Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, April 18, 2014

Today I am angry

I saw Dr. Mind today and got rid of the guilt I've been feeling, I think because I didn't know what else to feel.  This time I asked some questions about various things.  Each time I see him he is preparing me that my brother probably either was sexually abused or was exposed to sexual abuse as a child in some way.  I have trouble accepting this; I'm not really sure why yet.  Actually I do know part of it; at this stage anything that makes him look less guilty is going to be brought out in court.  And so with a family with a history of sexual abuse as rich as ours he'd be stupid to not claim it.  And if I have to hear that I would like to trust it.  Yet I am not going to trust many things presented as evidence that is supposed to make him less guilty.  I can think of other things that they might as well bring up; he was in a severe car accident when he was a teenager.  So although he had no head injury that doesn't stop them from implying that he did.  Who'd know?  In trying to save him everything will be used and while I know that is the way it works it bothers me when it isn't something that is known before the need for excuses began.

I especially have trouble with the sexual abuse thing.  Partly I think this is because he never spoke up about it if it happened.  I know people don't always remember or choose to share but I also know the conversations we've had where he specifically denied it.   I know this doesn't mean it didn't happen.  In our family it was more likely than not. But mostly it is because I know that it happened to me and so I got help.  Lots of it.  And when just talking didn't work I did intensive PTSD treatment. When the usual 12 weeks of one session per week turned into 36 weeks of 2 sessions per week because it was so hard for me I still did it.  And I did it because I couldn't function as an adult without that treatment.  No matter what happens to you, once you are an adult you are responsible for dealing with it.  I don't know if I would have bipolar if nothing bad had ever happened to me.  But because something did probably contribute to it that doesn't mean I am not responsible for how i handle my bipolar.  I can't not take meds or see my doctors and then says it isn't my fault because I was abused.  If you don't take responsibility for yourself because of something that happened in the past and then you choose to behave in ways that are harmful to children then it is hard for me to find sympathy for you, even when you are someone I love and when I know a great deal about what abuse you may have faced.

Naturally once the trial part of this comes I can't have these opinions.  Chances are good that this kind of thing might make a difference between a relatively short jail sentence (say 10 years) and a much longer one that would be essentially life for my brother (20 plus years would make him pretty old before he was released).

This is why I'm asking Dr. Mind questions about the trial now when it is pretty distant.  I think it will be many months or even a year or two away.  Normally in these cases (please know I'm usinig "these cases" so that I don't have to type words that might attract people I don't want around here) they come with a search warrant and take your computers, drives, etc.  They search for paper copies, etc.  But you are usually not arrested for several months or sometimes a year or more while they search your computers and go through your things.  I think my brother angered the task force.  He eluded capture for a long time that he was on their radar.  And I think that in a bid for exacting extra punishment they did things a completely different way.  He was arrested when they came with the search warrant.  Only one computer was taken.  He was arrested on municipal charges then when he was arraigned they dropped those charges and leaked it to the press.  So at this point my brother is not charged with anything at all but the media has gotten his picture around as well as his name, he lost his job, etc.  They say he'll be indicted by a grand jury but if his computer takes the usual months to analyze (they go through all files and then retrieve all deleted files as well and then they have to organize it into how he is charged) then he will have lost months of his life sitting there waiting.  It's a sort of legal torture I think.  And while I do not feel sorry for him because he caused this I do feel bad for him living a very restricted life for potentially a very long time while all he can do is wait, even though he isn't even charged with anything. Innocent until proven guilty and all that.

Anyway, I started writing this last night and then my ankle gave out once again and I fell down the stairs and never got back to it.  I have lots more to say but since I think I may have broken something (it feels like it crunches when I step down unless my brace is on which will be all the time until I see the orthopedist the week) and this series of injuries is proving that I need to be very careful and limited in what I do until it is fixed, which gives me lots of time to think.  Just what I needed............

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Becoming who I am now

I am the sister of an (alleged) child sex offender. This says nothing about me and yet it came rushing into my world like a flood and has transformed everything I know.  When you find out that the police have reason to believe that someone you thought was kind and gentle and safe is a monster you find that it is hard to understand the world in the way you thought you did before. 

The last 2 weeks (and I can't believe that tomorrow it will BE two weeks that we have lived with this) have contained a lot of hard lessons.  I am still shocked enough that I spend a lot of time talking about it all again and again.  I'm not ready to move on yet and the way the process goes that's just as well because we just don't know what happens next.  I've found that I have learned a lot about my own past and the past of my family through this new pain.  Yet the most confusing part of it all is that  see the people who hurt me when I was young as evil and it is very hard to see that same evil in my brother.  Yet they say it is there.

I have felt so much guilt because I can't reach out to him.  When he goes to jail I will not feel safe visiting because a place full of sex offenders is one of my greatest nightmares (even though I realize that is why he'll be there too and that he is not different than the rest).  However it is entirely possible that I may never see him outside of jail again either.  I can't call him; the thought makes me sick.  And so after a lot of thought I decided to see a "thinking of you" greeting card, signed with only my name.

Did you know they don't make those for a target audience of someone waiting to go to trial on a heinous crime?  In the card aisle today it felt like they had cards for everything but "thinking of you while you wait for trial and a probably long jail sentence".  Even most of the blank cards weren't appropriate.  I don't want a message about how much I care or support him.  I don't want to re-establish our friendship.  I don't want to send pictures of children.  Even sending a picture of a cat seems kind of mean since I'm going take his cats soon.

It took seemingly forever to find 3 sort of ok cards, all blank.  I scrawled 3 words and my name on one and tossed it in the mail.  I am glad I was able to do this; I needed to feel that I could reach out somehow.  I learned from evicting my father from my life (something that had to be done and which I am not sorry I did) that you can't ever really get completely away from a family member.  At least I'm not built that way.  I am sure that more and more anger and a period of hatred are coming and I think those things are normal and ok.  But I also need to know that I can show some grace and understand that this is not my shame.  If I can make 3 minutes of the agony he is living with while waiting endlessly and living practically under house arrest because it's not very safe to go out after your picture is all over the news as a sex offender a little easier than I will.  Someday I'll feel the same about jail. 

I will admit though that it was much easier when I was about 7 and he went to college and I would save up quarters and mail them to him wrapped in toilet paper so he could buy Mountain Dew.

Monday, April 14, 2014


It turns out that having a sibling who is likely to go to jail for a long time for a crime you find particularly horrific is a really difficult thing to balance.  See, I love Steve.  I can't say we are close but we did chat on facebook pretty frequently and got along pretty well.  (Although the last time I saw hi in person I yelled at him for yelling at me...great memory).  We just don't have a lot in common.

From the minute I heard what he was charged with I knew I might never be able to see him again.  In fact my mom had written it down and handed it to me on a notepad which I threw across the room.  Because the simple truth is that he could have murdered someone and I'd find it easier to cope with.

Yet as time passes I want to be able to be more than I can be.  I want him to know that while I am devastated and hurt and angry I do still care.  I have had all sorts of ideas about how to show that and none really work.  

Oneproblem is that there is pressure from my mom, who is so sad about how alone he is now.  She is being a mama bear and while it was understandable that I couldn't handle this a week ago that's not true now.  She isn't purposefully pressuring me but I can tell what she wants and what she thinks about my inability to just pick up the phone.

Another problem is that right now I am hearing a lot from my mother's reports about how Steve is feeling.   And while he is very upset and lonely and aware that he destroyed his life I have yet to hear anything like remorse for what he has done to the children who were victimized because he was willing to pay for it.  This doesn't mean he hasn't said it but it isn't being reported back to me.  Which makes me think that he hasn't developed the insight to feel bad about what he did (allegedly?  we don't use that word much but I should because we really don't know and without knowing the charges even he doesn't know what he did or didn't do) as much as he just feels bad that he hurt himself.

Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain say that contact is up to me.  I had thought that I would have this time just before his trial that I could see him.  But the way this is happening that may not happen.  I can't see myself being able to handle a visit to jail with all the sex offenders there (and yes, I know Steve is one of them). 

Tonight I want to send him a card.  But I can't figure out how to send a card that says that I love him because he is my brother, that I miss him and always will, that I'll try to continue sending cards but that this in no way implies that I support what he did or that I can even forgive him for it at this point and that our relationship is different from here on out.  One thing that is so important to me that he know but which seems so stupid is that he has always called me his own little variation on my name.  I will vomit if I ever hear that name again.  It's the same as him touching me; it will make me ill.  Someday I'll talk to him again. I believe that.  But what to do now is a tangle of guilt, need, pressure, anger at myself that I can't make it all disappear, etc.

I wish there were a timeline that we had some knowledge of.  The word is that he'll be arrested again when the grand jury indicts him.  But we don't know when the grand jury meets, how long it will take to do whatever they do, or even when they'll start to meet.  The computer analysis can take a long time from what I've read.  And they have to have done that to know what to charge and how many counts.

I know things I never wanted to.  I'm not allowed to look things up and I've done reasonable well at that but it is impossible to go through this without learning things that you never wanted to know or think about.

At least now it is time for my valium and in about an hour I'll be sound asleep.  Sound asleep is my favorite thing right now because valium prevents the dreams and I just sleep.  I hate that I'm on valium but Dr. Brain says that it if works when so little else will that she's happy to use it and we'll just wean off when the time comes.  Which made me feel better but it's a little scary to know that I can't miss a dose or I'll go into withdrawls.  The same is true for klonopin because I'm taking so much of it.  But ultimately getting some rest and not being so anxious I'm climbing walls is a good thing.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Sweet Meds

This is a particularly hard time for, as the most recent posts have noted.  Sleep was bad before and I was expecting to go to even more Seroquel or start a new anti-psychotic today.  But with the things that have happened anxiety is the key issue and so we are just treating anxiety.

I have been on fairly large doses of anxiety meds for years.  Mostly I took 2 mg of Klonopin at bedtime and then could take 1 (used to be 2) mg as needed during the day.  For the past few years I rarely used that extra one.  However as soon as the events of 4/4/14 hit I knew that I needed more than that.  The first clue was that I hadn't been able to sleep and had taken a day's worth of PRN 30 minutes before the call came at 5:00 AM and there was no way I would make it without help.

I asked for valium as it is something I've tolerated really well in the past and never had tolerance issues.  There aren't a lot of other options so that is what I was given.  It hasn't worked all that well, unfortunately.  I take it and 3-4 hours later sleep.  It should work much faster than that.   It works better if I time it so that it is closer to not only my bedtime meds but also my evening anxiety meds, but that means putting the afternoon dose of klonopin off which isn't easy.  I've been trying to not take it until midnight or so because I want to fall asleep without it if I can. 

I saw Dr. Brain today.  I wasn't sure if she'd let me continue with it.  Instead she said that she is ok with my using this for several months if it helps me get through the next things that will be happening.  So I'm on a bigger dose now and will keep taking that about midnight (3 hours after bedtime meds) with it hopefully working faster and wearing off faster too since I start my days pretty groggy.  It's a little weird to think that I'm on daily valium but it is the best choice so I'm doing it.  I just have to be sure to take it and not try to stop without tapering it under Dr. Brain's care since I'll be pretty tolerant to it with time.  If I wind up hospitalized I know the first thing that will go, but I intend to stay out of there.  This is so hard that it is hard not imagine winding up there but I'm doing ok for now and I think that's good.  Today I only cried randomly abut 5 times while driving.  It's amazing how many reminders are out there.  The worst was the prisoners on work detail picking up trash and the thought this could be the only way my brother sees sunshine, grass and trees and hears a car whiz by his face for many years, if he is fortunate to get to do that. 

This still just is as hard as anything I have faced.   Everything feels more stressful; money, almost moving today(and then the Ikea couch cover was an Ikea loveseat cover and I can't move the cats in until the cover is on or they might tear it so I have to wait for that to come), acquiring things I didn't really think about needed until now, etc.  We are supposed to go on vacation a few weeks.  I don't want to.  Mostly I don't want to spend money but I also don't want to go through the first big thing without my brother.

One day I'll make a list of things that would be easier. 

Just a thought

This little bit of an interview with Stephen Colbert is, I think, rather much like what it feels like to be my brother Steve (not his real name) right now.  From my perspective I am learning what a gift it is to be able to love and what a painful thing it is when you are no longer able to love someone as freely as you want to. 

Anyway, Stephen describes "Steve's" lesson:


Friday, April 11, 2014


I don't have television when I'm on my own so if I can't stream it I don't watch it.  Here at my mom's I watch the news and she often puts on what counts as local news for us.  (We're so far from a city that a lot of the local news is fairly meaningless).  When I'm here by myself I only watch the national news, if that. 

Yesterday my brother (we have got to start calling him something......he is now my brother Steve, a name that took me 5 minutes to come up with that has no relationship to anyone in my life or family at all) was a lead story on the news.  I didn't happen to watch the local news (thank God because the clip was pretty hard to handle) before I got a call that someone had seen it.  Thankfully it was someone who already knew.  I found out more about how Steve allegedly committed this crime and it hit really hard to realize the extreme lengths he went to in order to not be caught.  If this happened as the police say he planned very hard for this to happen and eluded arrest for a long time.  Which is just another reason that it is hard.

I think that I can actually safely say at this time that he was charged with internet child p@rn&gra$hy charges.  At this point he is waiting for the grand jury to indict and the real charges will be filed.  That day is going to be really hard and we have absolutely no idea when it will be.  Could be Monday, could be months.

Our extended family needed to be told after the news report.  Reactions have varied from a cousin's wife who is now on my list of people to ignore at all times to having someone really understand what I'm going through.  This was surprisingly very good for me because a cousin who was molested as I was had much the same reaction and was up very late talking to me.  It helped to hear her say and feel the same things I have felt.  It's hard to not feel like this was done to me when it was done by someone who knows perfectly well what damage was done to my life by child abuse.  And while he hasn't done that he has created a market for it.  Which is the same thing to me.  But I was up all night last night and it took 2 valium to knock me out for about 4.5 hours.

The report itself was hard to take.  The written part was only somewhat bad; it just made me very angry because it contained information that Steve hadn't shared with my mother after promising to share everything.  (I don't trust him at all but she still sort of does).  But the video was terrible; they adapted his mug shot, where he clearly looks drunk to be a background while they talked about what he did.  It was creepy and it was meant to be.  Thank God that something happened today that was bad enough to knock it off it's place of honor.  I'm also thankful because only 2 people left comments and both were not cruel.  One person just stated he knew him from another employment and he was a normal person with some social quirks (Asperger's per my diagnosis) and the other knew him and commented just disbelief.  The report also made it much more real. 

I keep having surreal conversations.  We have talked several times about the possibility of him killing himself.  To my experienced eye the reports I hear aren't that concerning but there is still so much to happen.  I don't know if he'll be back out on bail after the lengthier charges are filed and I can see that being the risky time.  Right now he's trying to finish loose ends and I think appreciate his last days of freedom for a while, maybe a long while.  If the feds take over the case and there are enough charges that are proven guilty he could theoretically spend the rest of his life in jail.  I don't think that's likely but I didn't think Steve could ever, ever do this either.

We're trying hard to get me into my apartment.  We thought it would be tomorrow but we go the couch partway together (it's from Ikea) and discovered we got a loveseat cover for a full-size sofa.  I was able to order it but the wait time is about 10 days.  That's frustrating because I'd like my cats settled before I get 2 more.  I know that transition will be tough and I really want to reduce the stress involved as much as possible.  But it can't be helped.  The sofa came from Ikea and it's too far to go with schedules as they are right now (see no cities nearby).

I heard Steve's voice today when he talked to my mom on the phone.  It made me sick.  Clearly I'm not ready to see him or talk to him yet.  I keep being afraid he will call here when my mom isn't home and I'll be forced to answer because we have to know when he goes back into jail so we can get the pets and probably other things that I don't know about.  I even took down pictures of him that were hanging with other family pictures outside my room at my mom's.  I couldn't stand to see them.

I really don't know a lot of things.  I'm getting information when I feel like I need it or when it becomes necessary, like the things revealed yesterday.  It is just so overwhelming.  My sister talked to Anne today about not seeing Uncle Steve anymore for a long time.  It sounds like a rough conversation and I'm sure she'll be asking hard questions for a long time.  She has a concept of jail so a little understanding of that part but still, it's rough.

And life goes on in other ways too.  Yesterday I had PT.  I'm really impressed with this place.  They do good therapy and it is very individual compared to my last cookie-cutter, didn't notice my ankle issues PT.  I was pretty sore after I left and so when I walked down an outside staircase my ankle gave out again.  This time I toppled completely over so I have skinned knees and big bruises along with more ankle pain and so now I've missed a day of PT exercises because I'm too sore.  I'll do the stretches still but for at least today I am thinking that PT just made things worse by angering the ankle.  So I've now had 3 sprains in less than a month.

I'm seeming to get sleepy so I need to try to take advantage of that if it is real.  I have Dr. Brain tomorrow and it will be a tough time plus a long day.  Chances are slim that I will get to sleep now but I didn't sleep much last night and I worked really hard all day so perhaps.

More to come in the sad saga of watching a family implode.

Thursday, April 10, 2014


I remember when I lost all respect for my father.  There were 2 incidents.  The first made me lose most respect and the second was the end of respecting him.  The first time I was 13 and he read my diary.  There was a lot in there where I was trying to cope with his nastiness and mood swings and the girl he'd brought into our family as his girlfriend.  He made it out that this thing was so hurtful to him and that I should be so guilty.  Yet he invaded my privacy and used what he wrote against me so that I wouldn't have that outlet for dealing with him.

  I was 14 and in the prior 2 years he had disengaged from his family in favor of an adolescent girl.  Until I was 12 he had moments when he was good to be with, even was loving in his own distorted fashion.  But  after he became openly involved with this girl that faded.  I became more and more angry with him as time passed.  The day I realized that I had given up on him in a way that made me not respect him was a day that he came to a track meet that both his girlfriend and I were competing in.  He ignored me completely, even if I walked near him and even when I was competing.  I might as well not have been there.  It was like my being on the team intruded upon his time with his "girlfriend". 

Both of those events were specific occasions but they were occasions that developed over a great deal of time.  With the things happening with my brother now I was blindsided, along with everyone else.  The shock is wearing off now.(or the meds are managing it better) and talking to Dr Mind today helped a great deal.  The idea that any of this can be true is beyond belief.  The trial is probably still a long time off.  I don't think look good for him; sometimes I am glad that I'm not really eligible to be on a jury because things can look completely different than they are.  But even these accusations are extremely hard to bear because he did get in a situation that caused them to come up, no matter whether he is guilty or not.

In the week that I've known about this I've gone through a lot of stages.  There are many more to come.  It feels like grief and we all seem to be handling it like grief so I think it will probably proceed through the stages of grief with all the back-tracing and re-tracing that takes. 

My initial reaction was that I was done.  He is an alcoholic and probably has Asperger's.  I have social skill issues but I'm a socialite compared to him.  Get him on the right topic and he'll dominate a conversation for hours.  Ty to get him interested in what you care about and forget it.  We won't play Trivial Pursuit with him after watching him win a came where nobody else got a turn.  He's extremely smart but never followed through on plans to do much with his intellignce until this last job.  He's never been easy to deal with and he's had a talent for messing things up.  In the last year he finally got a job where he felt respected and competent and in control, rather than having little control in the jobs he'd had previously.  He was making more money than ever before.  His ex-wife or almost ex-wife (don't know if they really divorced) was going to get back together with him.  He had so much going for him and if he did what they say he blew all of it.  On top of that he is accused of something I find to be particularly offensive.  I thought I couldn't ever see him again.

Time has passed now and I have accepted that I have cut my father out of my life but that doesn't mean I don't still care or wonder about him.  Just recently I found a different search site that gave me his address and indicated he may have re-married.  That's pretty odd to think about, that i have a "step-mother" but it makes me happy for him.  He wasn't equipped to live alone, but if I'd taken him in I would have been miserable.

And so my most recent thoughts have been that I will continue to listen to the daily updates from my mother on how he is doing.  I will continue to pray for him.  I will go to my extra counseling sessions and talk to someone who isn't hurting personally until I feel stronger.  At some point I will try to write a letter to him telling him how I feel and why.  He probably knows but I think that it is the right thing to do.  And then sometime before he goes to court I will meet him with my mom somewhere neutral with ground rules in place about the interaction so that I don't live with the idea that I let him go to jail if he is convicted without saying good-bye because I'm pretty sure I can't handle going into a jail.  We'll see, that may not happen and it may not be as bad as I think but I think (at this point, everything is very changeable right now) that is what I need right now.  I don't need to see him to ask questions or talk about it, I just need to see that he still looks like the brother that I thought I knew well.

Unfortunately I don't think anything less than a not guilty verdict will give me the respect I had for him back.  I didn't realize exactly how much respect is earned and that it can be gone in 5 painful words at 5 AM on a Thursday morning.  That's not fair, innocent until proven guilty, but it is just the current state of my feelings.

I am just so confused.  And that is how many entries will end for the next however many months.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

My broken heart

I want to explain what is happening and I can't do that because I don't want to risk putting something out there that could be used in court at some point.  It would take some doing to link this blog to me and then to the person who will be on trial but I don't want to risk it.  I don't want to risk being called as a witness when I only know secondhand information and a lot of pain.

To put it very simply my brother was arrested last week.  I will not say why but I will say that it is a very serious charge that echoes things that other men in my family have done.  I do not know specifically what he is charged with.  I know he is pleading not guilty. There is just a risk and also intense anger that makes my sister and I unable to tolerate being with him. 

In the last 5 days we have cried more tears than I thought I could cry.  It has been like a death in the family, because our little family just crumbled.  I have had a lot of PTSD reactions and have had the weird experience of everyone suddenly knowing what happened to me as a small child and supporting me.  I am taking a lot of klonopin and a little valium (for a short time anyway).  I have no respect for him and I hate him yet I love him.  I don't ever want to see him again but I feel like I should support him and want to do that.  Yet his pictures upset me so much that I took them down from the hallway outside my room. 

Every day everyone changes how they are feeling and what they think.  Everyone is taking meds to sleep.  Nobody really knows how they feel.  Everything changes by the minute when we discuss it.  I am requesting one fact at a time because I don't want to be overwhelmed.  Today was a tiny bit easier for us all.  I've cried pretty hard tonight but only a little during the day.  The worst is when things sneak up on us.  I was just getting off the interstate yesterday when a song came up on my ipod that reminded me of our playing when I was 3 and he was a teenager.  The age gap made for a limited relationship but he was a good big brother when he wanted to be.

The whole thing is a horribly painful mess.  I'll be posting about it a lot I'm sure but no details for some time.  I will probably pull this post down in a few days, just to be safe.  

This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.  It is the most unexpected thing I can think of.  But that's life and right now mine hurts.  A lot.

Monday, April 07, 2014

Fwd: Consistency, PLEASE?

I saw the ankle dr today.  She isn't a surgeon, she's a physiatrist (rehab specialist).  She had some listening issues.  She seemed to think I WANT surgery and was opposed to therapy.  I'm a freaking therapist, what does that imply to most people?  I have been told though that therapy will no longer help and that surgery is necessary if I want this repaired.  She disagreed with everything the dr. down here had ever said about anything.  Absolutely nothing was right.  And maybe he is wrong.  But I already failed therapy once.  A lot of her basis for argument was that I haven't had a bad injury in several years.  That has a lot to do with the fact that I am very good at wearing my brace when there is a risk of hurting my ankle and I'm also very good at ignoring lingering pain.  My ankle hurts a little all the time.  Sometimes it hurts more, sometimes less but I'm used to it hurting.  I probably didn't express that well, that I wouldn't notice the pain until it was quite bad, but when I did try to explain it she blew me off. 

She had never heard of the procedure that has been recommended.  She had to look it up and remained skeptical.  Yet it is the surgery of choice for people with my problem 

She also was just weird.  I have a bump on my heal that makes my achilles tendon quite sore much of the time.  I thought it was maybe a bone spur.  She said no, it was a nodule on the tendon.  But she has no treatment for it.  Um, thanks?  Another reason that surgery is currently my preference is that I want that thing removed too.  I can't see it getting less painful with time.

She did finally ask an orthopedist (after warning me she wouldn't refer me to anyone who will do surgery easily, again with the "you want surgery you don't need" thing (and if I don't need it that isn't because I decided I did, it is because my old doctor has repeatedly told me I did, right up to 3 weeks ago.)  He told her that some people opt for surgery rather than living with the constant turned ankles, sprains (mild though they might be), pain, etc. but that he wanted to see me to make sure I understand how intense the recovery is.  That's fine with me.

So I agreed to try PT. I'll start that tomorrow.  I'm hoping to have limited visits b/c of the cost.  In 3 weeks I see the ortho.  Regardless of what he thinks I don't know if he can do the surgery as it looks like he only is at this one clinic I visited today and if that's the only place he does surgery it won't work as it is outpatient surgery only which I can't do because then I have to pay for 20% of my surgery and because with the MAOI I need monitoring post-op.  And from what I've read this can be a few days hospitalization anyway.  So I have to find out if he has hospital priveleges and if he does and they aren't at the main campus if Dr. Brain is still comfortable with that (since she has to coordinate the anesthesia protocol and having psych involved and she usually comes to check on me herself).  I'm not sure what happens if she isn't.  I guess I try for another referral. 

This doctor was nice enough, she just wasn't picking up what I was saying.  She was very over-confident.  She's only been a doctor for about 18 months and I think inexperience was rearing its head today.  She also didn't know basics, like where the guy she referred me to has surgical privileges.

Maybe PT will take care of everything.   I admit that my last round of PT jaded me because they were AWFUL.  I know that isn't true always and that it may help a great deal.  But I don't think it has the power to repair the torn ligaments permanently and I can't be in PT all the time.  It also doesn't get things so that I can walk without a brace, do anything I want to do without risking re-injury, wear whatever shoes I want, etc.  And it's not like I take surgery lightly; I have good reason to be quite wary of it.  But the bottom line is that I want this to be fixed.  Permanently.

Otherwise still needing lots of anxiety meds and still crying a lot.  A song I forgot was on my ipod came on just as I got off the exit ramp for home this evening and I sobbed and cried the whole way home and then some.  I did get 4 hours of sleep last night (5?) which is much better.  But it took a lot of medication  achieve that.

Just 2 days until I can talk to Dr. Mind.  And talk and talk and talk.  This is so hard because when we talk about it we all wind up crying, or things are said with the wrong meaning.  We are fumbling around in the dark and not finding much that makes sense in either our interactions or our own emotions.  All of us need meds to sleep right now.  Which is weird because it is exhausting to go through a day thinking about everything that is on our minds.

It just makes no sense.  Life, that is.  And maybe I could've handled the dr better if I weren't so tired and stressed and sad but that is how I feel and I can't change that (and wouldn't because feeling otherwise in this situation would be pretty unhealthy.)

The puppy

The puppy suddenly started flipping out when my mom isn't home at night a couple weeks before the old dog died.  She used to sleep in the room with him and it helped somehow.  But now I have done everything I know and he is still barking.  He slept for a while but if I take a deep breath he wakes up.  I even gave him a little sedative.  I think he's getting a little more.  He is so wound up that he's never going to shut up and I need to get downstairs to get water so I can take my pills (way late because of him) and I can't take the barking anymore.  I have in the course of a month tried everything.  Leaving him alon in his crate feels mean but it does not good from me to be laying there while he barks at me.