I saw Dr. Mind today and got rid of the guilt I've been feeling, I think because I didn't know what else to feel. This time I asked some questions about various things. Each time I see him he is preparing me that my brother probably either was sexually abused or was exposed to sexual abuse as a child in some way. I have trouble accepting this; I'm not really sure why yet. Actually I do know part of it; at this stage anything that makes him look less guilty is going to be brought out in court. And so with a family with a history of sexual abuse as rich as ours he'd be stupid to not claim it. And if I have to hear that I would like to trust it. Yet I am not going to trust many things presented as evidence that is supposed to make him less guilty. I can think of other things that they might as well bring up; he was in a severe car accident when he was a teenager. So although he had no head injury that doesn't stop them from implying that he did. Who'd know? In trying to save him everything will be used and while I know that is the way it works it bothers me when it isn't something that is known before the need for excuses began.
I especially have trouble with the sexual abuse thing. Partly I think this is because he never spoke up about it if it happened. I know people don't always remember or choose to share but I also know the conversations we've had where he specifically denied it. I know this doesn't mean it didn't happen. In our family it was more likely than not. But mostly it is because I know that it happened to me and so I got help. Lots of it. And when just talking didn't work I did intensive PTSD treatment. When the usual 12 weeks of one session per week turned into 36 weeks of 2 sessions per week because it was so hard for me I still did it. And I did it because I couldn't function as an adult without that treatment. No matter what happens to you, once you are an adult you are responsible for dealing with it. I don't know if I would have bipolar if nothing bad had ever happened to me. But because something did probably contribute to it that doesn't mean I am not responsible for how i handle my bipolar. I can't not take meds or see my doctors and then says it isn't my fault because I was abused. If you don't take responsibility for yourself because of something that happened in the past and then you choose to behave in ways that are harmful to children then it is hard for me to find sympathy for you, even when you are someone I love and when I know a great deal about what abuse you may have faced.
Naturally once the trial part of this comes I can't have these opinions. Chances are good that this kind of thing might make a difference between a relatively short jail sentence (say 10 years) and a much longer one that would be essentially life for my brother (20 plus years would make him pretty old before he was released).
This is why I'm asking Dr. Mind questions about the trial now when it is pretty distant. I think it will be many months or even a year or two away. Normally in these cases (please know I'm usinig "these cases" so that I don't have to type words that might attract people I don't want around here) they come with a search warrant and take your computers, drives, etc. They search for paper copies, etc. But you are usually not arrested for several months or sometimes a year or more while they search your computers and go through your things. I think my brother angered the task force. He eluded capture for a long time that he was on their radar. And I think that in a bid for exacting extra punishment they did things a completely different way. He was arrested when they came with the search warrant. Only one computer was taken. He was arrested on municipal charges then when he was arraigned they dropped those charges and leaked it to the press. So at this point my brother is not charged with anything at all but the media has gotten his picture around as well as his name, he lost his job, etc. They say he'll be indicted by a grand jury but if his computer takes the usual months to analyze (they go through all files and then retrieve all deleted files as well and then they have to organize it into how he is charged) then he will have lost months of his life sitting there waiting. It's a sort of legal torture I think. And while I do not feel sorry for him because he caused this I do feel bad for him living a very restricted life for potentially a very long time while all he can do is wait, even though he isn't even charged with anything. Innocent until proven guilty and all that.
Anyway, I started writing this last night and then my ankle gave out once again and I fell down the stairs and never got back to it. I have lots more to say but since I think I may have broken something (it feels like it crunches when I step down unless my brace is on which will be all the time until I see the orthopedist the week) and this series of injuries is proving that I need to be very careful and limited in what I do until it is fixed, which gives me lots of time to think. Just what I needed............