the big no-nos-soy, aged cheese and a few things I don't eat anyway are out.
They took away so much I couldn't eat anything until I complained to my doctor and he revised it. Except they keep screwing up. And they've made it much stricter than it should have been, taking away vegetables that aren't even on the strict diet. Yesterday I got a grilled cheese and no other food despite having requested it.
This morning I was so happy to get my diet card and see that some things were offered, including 2 of the restricted vegetables. However I didn't want the main choices at supper, and wrote in grilled cheese. I can't remember what I asked for at lunch (and grilled cheese may have been then and something else tonight). So by lunch the nurse had worked on getting this stuff worked out for me and I even got soup, previously not allowed. Tonight? My 2nd grilled cheese of the day, they substituted my broccoli, and gave me nothing else. So I've had a ton of greasy grilled cheese. Oh, and at lunch I was given soup with one of the allegedly not allowed vegetables. This is a wonderful way to gain weight...... I may have written in some kind of eggs for one meal today, which the dietician told me to do when I wasn't eating. This is not making eating any easier.
This is where I can tell how sick I still am. Little things like this make me teary. I also got teary and almost had to leave (stupid) group this morning because I found a hair from my cat.
I again spent most of the afternoon out of my room. Then I fell asleep and slept 1 /2 hours and then had to wake up for supper. Good thing the nurse had known I was sleeping because she woke me up. I now have 2 collages and have found a new way to calm myself.
I also have the pharmacy all set to have the new med. It's so rare places (including this hospital) won't stock it readily without a request. My med costs on the way home are going to be scary. I need lithium refilled, kidney med refilled, a new dose of Synthroid, Emsam (which my insurance may not pay much for), Nuvigil/Provigil (depends on insurance), Klonopin and possibly vistaril which I've also been taking. I'm guessing $200 that day.
I am anxious to get to tomorrow to find out more about d/c. I should get a more-or-less final answer, and I'll be able to talk to the social worker about some things I need arranged.
For now, I need to go try to wake up a little.
JM
You all
I talked about my blog in group today and what a support you've all been to an anonymous blogger. Seriously, I can't go into it right now because I'll cry, but wow.
One boring group today. Tonight we voted for no group, just talking. So very glad. Groups are overly structured. It was ok at the beginning, but we are all better now, most going home tomorrow, and we could talk better than listen. I'm so glad I finally hit on what was irritating me about that.
One of the biggest lessons so far is how good Dr. Mind is, and how good Dr. Brain is. Dr. Mind has me lightyears ahead of where they keep trying to put me, and Dr. Brain has been very supportive and has tried to call me once and has spoken to my drs. The system we've created is so helpful. I also realized how sick I've been in the past, because I've been every bit as sick as this, which is definetely not the mildest issue here.
Working on another collage. Something to do, lets me focus on easy stuff, gets me out of my room and gives me color. I like color. I never knew how much.
Just me
No idea for a title
I fell asleep last night with my book open and in a weird position. I slept like that for 2 hours until they told me that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink until I'd had labs this morning. I only woke up once and that was at 5, which I seem to wake at normally since it's when I get up for work, but 5 was really 4, so I then didn't sleep well until it was time to actually get up. I didn't want to be up too early because no water and this med cocktail is rough.
The blood draw.....didn't go so well. Let's just say there was a mess.
I'm really tired this morning. Partly I think it is the increased dose of Seroquel (am now on the most I can be one) and partly I'm still paying for overdoing yesterday. 4 hours out of the room by choice, not just for groups, is a very long time when you've been doing this maybe 45 minutes per day for almost a week.
I had another odd conversation with my mother last night. She doesn't understand why I'm taking an extra week off. To me it's totally logical, stay in hospital several days longer than anticipated, unliekly to be all better 4 days after discharge. I'll have a lot of appointments in that time, and a lot of adjusting to do.
Here's breakfast. Let's see if I can eat it all 2 days in a row.
Just me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
