Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, April 10, 2015

Tears, toes, and Medicaid

First, I should have been more specific about my inability to cry here.  It's not my mom.  It's me.  I apparently need 30 miles between us to just cry.  I can't say that I'd cry at all when she might come over or call me but she goes to bed at 8 or 9 and I can easily cry then.  And even when it's earlier I keep my door locked because we have a lot of drug related crimes and it is safer so she isn't going to get in without my letting her in.  She respects my privacy, I just can't seem to settle completely into "this is home" mode.  I think I'm afraid of that in my own way; I think that if I get too comfortable here something will happen to my mom and I'll have to move on. That's the danger of living with an aging relative; hopefully she'll be healthy for another 30 years but she's not young anymore.  After our community just lost a young person who was so special it's hard to not think about that.  I also tend to shut down when I'm in a bad place because I get afraid if I cry I won't stop or that I'll wind up in trouble.  Dr. Mind can help fix this. 

Toes....I just broke a toe on the foot that is recovering from surgery.  I broke one pretty close to where the tendons I had repaired attach so I have to watch this one.  It was so stupid, I tripped over an ironing board I should have taken down 2 days ago and snap.  I'll tape it tomorrow; just before I did it I had put a ton of Burt's Bees foot crème on it and it is very greasy right now.

Medicaid is about to become the recipient of my mixed episode.  I think I mentioned that an address change wasn't done so all my paperwork wasn't received in time to meet the deadline for updating.  I sent everything in but too late so I started re-applying.  Last night I went to finish the application and it was gone.  Today I called my caseworker but you never actually reach them so I left a message.  In the mail I had a list of documents received like they are using those for the re-application and I may have wasted the hours I've put into getting together esoteric information like every savings account I have that has $.41 in it, the payoff amount from my house sale, my back-pay from SSDI 3 years ago, etc.  So I'm pretty annoyed.  I really hope the caseworker calls back or my annoyance is going to grow a lot.  At least this one doesn't say on her message to not call her back under any circumstances; that was the friendly greeting from my prior caseworker.  But if I'd done that work and it is lost and I have to redo for a 3rd time I'm going to loose it. That's hard to do once, much less 3 times.

Today was a little bizarre here.  We had several enormous storm systems and got 4 inches of rain in 24 hours, 1.25 inches of that within one hour.  Flash flooding was an issue (we are on a big hill so are fine but it can be a huge issue around here) and we still have more storms coming tonight.

I'm tired.  I hope that means sleep.  It would be really good if it did because I've had a patch on and changed it tonight.  I need the patch and I need sleep.  The combination of both would be marvelous.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Thursday, April 09, 2015


This blog will be going private May 1, 2015.  Please watch this space for details or email me at masterofirony@gmail.com and when I have organized the password I will send it out.  Don't worry if I don't respond immediately; I'll do it all at once when this is complete.

I finally realized today that it is possible part of the reason I feel like I'm on the verge of falling apart isn't just because I'm tired, it's because I've been pushing myself to keep it together the entire time I've been living here.  For almost 2 years I've kept a "public face" on most of the time.  I cry but I don't let myself cry like I am depressed.  I am letting so much build up inside and then I wonder why I feel so flat.

This is something Dr. Mind and I are going to have to work on.  It used to be that I at least cried with him but now I'm not even doing that.  And I think I need to cry.  I need to say good-bye to my professional life now that this has become a more real situation and I need to say good-bye to other things I have lost because I had to lose my career.  I need to feel sad and I'm refusing to do that.  Anxious, yes.  Hypomanic, yes.  Exhausted, yes.  But sad, that I refuse to do. 

Dr Mind and I have been talking about my need to keep people happy and not complain or push and potentially annoy someone and that I sometimes need to push a little more.  I've gotten worse at this since I moved here, I think because I find it hard to push at my mom when she financially is helping so much.  But my mom having free reign over my life isn't good and my feeling like I can't cry in my house because she is next door isn't good.  I have a list going of times I should have pushed at people lately and the biggest is Dr Brain; I didn't want to pester about getting in sooner yet I needed to be seen sooner and someone needed to acknowledge the request even if it were impossible.  I am planning to ask her how to handle this next time so that she knows it happened this time and so I do know what do in the future, but it really bothers me that she potentially didn't pay attention to an email about this when I have never asked to see her sooner in 12 years.  There have been times we've moved appointments up but that has always been based on email or phone conversations.  I've never asked just because I wasn't doing well.

I don't know.  I finally realized today that I am not only feeling bipolar I am also feeling hypothyroid.  So I sent an email to Dr Body asking for labs to be drawn.  Hopefully that will happen in the next day or two.  It would be wonderful if there is a physical reason for some of this.  My synthroid hasn't been adjusted in years so it would be a little surprising for a change to happen but anything is possible and I think when the bipolar gets going that it can have complex effects on the entire rest of the body.

Anyway, I think I'm a little tired.  We'll see how that works but I'm going to quit doing things that aren't going to help me relax, like writing.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

What goes up.....

This blog will be going private May 1, 2015.  Watch this spot for details or email masterofirony@gmail.com and I will contact you when have things set up.  Don't worry if I don't acknowledge the email immediately; I'm saving them all for when I know what to do.  Thanks.

Last week I got a few nights of sleep.  This was related to just taking my patch off and leaving it off for several days then wearing it only every other day.  Once my levels started to go back up sleeping got a little more difficult.  I'm concerned about not getting enough anti-depressant (and questions to Dr. Brain went unanswered although partly probably because I thought Dr. Mind had emailed her as he said he was going to so I wasn't as detailed in how bad I feel as I could have been and when I tried to move my appointment up she and her secretary were off and the person filling in said she'd do.....something........but nobody followed up so I guess something wasn't much.  And I made bad decisions about not pestering.)  So everyone has had some failures here and I still have no idea how to keep my Emsam levels lower without plunging them too low and I'm completely frustrated that I've been trying to find out for 5 weeks and everyone fell through on me.  But I see Dr. Brain Monday so I just have to live a few more days and I think Dr. Mind was going to email although I have no real idea as that conversation got weird and went off on a tangent and I'm not sure he heard me say it was ok to do it.

Anyway, once I got Emsam in my system I quit sleeping again.  And so this is day 3 that I've been up all night, although I have gotten a few hours of sleep in the day so still better than 2 weeks ago.  I probably should take valium but it has been so unhelpful at anything but drugging me until I just lay there that I don't want to.  If I take enough to sleep I sleep so late that getting to sleep the next night is affected.  I have no solutions.  I have been trying to exercise more but my ankle demanded a couple of days off.

Therefore I feel awful again.  I have no idea how to manage this whole thing with people communicating or not communicating.  I need to talk to Dr. Brain about this thing with trying to get in sooner; if they'd called and said she had no time that would be one thing but no response is just confusing and kind of irresponsible since I don't think I have ever called and asked to be seen sooner in 12 years. 

Not much to say really, I'm tired and cranky and very anxious because I have to re-apply for Medicaid because someone didn't update my address last year when I called about it and so my paperwork got to me after it was due and so first I sent in all the paperwork for renewal only to get a letter that I was too late, then I filled out the wrong application and then tonight I did a lot more and saved it only to get a message that at 2 AM it shuts down and since I saved at 2 on the nose I don't know if my stuff saved.  There is absolutely no warning that you are about to be kicked off.  It's really frustrating.  The application is also frustrating because there are no comment boxes and some things are ambiguous. 

Oh well.  I've got to get calmed down.  Being angry at Medicaid never helped anything.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Friday, April 03, 2015

2 nights but......

I slept about 12 hours last night, maybe a little more although I was awake repeatedly until early morning.  This seems to be a theme.  I had agreed to go see Dr. Mind again today to check in since I'm alone all this week and they get anxious when my mood is bad and I don't have support.  But we'd also agreed I'd cancel if I was sleeping and I did just that.  I'm glad too since I slept about 4 hours longer than I would have if I'd gotten up.

Tonight I am not sleepy at all.  I have a feeling tonight will be a valium night.  I dislike those.  It means tomorrow will be hard and I have things to do tomorrow.  But I don't want to start the not sleeping at all cycle again so I'll do what I have to do. 

I still am surprised that this evened out even a little on its' own.  That doesn't usually happen for me.  I can't really remember a time things got that bad and then improved independently, even if for only a short time.  I've had times I've gone a long time without sleep and crashed but this didn't seem to be that exactly.  I am not great but I'm not horrible either.  I don't know.  Menopause is definitely changing my symptoms and making things easier to manage.  And I know there is an effect because every so often I still have a month that it appears that there are some more hormones operating and this month has been one of them.  In fact this led to my sad experiment.  I wanted chocolate badly but didn't want to eat it all quickly so I decided to buy some and freeze it so that I had to wait a bit to get my treat.  I got mini Reese's cups and guess what?  The middles don't freeze.  So I ate a lot more chocolate than I should have this week.  Oops.

Today is a strange day.  Last year April 4 was when we found out about my brother.  And I remember thinking so many times that I wanted to go back to April 3 when life was so much easier and I didn't have that terrible knowledge.  And now it is April 3 again, a whole year of living with this.  I thought it could never get easier but it has although it is still so hard.

Anyway, back to reading and trying to sleep.
Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

One night of sleep

Last night I slept.  I have no idea why.  I didn't take valium because I had to be able to wake up when someone came to help remove the huge branch that fell from a tree yesterday, blocking the driveway.  I can't remember when I fell asleep, only that I was surprised that I felt somewhat tired and decided to try closing my eyes and then I was waking up and thinking that I'd slept a little while.  I was awake for about an hour and then slept again and took a nap this afternoon as well.  Right now I feel tired but I am not going to guess whether I'll fall asleep or not tonight until I know.  If things have fixed themselves I'll be stunned as that's never happened before but I am so thrilled to not feel sick from exhaustion that I know I can survive another night if tonight is bad. 

Tomorrow I go back to see Dr Mind, mostly just to check in and show that I'm still ok.  This is partly because I haven't been good the last few times I saw him and partly just another of the things that I have to do until people are confident that I won't do the dangerously suicidal thing again.  Because the last time was really serious and I stayed that way for so long I have a long time (if ever) before they will really trust me on that again.  It got so close to being really bad without my saying anything.  So I live with this still and I understand but it still feels kind of weird.

But anyway, I finally did sleep and if I am very fortunate my brain will decide to turn this around.  Especially since I haven't heard back about moving my appointment with Dr. Brain up.  She and her secretary were off when I called and the person covering said she'd send an email.  I have no idea what that means in terms of what Dr. Brain actually sees or is aware of.  And I hate to call again because they didn't say how long she was off and I don't want to pester her, especially if I call and she's only been back 3 hours and I'm bugging her.  Or something like that that probably wouldn't happen. 

More to come, hopefully positive.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Monday, March 30, 2015

At last, a Band-aid

Please note that this blog will be going password-protected on May 1, 2015.  Please watch this space for updates.  You may also email me at masterofirony@gmail.com and I will contact you with the password when I have set things up.

So finally last night after 3 hours of fighting and the maximum dose of valium I am allowed to take I got some sleep.  I think I slept about 12-13 hours, was awake a few and slept another 2-3.  Now it is 2:15 and I'm wide awake because I slept all day but at least I got enough sleep to stop feeling sick and that I can continue to live a few more days. 

Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind and intend to call Dr. Brain's office to try to get in there earlier.  I don't think another 2 weeks of waiting is going to do any good and I can't take this a lot longer.  The amount of valium I took last night does get me some sleep but it has such a huge cost that I'm not sure it is worth it and it is definitely not sustainable; I can't sleep all the time and be too sedated to move when I am awake.  And for whatever reason I am not adjusting this time around to the valium.  Last year it was such a blessing because I could take it and sleep and after I was used to it there weren't hangovers or over-sedation or anything, just a good night of sleep.  This time that's not happening and it is not good.

But at least I'm not still operating on a few hours of sleep in 3 days.  That was awful.  Now I'm just very tired, awake and still very sad that I'm not on vacation.  I know all the reasons I'm not but I just wish that my timing were different.  The pictures of everyone in the hottub looking over the ocean today looked amazing.

But this is just how it is.  Life goes on.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Sunday, March 29, 2015

For Pete's Sake

I waited all evening to take the bigger dose of valium I'm planning to use to knock myself out until hopefully tomorrow afternoon.  I was so tired but not that sleepy and I thought it best to be sleepy before taking something that is capable of making sleepy but not falling asleep torment (I've done this before after all).  So I waited until my meds were in my system and working.  And my body decided to get less sleepy.  I'm taking the valium in 40 minutes no matter what and if I suffer I suffer (I'm also open to taking more valium and some klonopin if I have to) but this is ridiculous.  I know it happens and I've survived before and will again but wow.  It would help if I weren't hungry but nothing seems to be what I want to eat.  This is a reminder of why I don't work.  And I didn't really need one.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Saturday, March 28, 2015


Thursday night I slept 4 hours straight.  This was good.  Then I woke up, took Vicodin for my migraine from not sleeping enough and drove to my sister's.  She was getting ready for vacation while my brother-in-law was at a conference and this morning my sister had to go in to work for a while before my brother-in-law was back.  When I was going on the trip this was all worked out but there wasn't a solution when I realized I couldn't go so I went and stayed.  And so I had the kids all afternoon and evening and while I had a good time (the baby has preferred my mom over me for a long time and this was the first time I'd seen her without my mom and it was so sweet for her to snuggle in, say "nap", cuddle her 2 babies and drift off to sleep in my arms.) it was a lot of energy.  Then I was up until 2 something, heard the baby cry a couple times and was up for real at 4:45.  I had the kids until about 10 and then drove them to my sister's work and then home.  I slept 3 hours when I got here.  I was so cold when I got here that nothing warmed me up, not a ton of blankets or fleece pajamas or wool socks.  I woke up hot and sweaty and then have proceeded to be very, very cold all evening.  I finally looked it up and when you are really sleep deprived your body gets cold to make you fall asleep.  Not working.......I also just feel sick.

So I've made some decisions.  Pretty soon I'm taking more valium than I have been taking.  I may sleep way too long and pay for it tomorrow night but I have to have more than 4 hours of sleep.  I also am going to beg to see Dr Brain this week if at all possible.  I know this means I probably will have to go on another, older anti-psychotic this week and that sucks but I have to sleep and for whatever reason valium is more making me lay around and drool.  Klonopin helps me sleep a little better although not for long times but I am hesitant to use my PRN dose at bedtime without approval because it means I'm taking a lot pretty close together.

I can't even begin to describe how tired I am.  Nor does anyone really want to hear it.  And to make it even harder to sleep I got home tonight get my national board certification retired certificate which just sucked and a packet from Medicaid that was dated 3/10 that should have been returned by 3/20 that was for renewing my status and I didn't get it until 3/28.  Which makes it a bit hard to get it in by the 20th. 

Anyway, this is past the point of playing around.  I am so glad I'm not on the trip, all the while wanting desperately to be on the trip.  But I'm better to be here where I am not sharing my misery with anyone trapped in one house with a lot of other people besides me. 

I hate when my body forgets about sleep and that this is a required part of life.  It seems so simple......need sleep so sleep.  Why on earth would a body give up on something it needs?  It's bad enough to have a crappy mood so my body enhances that with not sleeping.  But tonight, no matter what drugs it takes, I'm sleeping.  I hope.  Just waiting to get to the point I'm sure I'll fall asleep because nothing is worse than drugging yourself heavily and then not sleeping.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Thursday, March 26, 2015


Dr Mind was concerned enough to contact Dr. Brain.  He said that was the worst I've been in about 2 years.  I can't tell because I remember last spring as being horrible but it was the reaction to things with my brother, not an episode but it makes it hard to remember when I felt bad and it wasn't for a reason.  Regardless, it's not good.

I just can't get enough rest.  Valium makes me groggy and I get some rest but the sleep is very broken and not sound.  And I don't take it until I am getting sleepy (if I took more it would have me out until evening and then I wouldn't sleep the next night so I'm choosing the lower dose that is harder to fall asleep with but which lets me function in about 12 hours).  So mostly it just makes me feel lousy.  I kept my patch off a couple of days which was good for decreasing the agitation but I have enough depression that I can't do that long or decrease the dose much. I'm hoping for some guidance from Dr. Brain on that one.  It can be cut in half but I'm not sure that's enough medication.  But it is stimulating and that's not so good right now.

Today we cleaned my house heavily for several hours and I went on a walk with my  mom and the dog.  I should be exhausted.  But it's 2:35 and I'm still wide awake and so agitated I'm shaky. 

I am going Friday to my sister's to help her with the kids so she can load their car to be ready to go for vacation and then to watch the girls on Saturday morning while she goes to work and their Daddy gets home from a conference.  I dread this because I have a feeling I'm going to be watching 2 little girls who need to be very active in the morning before a long car trip while I've had about 2 hours of sleep if that.  I just couldn't stand not doing this because my not doing it would have left her in a bad place.  Dr Mind would be very unhappy with me about this; I'm supposed to be learning to just say no.  But I've just said no about so much this week and  I don't want to feel guilty because I messed up my sister's career or something. 

Anyway, time to try to drug myself into semi-sleep.  Blech.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Sunday, March 22, 2015


Please note that this blog will be going private May 1, 2015.  Please watch this space for instructions on getting the password.  You can also email me at masterofirony@gmail.com and I will follow up when I have figured out how this works.  Don't worry if I don't respond immediately; I will make sure I do in time.

I've had 2 nights of valium induced coma.  It doesn't feel like sleep, it feels like being sedated.  And it's not even close to getting me on track with a sleep cycle; I'm too manic for that so I take it when I'm calm enough for it to work.  I can take more but it would knock me out for so many hours that I'd still be messed up.  Figuring out the hours I'm sleeping can happen when I'm not so mixed.

It feels like everything is far too overwhelming right now.  I am so tired and when I'm awake I'm still groggy and stupid from the valium.  I'm taking such a tiny amount, just 1.25 mg (I'm allowed 5 mg), but it kicks my butt.  I feel restless and too tired to do anything.   I over-exercised my ankle tonight because I'm too manic to know when to stop.  On the other hand I can do one legged squats on a wobble board.  Not big squats but this is still impressive control. 

My Noah cat is much, much better although he is currently furious with me for putting flea medication on him.  He won't even cuddle with me.  Too bad, he's allergic and the only way to treat the fleas is to treat him for 6 months solid to be sure they are all dead in all stages.  And since I bought 6 months of meds and he already had another month he still has 6 months to go.  But at least his butt isn't bald anymore.

The Anna cat decided she hadn't had enough attention and got a UTI so we went back to the vet.  She seems better although she kept waking me up last night every hour.   But she's not peeing on the bathmat which is a good sign.   It was funny, her being alive and thriving is so counter to common sense that when the vet saw she gained 2 pounds she checked her for a tumor very carefully before admitting it was real weight.  I've done everything wrong according to traditional veterinary medicine and Anna's thriving.  But I've also read a lot of recent research supporting what I'm doing and one article that was kind of way out there alternative stuff that made a lot of sense that said cats can have inflammatory kidney disease with grain allergies and you take away the grain and the kidneys function again.  They may have chronic kidney disease from the damage caused by grain or they may be fine on grain-free.  This is unproven and esoteric but I truly think it is what happened with my girl.  Nobody can explain why she is alive, much less thriving and looking so healthy, just a few months from turning 20 when a year ago they were sure she only had a few months of kidney function left and when I've been feeding her exactly the opposite of the diet they'd normally recommend.  We agreed that hospice care was appropriate and with that I'd feed her what she'd eat and that led to the discovery of her current diet and that couldn't be better for her.  The vet didn't even say what she wanted to about my use of egg yolks which are controversial as well; some vets say great and mine had a display up listing the reasons not to give them.  But Anna eats them so they are fine with me.

So the feline members of the house are doing better and I'm really struggling.  I feel bad about not going on vacation.  I love the beach and I know I'd have fun with my nieces.  But there are so many reasons not to go that outweigh the reasons to go.  I'm just not well enough and that's the final answer.  Noah needs me is secondary.  And all my symptoms are also a big deal.  I just wish that it had worked out.  Yet from the beginning I've felt iffy about this as Dr. Mind has reminded me several times.  Mostly I'm unhappy about it because I hate when bipolar takes things from me.  But the beach will be there another time and I'll be better then.  Right now I do not need anything introducing more stress.  

And that's about it.  Hopefully I'll get sleepy enough to take valium soon.  What a mess that I'm not taking it until 2 AM or so.....But whatever it takes.  First thing is to get rest.  Next is to fix when I rest.  I have to feel a little more together before that matters so much.

Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com