Out of my hands

My entire application for SSDI has been submitted.  I have an interview over the phone Monday to be sure all information is complete.  I may be contacted for further information or to see their doctor, but pretty much now I wait about 4 months.

It's all in God's hands now.  I've provided every drop of information I can think of.  I hope it was enough.

Bad night whiny day

Last night I slept about 30 minutes and then was up until 4:30.  Yesterday some of the harder stuff in all I'm trying to do hit a little harder and so the emotional response was enough to cause a rough night.  I did find some missing papers, so I guess it wasn't totally a lost cause, but I am so tired.  I actually skipped going to see my niece so that I could rest.  I almost never do that.

I hate it when I am too tired to make progress.  Today's grand total of activity was to make one phone call.  Hopefully I can work a little more on my nearing completion form for SSDI but I am just tired and sad today.  My brain decided I needed a swift reminder of how hard this is just when I thought I was getting good at making this less raw.  Turns out not so much. Dr. Mind told me this would happen.  It's just hard.  Whenever really negative thoughts come I start worrying that I'll be sent back to the hospital.  And while the hospital does good things in general there are some really hard parts and I have spent too much time there lately anyway.  I know my situation is different and that needing to be there again is not beyond the realm of possibility but I keep remembering this man who was there with me in the fall.  They were working very hard with him on finding out what made him prefer to be in the hospital because he kept coming back.  This last time was weird enough as I knew where everything was and how everything works as well as anyone could because I've spent so much time there now.  I don't want to be the one they are asking why I am so comfortable there and what I'm trying to avoid by being there.  I realize that what I am going through buys me some time to feel horrible, but it's hard that I know I can't hide anything from the doctors right now and that if someone says hospital I will be going and will not have room to argue.  I am diligently telling the truth when asked, and Dr. Mind promised that I have answer only yes/no unless more is needed, but I need to find out what is acceptable versus what is a signal that I am in trouble.  I know he won't be specific but I think it's a lot easier to tell the whole truth when I know that the whole thing is telling, not "I'm telling and then what" as it feels now.  I had a few scary moments the last few days when I wanted to make dangerous choices.  I didn't and even though I know this is pretty well expected at this point it is still really hard to know how to process it.  Especially because I can't get past the fear that someone will get angry with me.  Even if both times I have to tell about I did the right thing it just feels like someone should be upset.  Dr. Mind and I had talked about this some just before my life blew up and we need to go back.

First though I need sleep.  It's killing me that it is only 6:00.  I'd love to get to bed by 10, but that is such a dream right now.  I am so, so tired of getting to sleep at 3 or 4 AM.  It's good that I can sleep after that but not so good that it's become every night.  I am hoping Dr. Brain does not tell me I need to use the sleeping pills.  I hate how they make me feel and my history is that they only work for short periods.  I'm hoping for more seroquel but may still be in the danger zone for too much antipsychotic and a repeat of akasthesia.  I believe that I have passed that point but really I know little.

I hope Dr. Brain has gotten in touch with Dr. Mind.  That's become an issue in that he's tried and tried to get in contact with her and she's not answered.  Which is bad on a lot of levels, including that part of my safety system means that he needs to be able to reach her quickly. This is between them, but it still is annoying.

Anyway, enough of this complaining.  I'm just not having a very good day today.   It's hard when someone happens and I have to wait 2 days or so to talk to Dr. Mind about it.

I wish he weren't always right

Dr. Mind told me yesterday that I should be aware that just because I felt a little less crushed yesterday than I had been that I was not done feeling bad.  This is hard enough to go through and then the part where it was thrown at me with no warning and the part where I wasn't doing all that fabulous to begin with all add up to this is going to be hard.

Like I said last night parts are hard.  Some things are ok in that I do them and they are hard but they are done.  And having them done feels really good.

Today was actually pretty good.  It was gorgeous outside and I went to my mom's and we took the dogs for a walk and had supper.  Non-frozen cooked food is an incredible treat right now.  And as I got tired the more symptoms I had to fight.  Which is frustrating.  Right now because I'm on such a tight watch for safety issues it is even harder because every time a thought of self-harm goes through my head I know that I'm going to be talking about it.  So for now we're up to 2 things to talk about Thursday, which is so frustrating to know in advance, even though I also know I have to talk about it so I don't go back to the hospital.  The hard thing is that for so long I had myself so firmly convinced that I couldn't tell anyone or I'd have to go to the hospital and would be stopped that it's really hard to turn that around into it's ok to tell, hiding gets you sent to the hospital.  I just wish there were a way and somehow time to make me not dread this part.  I think I need to talk to Dr. Mind about this, but with so much happening I don't know if he's going to feel it's a good time to take things on more that when I have to do.

I did just impress myself.  In grad school I saw one psychiatrist for a couple years and then he died.  So I saw this woman psychiatrist about once.  She suggested I was bipolar, I left, we attempted a med change and she changed her mind midstream, and then I graduated.  I'm trying to give every single possible doctor to give as much information as possible.  I managed to come up with her name without having to desperately search.  No clue how that stuck in my head but it did.  Chances are good those records are destroyed but I'm trying to show that I have been being treated for this for many years.  I'm going back 15 years since I know further back the records are definitely gone.

Otherwise if you get interested in my progress with all of this in the right sidebar there is a new page keeping track of what is done.

Have a good evening.

Unearned income

One of the really hard things about going through this is that I have to accept financial help that I never thought I'd need.  I have written about how hard it is to face that Dr. Mind is going to be losing even more money on me during a time that his own financial situation is plenty rough.  Some parts seem harder than others; applying for assistance for heating and later air conditioning (due to medical condition) doesn't bug me much.  Food stamps were a little more challenging to think about but I desperately need that; the amount is likely to be enough to feed me with very minimal cost to myself especially if I figure out coupons and go back to my grad school skills at knowing what stuff is safe to get from the ultra-cheap stores and what isn't.  I just finished applying for those and at the same time will have applied for some stuff that I am not eligible for until I use up a little bit of money.  So I'll probably have to re-do that form later.  And that form is not all that well designed, but it also gave me greater pause that I expected the food stamp application to do.  Why?  Because it asked what unearned income you have or have applied for.  This turns out to be disability through a job, social security disability, social security income (low income supplement) itself, etc.  And that struck me as odd.  Because I did earn disability through work.  They aren't going to pay me, but I did earn it.  And I've paid in the system for many years to be eligible for SSDI (social security disability).

One thing I managed to think to do while things were tough last week (or just before I found out how tough they were going to get?) was to open 2 credit card accounts using the income I technically have until I lose my job.  This was done to hopefully transfer my high balance high interest card to others as well as using tax $ to pay it down.  I haven't received a response yet but when I got into my mortgage webpage I had a new credit card line of credit.  So there's one balance transfer I can do soon.  I hope the other card is also approved.

And that is the hardest part.  I worked so incredibly hard to bring my credit up over the past few years.  And I succeeded, making me able to open new cards and shift things around.  Dr. Mind and I talked today about my struggle with my car.  For the job I had an SUV was needed.  I was nervous about the extra cost but I worked really hard and got the best possible deal.  I kept having to remind myself that I was making very, very good money and that I'd done well for a long time.  But buying a car was a bit of a gamble.  And now I have little choice but to keep it because it's a long way from being paid down enough for a trade to be the least bit effective; I'd just wind up with a cheaper car but leftover debt from this one added to the cost.

Because of the times I was off work I knew to never take income for granted.  But I also had huge expenses and so I never saved much.  Turns out that makes it easier to qualify for assistance but it does make me a bit sad.  I think that the hardest part overall of accepting that I need government assistance to manage is that I know how much I was making and it does not seem like one could possibly go from the salary I managed to negotiate before starting this job and then one day get a letter that says "haha, no income for you", even though technically I'm still employed.  The shock is finally clearing and the fact that I feel relatively comfortable with these applications (sometimes there is not a good answer) has helped.  Last week on Monday when I saw Dr. Mind I had only known for 45 minutes what was happening and I had sobbed the entire way to see him.  When he came for me I was still crying and shaking and pale.  He kept looking at me funny and asked if something happened on the drive up.  And then I cried for 3 or 4 days.  On Thursday he looked at me again and after asking how I was noted that I looked terrified.

I'm not terrified now.  I'm doing everything I can to save myself.  I may not succeed, especially if my initial claim is denied like so many.  I still am completely stunned and very sad that this has to happen the hard way.  I also know that this possibly makes it even more likely I'm not going to work more than the small amount SSDI allows.  Dr. Mind seemed surprised that I said that; I know he has thought this for a while and apparently he didn't know that I knew.  Not sure how that got confused.

Time to start the several hours of settling down to sleep.  Hopefully my brain will let it go tonight and not force me to get up to make notes about the disability application.  That would be a really big blessing.

Learning

As I watch my finances reach freak out level and I continue to shift things around to make things work I am discovering how much I took for granted.  I just eliminated $11/month with subscriptions I basically had been too lazy to delete.  I took the time to ask and found out I don't need a phone line to have DSL, saving me about $60/month (I may have to add some cell minutes so maybe only $40 but we'll see).    I can't do much about utilities until I have gotten rid of a few financial things that prevent me from qualifying for aid programs.  I think I will qualify in a month or two.  But already I've cut about $100 and really won't suffer for any of it.  There are plenty of things that are going to be very hard and in a way the things I have no way to cut back and save money are the hardest to cope with.  Dr. Mind is going to see me at a very reduced rate.  This is very hard because I don't know what to tell them I can manage and I feel really bad accepting this but was told that I am well known there (it's true, therapists use my name and I don't know them; comes from being the longest term client and there for all but 2 years the place has existed) and that this is how they can help and I need to let them worry about that part.  Except then they asked what I can afford and I do not know what to say.  Not only do I really have no idea the amounts I'm sure of are so tiny to be pointless.    He brought up the other day that cutting back would save me money.  I am not remotely comfortable doing that and yet I am worried that suggestion came to help them not lose so much money while being kind to me.  The last I knew from Dr. Brain she wanted the twice weekly sessions to be very long term.  And practically they are important; I pretty much need someone to be asking me if I am in danger because I don't know I could volunteer that yet.  And the only way to get into my large quantities of meds is to have Dr. Mind give me my key.  That means if I make a mistake grabbing pills it's important to get in there soon, and it is also important to be able to put away new bottles of pills.  So giving up that support would be pretty bad.  Yet the twice a week thing is unusual, at least where I go.  Everyone seems ok with it because it works for me and time has shown this, but when they are getting into essentially donated time it's harder.

Some of the harder things are still coming, like telling the hospital I can't pay them $1500, or going to find out about food stamps, etc.  I am happy to have the programs available and know that this is what they are in place for, but it's strange to be filling out so many forms and trying to explain my income last year has no bearing on now.  I discovered while looking at some social security stuff that one way it's easy to tell how sick I've been is that I never made the kind of money I should have.  The early years when I didn't have trouble working (at least less of it) I was a new grad with a lower income.  Then the rest of it is broken by periods of disability, unpaid leaves twice each for a few weeks, and short periods of unemployment.  Plus there were a few years I didn't work full-time.

On the other hand years of meticulous paperwork that is both dictated by and scrutinized by the government have given me a hand with this application process.  About a year and a half ago someone from corporate reviewed my documentation saying that the only problem was that I was TOO specific and therefore wrote extra.  That is serving me well now.

I don't know how to describe how I"m feeling right now.  There is a way that I feel a little better.  I think deciding with my mom and for now we're working on my staying in my house until I'm ready to change that  helped. I don't love it here and if I were in a position to just decide to move I would, but I do not want to move when I would have to buy a house that would not be likely to be as nice as this.  This place has problems but I have spent vast amounts of money on roofing, windows, and doors and it is snug.  I could never afford to repeat that and the difference those 3 things made in my home is so great I do not want to leave and not be able to fix it.  There are other things but mostly I had decided to move in a sequence.  This would not be following that and the one thing I promised myself was that I would buy a home that did not need top to bottom remodeling as this one has.  I can't afford that and my decision making is different now.

While I am getting used to all of this I also feel like such a failure.  I know that I tried as hard as I could and that I did more than would easily be expected of me.  I know that 11 years (almost) is a pretty amazing run when I really couldn't hold a job or work very long without time off for illness.  I know that I worked on medications that make work extremely hard.  But I always thought if this happened I'd have more warning.  And while I suppose I could have seen back in the fall that I wasn't bouncing back I kept thinking that until Brenda the ovary issue got so bad that I couldn't stand it I had been doing fine and would resume that.

I have always tended to have a pretty good memory about patients.  It is because I was often supervising patients in 5 or 6 places when I was a new grad and nearly always at least 2 after that.  So I easily could have assistants asking me about 40 or more patients.  It was easier to memorize them.  But one thing that I've noticed is that my mind may have been preparing for this ending more than I knew.  The last weeks that I worked are so clear in my mind and I remember the last patients (the last month or two of them) in great detail.  While other patients from home health certainly stand out none stand out like the last group.  It's almost like I knew those were my final patients.  I just wish I'd been able to say good-bye.  One person in particular I'd worked with for months, had gone to her house worried that I couldn't reach her and discovered her having a stroke, and she was to be done at my next visit, which never happened.  Another person I had just immediately clicked with.  He will be the last treatment I ever did.  I was so anxious to see him through his upcoming transplant though and I know he had it but nothing else.  The last day I worked I saw him, had the next person stand me up, evaluated someone I had previously treated and knew wouldn't need treatment, evaluated another person who didn't need or want more than one therapy and started to see a final person who couldn't be seen because hospice had started with them the night before.  It's weird to look back and think that was the final day because it was atypical and nothing about it gave any indication that I wouldn't soon be doing the same thing.

Anyway I should go.  I think I have an appointment with Dr. Mind tomorrow but it's not on my appointment card.  I am nearly positive they said Monday though.  So I have a call in and if I don't have an appointment I'm hoping they can get me in.  Which means I should try to sleep.

One thing I miss desperately is taking meds and getting sleepy.  I hope that this will change soon.

So nobody worries

I may not be posting as much for the next few days.  I'm trying to fill out an involved medical history form for disability as well as completing my taxes.  I can only do so long and I get frustrated, so the blog may be written (plus it's how I keep my promise to be journaling to Dr. Mind) but it may not be much for a few more days.  Not sure what else my disability form involves but this seems to be a major form.  I also have a week to print out a bunch of supplemental information for them and gather copies of many things.  The taxes are more or less done except that I have to take all the massive amounts of medical information and divide them into categories. It is not an easy or fun process.  At least I have learned over the years how to do it more efficiently.

So anyway, don't worry.  The worst thing happening here is that when I was getting ready to go to sleep last night I rolled over, yanking on my weighted blanket, lost my balance and crashed to my stomach, punching myself hard in the nose.  So I have a puffy nose now.  It's a great look.  And not at all a stupid way to get hurt.:)

Really though, I am feeling a little more focused right now and less upset.  I got a lot of sleep today which helps.  I'm sure the shock and anger and tears will return but being rested makes this so much easier.

Sometimes it is the dumbest stuff that is hardest.  I need to see my scrubs to consignment or on ebay.  I will keep a few since eventually I'm allowed to work a little bit on social security.  But for now there is no point on hanging on to so many and yet saying goodbye is hard.  I guess it's like the stethoscope, a reminder of the huge, unwanted changes.

Cute story

I had an awesome day with my niece, something so busy I finally just slept 4 hours and hopefully will be back to sleep pretty soon.  We had so much fun and she was perfectly behaved.  Once at the library she tried to run off and just as I said her name she fell.  This woman looked at me like "great, now she'll cry".  Anne just looked up and said "fell" and moved on.  She's finally old enough that I could say on the way into the mall "if you want to walk you have to hold my hand.  If you don't we'll have to get the stroller".  I never had to repeat that.  We also went on her first train ride.  It's pretty neat, the train drives around the mall.  She loved it and even better they gave her a stamped ticket.  She held onto that thing until finally it blocked what she wanted to do and then later I gave it back and she kept saying "ticket, ticket" and half the time that was in awe. I'd gotten a drink and some french fries for a few minutes snack after the play area was too full of kids too much older and rougher than she is.  The parents tried but 3 year olds would just go around or over her while she climbed.  So we just left.  My sister called while we were having our snack and was on her way to meet us.  Anne became insistent that Mommy was coming and would sit right THERE.  So I called and mommy came and took her seat which thrilled Anne.

The best though is this message from facebook:  Anne's  last words before sleep tonight were "Fun! Fun!" I think she had a good day.

 Me too and I needed it so, so badly.  Things really feel less crummy finally.  And I fell asleep about 8:30 and hopefully will get back to sleep pretty soon.  That sleep felt so good.

Wonder how this will go over?

I was up until 5 AM this morning because I am so overwhelmed and feeling I need to do this and this and this and this.  When I saw Dr. Mind I tried to get out of the class I'm taking because I don't feel up to it and would get more out of it next time it is run.  He basically said I could either reduce visits with him and go or I could continue the multiple visits and go.  I am in no way ready to not see him as much.  So I'm going.  But then I took my car for an oil change.  It's a long story but someone did massive damage to the thing that lets the oil drain.  I knew this and had requested the part yesterday but they sent the wrong on.  My car has been making a noise that turns out to mean "you're running out of oil idiot".  I did check that and it was fine a few weeks ago but I very nearly ruined my engine.  So then they had to call around for the part and drove to the next city to get it and then that was wrong so they had to drive back to the other city and back again (with traffic issues), and then it took 2 men trying as hard as they could to get the broken thing out.  They thought they were going to have to replace the entire oil pan.  So my quick oil change turned into 3.5 hours and so I missed class because of car problems.  That will go over well with Dr. Mind I'm sure.

He said I look terrified.  Sounds about right.  Things are moving along and that's good.  I have a meeting with social security on 2/6 which is apparently the next step of the application.  I have other appointments to make but they are waiting for Monday.  We are both waiting to hear from Dr. Brain.  She tried to call him after I left the other day but he was with the next person.  I see her next weekend and I think Dr. Mind is going to see if she can call him at home (which is not something he ever does, he is trying soooo hard to help) during that visit so we can all know what everyone else is saying/thinking.  Which is likely to mean they talk, I cry.  For someone who was terrified of crying days ago I cry a lot now.  Apparently this is stage one in the really fun grieving process that I'm probably going to go through.  And now that my depression is back to severe I'm on an even higher level of monitoring.  It's so much fun.

I got a whole new perspective today that helps immensely.  I said something about being concerned that social security will say that since I worked for 11 years I should be able to do so.  Dr. Mind pointed out that I have worked and repeatedly needed long periods of time off work and I have not held down jobs for very long at all.  And the reality is that in 11 years I have been off more than a year on disability over time and I've had 7 different jobs, and twice I was fired.  So not such a great work history.

And now I have to find something to eat (everything sounds unappetizing except grapefruit so that's the choice I guess) and work hard on getting to sleep since I have to leave about 8 to babysit and lately I've barely been asleep at 8.

Also, I'm sorry because I'm fairly sure this is just plain whiny.  I'm tired and cold and crying and it's not working well.

Stolen from Facebook

I really needed to see this today.  About 75% of the first column has crossed my mind today.  Too many way too hard decisions.  At the moment I think I am going to be packing my life into storage and moving in with my mom.  We can convert her upstairs to an area for me so I'll have a living room and bedroom and another area. That lets this house be put in order for sale quickly and hopefully it will sell fast.  Then she'll buy a home that I'll pay the mortgage on.  There are huge downsides to this emotionally but ultimately it eliminates so much money.  I have some checking to do on the effect on my eligibility for some benefits if I am not living alone since it could in theory raise bills by having another income in the household.  But her income isn't mine so I have to check on that.  It's tricky because I have a tax refund coming.  That refund will pretty much be my last money until things are better.  And yet it means delaying some things until that money has disappeared in the credit card void.  I don't know.  It is just a lot and it is happening so fast.

I also must say that a blog is an amazing invention.  I had to fill out some incredibly detailed medical forms from the time when I had whooping cough and was seeing the dr. constantly and was on and off many, many meds in a few weeks.  I also had to give dates of visits.  The blog provided all of that nicely.

Anyway, I forgot about clothes that need dried and then I need to start figuring out how I'm going to sleep.  I've asked for more meds because sleep is torture but so far I haven't heard anything from Dr. Brain.  Dr. Mind called me today to give me some information and I think to check on me and he said he hadn't heard either.  That part is really weird because if he calls and says "This is Dr. Mind (as opposed to First Name Mind) and I am urgently calling about a mutual patient, she'll know who" that's typically their code for Jen has a big problem.  And her email isn't set on not available.  So beats me.  Perhaps she figures it can all wait until I see her next week.

As I said before, don't worry if you don't hear from me.  Two big days.

Don't wanna talk about it

I'm not going to write about the stressful stuff today.  I just can't.  I haven't even eaten much today because I'm so upset.  I have a request in for more meds.

I am mostly posting to say if you've had trouble commenting this is a known issue without a solution yet.  If you use Google Chrome it won't happen.  I changed my comment format to a new window and that should help too.

I may be quiet the next few days.  Please don't worry.  Tomorrow is errands, Dr. Mind, oil change, kill time, class, home late.  Friday is up early and down to where my sister works, babysitting, supper with my mom.  Since I'm not sleeping well at all I figure this will wear me out pretty thoroughly.  I hope.

I will be back soon and I'll talk about "it" soon too.  Today I have just done too much of it.

Well then

Obviously this wasn't the best day of my life.   I've done several things like contact disability attorneys, look into some ways to help my budget, and painfully talked to my mother.  She was actually wonderful.  We're going to see how some things work out, but I think she's going to work another year and support me.  I am confused as to whether she was aware of the amount needed to keep things going and how long the wait is.  I believe she said she can manage the whole thing until I have income again.  I hate that she won't retire but she said that she honestly has felt quite uneasy about doing so and that one more year working is not going to kill her.  It still makes me very sad, but without her help I'm facing bankruptcy.  If she isn't able to help as much as I think she did then I'll file for bankruptcy just with credit cards.  I applied for 2 more cards last night while I still have an income (technically) and hope that I can spread some debt out that way.  We talked about selling my house cheap and getting out but I won't be able to buy another for years if ever and giving up the earned equity at this point in my life doesn't seem wise.  We talked about my mother possibly buying the house and renting to me, or she will assume part ownership of the house.  I don't really want to stay here but I also think that it is better to refinance and stay put.  More than anything I do not want to wind up renting.  I absolutely hated it before, I was constantly stressed about damage and exceeding pet limits and noise from everyone around me and now it would be even a bigger issue with all the things that cause asthma.  I truly think this is not the time to move.  My mom isn't going to agree to that but the bottom line comes down to I am not well enough to maintain the house in viewing shape.  The other option would be living with my mom until the house sold with my things in storage but that does not sound good at all.

I also did some reading on the social security website and I think I am going to do the first filing without a lawyer.  75% of claims are denied initially and at that point I'll seek help but the first stage is pretty easy and honestly would require me to do the hardest parts anyway.  I do have a few things to clarify with social security tomorrow but if I am reading correctly I can do this first part myself and that makes me feel better.  If I would get through in the first round that would save me 25% of the back-pay they give and if it's for the easy part that I can do myself I'd rather keep that.

I can't seem to settle down, but it has been 2 tough days and I'm just glad that I feel a little control.  I hate that my mother is doing this but am so thankful she can.  I'm doing everything I can to cut costs, like cutting my cell service to the minimum, hopefully my telephone/dsl as well (I wish I didn't have to have a landline but  DSL is my only real internet choice).  I am hoping to find a way to lower my car insurance a bit without running 50 credit checks and then finding out lower auto means insane homeowners with a lot of these places.

Anyway, I just yawned.  I hope that means sleep is coming pretty soon.  It is a bit hard to just relax at the moment.

We'll start with the rainbow

As I've said very often when something hard happens there is a rainbow.  Today there was a gorgeous, all the way across the sky, brightly colored rainbow for 5 miles or so of my drive.

That rainbow came immediately after I was notified that because of a hidden pre-existing clause on long-term disability I am unlikely to get those benefits. I cannot work at this time. For what I read it is quite unlikely.  Right now it looks like I will need to file for SSDI, may well face bankruptcy, and today I got my last check.  I do have a very large tax return coming and that will get me through a few months.  For the most part I am facing some really big problems.

Dr. Mind called Dr. Brain while I was there; if they've connected it has been since I left.  I have cried until my eyes feel like popping out.  Somehow I need to go make some supper.  I didn't eat lunch because the horror of that letter made me forget that I needed to stop.

That rainbow needs to come through for me.  I truly thought this was all addressed.  I feel sick with horror.