Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Yesterday (words menstrual and blood used)

I forgot to write about seeing Dr. Sweetheart.  She remains that.   She was very honest.  Statistically it is extremely rare to have a psychiatric reaction to Mirena.  However I tend to be an anomaly with medications and the Mirena is not tested for bipolar disorder.  She also feels with the severity of the symptoms we need to be cautious.  She told me that usually she has a hunch and this time she didn't.  After much thought I decided to remove it and we did that yesterday.  What a bizarre feeling.  As the thing comes out it flattens and is not a big deal but it is so weird to feel the top of your cervix followed by the bottom of your cervix.  I've personally never felt my cervix as an internal organ participating in my life before.  Otherwise a few cramps and not a big deal at all.

From here one of these things will happen before I go back in 6 months:

  • My mood will improve and be obviously related to the loss of the Mirena.  I will have some level of moderate bleeding that is manageable.
  • My mood will improve and be obviously related to the loss of the Mirena.  I will resume the heavy bleeding.  We will discuss either a hysterectomy or endometrial ablation, more than likely hysterectomy for a few reasons.
  • My mood won't change and my bleeding won't change.  We'll hope to make it through menopause.
  • My mood won't change and the bleeding will increased.  A new Mirena would probably be placed
She thinks there is at least hope that the bleeding will be ok because I did have the D&C last year.  But I've had 6 months of funky, not typical for the Mirena periods so hard to know.  In ways I kind of hope that it is the hysterectomy path.  If this is early menopause I'm facing a lot longer with heavy bleeding and since menopause can be a rough time with bipolar (like as in I may be hard to stabilize until that is over) and if we can remove the bleeding factor I suspect it will be easier.  On the other hand surgery is scary after the last time.  I also don't know for sure but it sounds like this would be more than laparascopic.  But I'm not sure. So we'll see.  6 months of who knows what?   This sounds surprisingly like the last 2 years of menstrual "cycles".

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


I emailed Michal using words like hilarious.  Today was not hilarious.  This one thing is sort of, but today should be enclosed in other labels.  The funny thing was that I've mentioned before that I have developed the ability to listen to one and only one musical group, Selah.  Well, Tuesday when I saw Dr. Mind and was waiting a song that was by one of the Selah artists independently.  Today it was Selah.  The radio in there is Sirius so it picks up a lot and usually by late afternoon someone has moved it off Christian but the last 2 days were apparently for me.

The uh-oh........All that writing I did last week was read aloud by me today.  And the same thing that I had noticed in last week's taping, and also in how I felt writing; I can't feel anything about this stufff.  So I am supposed to find out if I can read a smaller portion with some emotion or some some sign that I am in touch with my feelings.  If I can't then Monday Dr. Mind will record it while I listen.  I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with emotion.  I do not feel any.  I know that I should and I know where particularly I should.  I also know that Dr. Mind reading it going to hurt.  Yet I have a feeling this is what I need and I'm not going to push too hard to do what I'm pretty certain I can't, reading it with connecting to it.  I can't stand the thought of connecting to it, therefore I don't think it's likely to happen.  And hearing Dr. Mind read it sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.  Which is probably why that's the better way to do this.  I just don't feel anything about this.  I don't know that I have ever felt much which I why I'm not seeing it happening in the next 3 days.  The hardest part of this treatment (as of today since I change my mind on that a lot) is that rarely is anyone asking "what do you want Jen?".  Instead it follows steps that can be altered, but I get few outs.  If I get too upset or something and do badly this weekend then I will maybe get one sympathy day (when I will get no sympathy) but ultimately I will be dealing with this.

I made an appointment with another therapist for the week Dr. Mind is on vacation at the end of this week.  I have never actually gone to one of these but this time I probably will.go this time.  I asked him if we can make sure I'm feeling safe enough before he goes.  He interpreted that as my saying I feel abandoned.  Ha, I want him to go so I get the week without this being so rough.  I just don't want to be left panicky and struggling and have no options to call in for help.  So I guess he already talked to the person who I'm going to see and oh, I bet she's adjusting her rate to what he does 'cause I know he was worried about that.  The weird thing is that I was originally referred to her when my first therapist left.  I wasn't sure she was going to be a good match so we added meet-n-greets with her and Dr. Mind.  I saw Dr. Mind first and left feeling he was a good match and that I didn't want to even try the other person.   And now she'll be my glue for a few days.

Anyway, I lost track of time and really need to eat something.  So more later.  I with either be frustrated by my lack of emotions or I will be crumbling.  (the reason to NOT DO THIS except nobody cares, which is an exagerration.  I can say stop.  But that's not what I need, it's just what I need is so hard.  I closed those feelings off 30 years or more ago.

I am so tired.   That was harder than I thought it would be.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

No title today

I have inexplicably become grouchy this evening.  I think it's just stress about tomorrow and also, I wrote all that and I'm very proud of myself.  But learning to handle it is going to be rough.  I didn't realize how rough until my support group changing days totally threw me for a loop.  No reason, I just don't want change.  I think I may opt out of group for a few more weeks until this is under control as I'm a little afraid of my reaction.  This is the hardest stuff I can remember and I suspect it will be an hour and a half of listening pleasure daily.  And there are some rough questions to ask Dr. Mind.  Based on the other things we've done Thursday will be the beginning of some heavy insomnia.  I've asked, sort of and will more clearly, for help not handling this in robot mode.  I need to cry even though I don't want to.  That's one thing that I've noticed about  this; I have mostly kept my feelings blocked off.  I have to be careful how I say that because saying I'm numb is a key word to Dr. Mind that I'm in trouble.

On the other hand it was fun to see how happy Dr. Mind was today.  My forgetting that I had listened and erased was labeled one of the best things I've ever said.  He also noted my laughing a few times.  It was a good session.   It was a session we needed.  Now comes the hard part.

Please know that it is likely I'm REALLY going to struggle in the next couple weeks.  I feel ready to do  this but I know  that there will be an enormous cost for a while.  Then eventually it pays off.  But because with less volatile, half as long "stories" I've had trouble this is going to be tough.

But first I have to get through tomorrow.  Dr. Mind was shocked that I was calm about this, but Dr. Sweetheart has done like 9 pelvics on me in the last year, she knows how to help with vaginissmus  (I can't spell that condition and don't care to--means my body fights anything going in with painful muscle spasms.  Most doctors miss it.  Mine certainly did and then she found it in about 2 seconds and as long as she helps and everyone talks normally I'm fine. But I will be glad to be done with it.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Last week my family doctor told me the med he'd give me for my headaches but I needed to find out where to send it since drug costs vary wildly from pharmacy to pharmacy.  (Seriously, I got klonopin at 33% of other stores).  I sent it to him but he went on vacation and missed it.  So his partner answered today that if I told her what script she'd send it in.  I had mentioned to Dr. Body in the email that I am going to see about if the Mirena is helping or hurting and that it may come out tomorrow and I'd find out if it was able to cause headaches as well.  Since we don't know and they seem to be tension headaches that are just ugly but that's a guess I'm trying everything--eye exam, I'll take to Dr. Sweetheart, etc.  Since they are receding somewhat since my 4 days of painful writing this weekend I'm going to stress but probably will fill the script since I am on a temporary hiatus (to allow me to see the gynecologist without flaring my PTSD horribly in therapy today which would have happened if we'd followed the plan, but after we start talking a few rough weeks are ahead.  I referred to potential other issues.  I mostly meant that there's nothing to replace it with and if I bleed heavily then we're going to be aimed at a hysterectomy.  And no surgery is the game plan for life, although realistically I suspect I'll have a hysterectomy eventually.  Anyway, the other doctor was so nice, explaining the Mirena comes out easily.  She probably thinks the insertion hurt.  She has no idea that the thing went in when I was unconscious and that my body is highly annoyed by anything that is supposed to go inside.  The thing has strings and my were cut longer to make removal easier but it will take all my focus to get through that.  It was nice of her to try to help though.

My chart should just be labeled "it's not normal".  She was probably confused because I had made a joke about the lowered blood pressure side effect meaning I could eat more cheese.  Dr. Body would get it with the MAOI but I bet she was thoroughly confused by that statement.

Dr. Mind was really pleased that I got through so much stuff and am still ok.  It will get harder Thursday when we work on it, but for today it was good.  We also laughed hard because I was supposed to listen to story one once more, then I could delete it.  Yesterday I found it was gone.  I couldn't think how except that I must have accidentally deleted it.  Then suddenly I said "no, wait, I listened and then I deleted and I FORGOT".  So clearly that wasn't too traumatic.

I'm glad to have had this bit timed as it has been.  Dr. Mind told me to take Thursday off, then I have 4 days of nothing but writing, then a few days to recover from that, and then Thursday the hard stuff starts.  Those days I was writing were a lot of work and I wrote very late into the night sometimes but having those days devoted to it and a break before the next pain starts helped a lot.  I think I'll point that out to Dr. Mind as I'm the first one he's doing this with and part of what is hard with this is the treatment is intense, every day, and as soon as you reach a little easier it gets a lot harder again.  But I'm much more ready to face the horribly painful part now than I was before.

Now I just have to deal with the gynecologist thing.  I trust her so much I'm not really worried, I just want it over and for there to be a good answer like it is ok to have way more bleeding than I should with the mirena in.  I don't want it out  because of fear, yet I know the hormones may be part of my problem.  As Dr. Mind said when I said that the thing about the "usual" results is that they aren't tested on people with bipolar who are more sensitive to hormones.  He pointed out that in my case things would need to be tested specifically for ME based on my many med reactions.

I am so tired.  I'm considering this a good sign that I'll get decent sleep before my trip to Dr. Sweetheart tomorrow.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Monday, May 28, 2012

Writing done

I haven't slept until 5 or 6 AM in days, I've written late into the night as things had to come out NOW, and it's 10 pages long, but the sexual abuse saga is done without too many words that I don't want to say but even I know I need to.

I don't want to jump into it tomorrow because I have a gynecologist appointment Wednesday that will got thbetter if I'm not extremely upset, but it is done.  It will be a huge chunk of my life for a while, but the worst part is getting it out and that is done.

We'll see what Dr Mind says.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Saturday, May 26, 2012


 I am living with a lot of them.  Some of them are really ugly.  For perspective I am focusing on a hat I made yesterday.  It fits loosely on my index and m iddle fingers and doesn't completely cover the fingers.  It is an early loss hat and someday someone will be handed the body of their premature, ill from conception, baby wearing that hat.  I always pray for the families of each baby who gets a hat as I finish the hat, but these tiny ones are the saddest thing ever.

Having said that, what I am writing is very hard.  New memories, things make sense finally, the resultis of something that happened.  All of it is sad and hard to think about.  It's also hard to make it readable instead of the list I prefer.  But I DO need to say these words so they need to be written.  I'm hoping tonight they don't have to be written at 2 AM.

Michal is right, I did apparently stop writing mid-sentence yesterday.  In reality it is something my computer does.  It is getting old and weird and it will randomly delete things or move my cursor someplace new.   On email it frequently just closes my draft.  That story was just that the financial services person made things so much easier.  I had sent my renewal (every 3 months) for financial assistance in  weeks ago but found out a few days ago it was denied on the basis of my having insurance.  I was supposed to reapply and had to print out something to complete the application when they called.  She took all the information over the phone and when I got to the dr. this week I have to simply ask to see the financial person so I can sign it.  I'm already approved now for my next 3 months.  This was my first approval after getting SSDI so I'm glad that it was still 100%.

Otherwise I don't even know what I did today.  My mind is really working hard.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Friday, May 25, 2012

This weekend

Please note:  If you are here to attack me this is a nice, vulnerable post.  I have visions of all the names that go with using financial assistance programs being thrown at me.  So, before you even read this, yes I am a freeloader and make things more expensive for people who are better than I because they can work.  And then I'm going to ask you to email me at masterofirony@att.net with those comments so I can handle the sexual abuse things I must deal with right now.  If you want to know more about that, tough and negative comments can go to the same addresss.  Positive comments welcomed as usual. Thank you.

This morning I woke up with the kind of nausea that says "roll over and you will pay".  Amazingly I rested and stuck to bland food and I seem to be ok. I don't know if I ate something, won in a viral battle or if it was stress getting really ugly.

So here's the agenda for the weekend (and why I may not be here a ton):  I need to get to my mom's to help with something but it depends on temperatures dropping in evenings.  I'm writing PTSD story 3, and it's not  easy.  Pretty much I chose to cram vast amounts of discussion about sexual abuse into one story.  I've had more fun.  I did write some of this for another project so a lot is expanding on things and adding more details.  I may not even do this Monday; I have a gynecologist appointment on Wednesday and increasing the PTSD may not be ideal.  We'll see.  I've let Dr. Mind decide since I have 2 opinions.

I am hoping that Dr. Body got my script called in.  He is going on vacation tomorrow and had asked me where I wanted it to get since I have to call around for pricing on things that aren't long-term or on $4 lists.  I emailed as soon as I could yesterday but when I called this afternoon he hadn't called the script in.  So either he's done it quite late or I'm waiting until Tuesday or later to get .pain relief for the headaches.

I'm experimenting with something with my baby hats.  Therefore I have 2 Cabbage Patch dolls wearing the hits I knit.  We'll see if this affects their shaping.

One of my greatest worries seem to have been alleviated.  I had 20 more years of student loan payments that were quite high.  Thankfully I was down to only my federal loans since private ones have no clause to help in my situation.  Federal loans have a discharge process if you are totally and permanently disabled (my favorite phrase).  Apparently this is only rarely given and then it is usually people who are terminally ill.  Today I  checked the webpage and I have been moved to the monitoring period.  That means that I've been approved for discharge but am in the 3 years that they make sure I make almost nothing beyond my SSDI income.  It appears I may owe them one payment but hopefully I'll be able to divide that up or something.

I also had a nice experience with the financial assistance people at Cleveland Clinic.  Again.  They have been wonderful.  This time they called to make sure I'd been told of the program when no insurance showed up on their building.  I had actually re-applied (has to be done every 3 months) and

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Thursday, May 24, 2012


Michal passed her massage boards and is now officially something I can't spell!!!! She also is not dead as they were concerned during the security screening that sounds like it was 1 inch from the airport wand thing.

I think I passed story 2 in PTSD land and i only have to do this 6 more weeks.  (I'm not sure that's enough but still, 6 weeks til a break).  AND Dr. Body found a medication I can take to help my headaches.

So yay all around!

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

What's coming

I think I mentioned that this new story contains the first detailed sexual abuse story.  What I didn't say was that I'm now saying things that I've never said before.  I've written them, shared parts of them, but I've never told these stories aloud.

I expressed concern that the memories might not even be real, but Dr. Mind pointed out that I had no way to know this stuff without experiencing it.  I thought about that a lot today.  It's true.  Plus I'm sure of what I  remember and know at least 2 more victims with similar stories.

We didn't get into much of that today.  I'm glad.  I was so afraid of it.  We did talk about my sleeplessness and he thinks this may be just the same way my body tends to react to anything:  excessively.  Makes sense and a benefit of not working is I can sleep some during the day.  Hopefully tonight will be better.

I did realize though that this entire current story and most especially the sexual abuse parts I handle robotically. I don't feel much of anything saying that.  I think I turn off my feelings to handle it.  But I don't think I've ever really cried for what happened to that scared little girl.

To top this off next week I go for an appointment that I am afraid is going to mean deciding between removing the Mirena to see if the hormones are at fault and knowing the crazy bleeding could return or keeping it, knowing it may have negative effects and that it's not working overly well.  The problem is that it's a slippery slope from here with hysterectomy somewhere down that line.  We need to postpone that as long as possible because surgery is not good for me.  I don't care about the actual procedure but I'm supposed to avoid anesthesia as much as possible.  I hope she has some better ideas.

Anyway, I have no idea what the emotional effects here are going to be.  If I'm not writing it's just sleeping or feeling emotional for the next few days.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Bad, bad panic attack

I did my usual counseling homework, except the was the first time with 45 minutes of this particular story.  The reaction should last about 4 hours.  I am 12 hours out from it and still completely on edge and actually am trying to manage a bad panic attack, one different than my usual.  This one started with suddenly getting very hot, the pouring sweat, then the panicky feeling I can't stop, shallow breathing that I am now  trying very hard to slow, and my heartrate went up to 120.  And my head still is pounding.  I decided that I was done and took an extra klonopin.  I know it isn't good but I'm at 3 times the time I should be agitated and having a bad panic  a kattack on top of the muscle pain and headache.  And that it is after 3 AM.  I have an email to Dr.  Body about a muscle relaxant since he said that would be the next thing to try.  And I'll see what Dr. Brain has to say although it's unlikely she'd say much before I see Dr. Mind next.  I want to know if the agitation has lasted say 8 hours if
klonopin will do much damage since it would leave my system before my next round with the to balance topic.

I don't know.  I just want to figure out whether I really can sleep (per one side of me that is responding to klonopin), if a shower would help (what I kind of want) or if my brain is right and there is no way I'm sleeping when this agitated.

This is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it......
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Real world

As is obvious, I spend a lot of time online.  While I am so limited in what I can do it keeps me busy.  I also am naturally curious and like to search, both for new information and for connections between things (ie, reading about A leads to reading about B, etc).  Today that wound up feeling like a punch to the gut.

And the worst of it is that I'm not going to tell you about it.  I don't want people I know to have been everything I thought they were to get more attention from that.  To keep it simple, let's just say I met Michal on a certain website that was related to an internet scam that we both were hurt by.  This website was allegedly finding all kinds of crazy proof from EVERYWHERE on the internet showing just how badly scammed we'd all been.  It was fascinating and I'll admit to just trusting that the writer was honest.  Then something happened (absolutely craziness in fact) and boom, the blog closed.  It seemed rational then.

Today I found out the person who was so dedicated to this project is a scammer herself.  In fact, certain parts of her personal history sound a great deal like things she said about the scammer she "investigated".  Scammer #1 was guilty.  She admitted this.  Scammer #2 may have made a lot of people believe things about scammer #1 that weren't true or fair.

Sometimes I want to run from all blogs.  Then I realize I'm a blogger.  I'm getting really close to refusing to read any blog with ads or any blog about someone with medical needs who is asking for money.  Yet that isn't fair either.  When I lost my income Julia offered to put up a button for me.  I declined but because I even thought of it I can't really avoid those blogs.  I'm just tired of the whole thing.  In recent weeks I've been plagarized, been linked by a porn site, found a blog using mine for clicks leading a whole page of advertising by allegedly saying this is a "top blog", had someone nastily go after people on SSDI, had someone leave several very nasty comments, and had another incident that I want to keep quiet.  I won't quit, because the blog helps so much, but I'm really starting to want more control over who is here.

the internet is creepy.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

About that rainbow

I hadn't really meant to talk about this yet because I don't know that I will continue to succeed, but I bought The Story for my Nook.  (For those who don't know basically this is a book that was created by simplifying   the NIV Bible into what is pretty much a series of flowing stories.  The words of the NIV are used, but only parts are highlighted by inclusion in the book and (I've finally discovered) for me the whole thing is much easier because it is isn't on thin paper that rattles; there are not numbers and lots of footnotes making the text appear to be visually overwhelming.

Anyway, I'm not very far along.  I just finished Noah, which you can probably tell is a favorite story.  (I ever named my cat Noah).  But it never occurred to me that this last year has been a Noah year.  God has wiped my slate clean.  The rain is still falling and there's a lot of praying not to drown with PTSD treatment.  But somehow knowing that this isn't the first time God has announced enough, time to start over is helpful.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Friday, May 18, 2012

About that new job

During my working years I always started a new job blissfully believing that if the first 3 or 4 weeks were 8 hour days that I would actually WORK 8 hour days.  That was one reason I took the job with the traveling company; overtime rates were so enormous that I was assured nobody would pay them.  I had 2 different placements in 15 months.  Guess how many of them approved many hours of overtime due to lack of staffing?  That would be 2.

So this PTSD treatment started with the mention that there may be some temporary anxiety/panic attacks, etc. after sessions or homework but my body has to learn to not be so intensely affected by this.  Then I was told that I needed to avoid benzos.  My nighttime klonopin is not touched since without it I do not sleep.  And I'm supposed to experiment with an antihistamine that may not work but may be something.  Then we increased the time I spend on it per day.  The anxiety got harder to handle, the headaches started and I had muscle pain.  I used extra benzos for a few days (with permission) and then the muscles were better the headache   wasn't, then the strep was found, and when the headaches continued the assumption is I'm grinding my teeth. Since it's easy to see this in my mouth and my teeth hurt, that's easy.  But the best treatment besides my mouth guard?  Klonopin....sigh.

Today I recorded the new stort and put in 45 minutes listening to it.  Since this one includes more specific discussions than I've ever shared with anyone there are things I do not want to say and now that it's recorded I don't have to do more than listen to it over and over, but I feel like we need a side project practicing saying these words.  Because saying them/hearing them really agitates me and I do not settle quickly.  At the same time that I am agitated my body tends to want to sleep.  It doesn't work.

So this is turning out to be really difficult.  I'm sure after another session or two I'll feel a little less agitated especially after I get a chance to tell Dr. Mind that my mother is coming the same day I become a ballerina---never.  He's talking about dragging her into a session so I can tell her how mad I am.  I think not and that has more more upset than anything.

But it is working.  Which is the only reason it's ok to keep doing it.  For the most part things are going to get harder over time since what I had to say yesterday will be topped by other phrases.

However, I have this funny feeling that my "new job" is about to take over more than the expected amount of time.  I probably will wind up going to 90 minutes per day on the homework, which is to be consecutive and I'm not allowed to do more that fidgety things while listening.

But it's working.  I keep repeating this through nightmares, terrible spells of anxiety (right now), times I want to cry and seem to have shut that function off, and random emotions that come along every so often.  However it is so hard that I am actually looking forward to Dr. Mind's vacation, especially since I'll need to be in a manageable place when he is going so I should get a break around then.

He says I'm doing well, that he knows this is the hardest I've ever had to work in therapy (and it's not like I've not worked in the past), but that doesn't mean he's not going to keep making me say words I don't wnat to say.

My cat is going to get strangled if I don't go feed for the 18th time today so I've got to go before my anxiety turned into random yelling.

bye.  (The cat is fine).

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Thursday, May 17, 2012

My new job

Dr. Brain expressed some concern that I might feel like I have nothing in my life, no purpose, whatever.  I gave her the answer that has come to feel real to me in the last couple weeks:  I am learning that right now I have exactly enough energy to do counseling twice a week plus the daily, now at least an hour, long homework sessions; go to my support group (sometimes); do basic lawn maintenance; and occasionally throw in something else.  I get very tired very easily and those things are all hard work. The hour of counseling homework easily because 2 or 3 hours because I spend a lot of time thinking and writing separately from the blog.  It's also emotionally really difficult because some of this is stuff I don't want to think about.  And I have to say it,no matter how bad it is, which can be a really terrible moment that takes a lot of time to sort out.  I also fight with my partial memories because I hate not knowing.

And of course there is the knitting.  I've not done much of that although I am tonight because I'm upset and trying to settle down.

But even though a year ago I wouldn't have thought this could be a full life, right now it is.  It helps to think of it all as a job because that feels more normal than thinking that I do a lot of driving for a lot of psychological help and then that's my life.  I can't say my full life is exactly the life I hoped for, but right now this is it and these relatively few activities are a lot.

It is a weird change of perspective.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The ants go marching one by one

When I was a camp counselor I knew what seemed like an infinite number of stupid songs.  I rapidly learned that the longer the song the longer the kids were occupied.  The ants go marching by became "Jen's song" because it was the one I was most likely to initiate.  It also unfortunately is a hard song to enjoy when sung repeatedly for months on end.  But right now my memories feel like ants that keep marching.

One of the things that this new therapy does is that I spend so much time focusing on one thing that things seem to pop out and either I know that we have something to talk about, or I know something in more context which makes the rest of the story understandable and so that Dr. Mind can coach me through his difficult series of questions.  It frustrates me at a times because of how memory works.  I have always remembered most of what happened, even things from when I was very tiny (this is why I keep coming back to tears when I watch Anne or think about the awesomely cute things she says.  When I was her age I had SECRETS.  She has no idea what a secret even is; I knew because someone threatened the knowledge into me.  I was so confused too; my reactions to my father or grandfather arriving were as excited as when I got out of my car and heard through an open window a little voice announcing "Aunt Jen's here!  Aunt Jen's here".  But all other similarities end there; I was never the carefree little thing she is.  And praise God for that.  But there are also many times that I am now confronted with new memories.  And those I know because I have a psych degree and this came up a lot during that, are not reliable.  They may or may not be true or they may be distortions of reality  Dr. Mind says it doesn't really matter if they are true, we just deal with the memory, make not hurt and move on.  Which makes sense since we certainly aren't going to find out.  Sometimes the new thing makes the rest make sense.  Once when Dr. Mind was first finding out the depth of what happened to me he was able to explain about something that made my memory make a lot more sense.  However if it is what happened (sorry to be so cryptic; blame the porn people) was what we guess based on the only difference in the experience being that I thought one thing was another nearly identical thing (sorry, that's hard to follow), then in that case the implications are a little frightening as it well, it just could have been, maybe even was worse than I remember.

But it is so hard when my increased sensitivity to memories is hitting out of the blue.  When I was at the dentist today I was supposed to be the last patient.  He came in and asked me wait a bit because he had a child with an injury from a fall coming in.  That poor little thing had hit her face hard enough to push her teeth up.  She was hysterical, they think in fear of the blood and he never got in there but sent her on to a pediatric dentist or specialist who could sedate her.  She screamed daddy so long and hard that it felt like the walls were shaking.   And suddenly there I am with one of my "always had" memories realizing it makes no sense. When I was 4 or 5 (pretty sure sure the summer I was 4 1/2) my memory tells me that my sister and I were playing fast food counter with the half-door on a camper.  In my memory I was too close when the door opened and was hit in the mouth.  My 2 bottom front teeth were loosened.  The dentist pushed them in the sockets the best he could, told my mom they'd just fall out early and I'd be fine.  I was about the first if not the first in kindergarten to lose 2 teeth and I think they came out soon after school started.  Again, never forgot this.  It's even in my baby book to some extent I think.

The problem?  It came back to me listen to that little girl scream in pain and terror that there's a flaw in my memory.  If I was 4 or 5 my sister was 1 or 2.  There is no way that we played that game at that age.  Later she may have opened that door into my face but that is not what happened to my teeth.  I have no idea although like with all these questionable memories there is a reasonable guess.  I mentioned my memory to my mom when telling her about the dental visit.  Dead silence, subject change.  So apparently someone knows.  And now I am stuck with the annoying feeling that I want to remember and that wanting means nothing because if I do remember that doesn't mean that it is even true.

I could continue with these new memories but I'm not going to because each time I start to say more I delete it.  But it is frustrating at best.  The truth is that my little girl years were so full of people telling me lies that I can't sort them out enough to know what really happened.

It also takes so much time.  I'm supposed to start a new "story" with Dr. Mind Thursday.But now, before that, I need to talk about this.

Good news in that my medical bills from the hospital are down from $30,000 to $800, none of which I am actually responsible for.  I don't even know what all the $30,000 includes since I'm sure my hospitalizations were more than that since I know my first psych stay 2 years ago was $15000 and I've had 2 of those, one of which was longer, plus the lithium toxicity which had an ER component and a bunch of labs, surgery and 24 hours inpatient with that, and what I remember as being an extremely expensive special kind of CT scan. I don't want to know.  I bet the last year has been at least $50000 if not more and that's not including meds or therapy or co-pays.

Anyway, I think my dryer load is done.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Who cares?

Here's an article that is about the sadness when you raise a sex offender and how difficult it is to live as a convicted and released sex offender.

I read it and I thought "I don't care."  I am sorry that those mothers have been through the pain they must feel.  A family member I was close to (not one who molested me) was convicted for molesting children and he lost everything. He left town and never came back except to sneak in to say goodbye to my grandmother when she was dying and I think once more to move my father far away from us.  I don't remember talking to him after the age of 9 and he was a huge part of my life.  I lost my closest and favorite playmate, his daughter, in this.

But there is nothing in place that sets apart sexual offenders that I feel sorry about.  Both men who molested me molested numerous other children.  My father was a TEACHER, molesting students.  

I understand that these offenders may be totally over their issues and that in those cases the monitoring and restrictions must feel terrible.  But most sex offenders will do it again.

For the mothers, I think  that it is important to be realistic:  You love your son.  You have many feelings about what happened.  You want to believe he's cured.  There's embarrassment and  fear and many other emotions, I'm sure.  Statistically, it is likely to happen again.  And the victims?  What they live with is many times worse than  the mother of the offender feels.

I guess the mothers are kind of victims too.   But I really don't need CNN shoving that at me.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Saturday, May 12, 2012


Today was LONG.  I went up to see Dr. Brain.  No real changes, she said I can see if I can tolerate an additional dose of antihistamine during the day if I need it to help cope with Dr. Mind's anxiety-inducing treatment.  He hadn't gotten in touch with her, probably because I wasn't in Thursday to remind him.  But the options are limited anyway.  I may take a tiny bit of Seroquel but I don't like that idea.  The stuff doesn't make me sleepy anymore but during the day could be a different thing entirely.  We'll see.

She confirmed that Seroquel is not working so well and that aside from an emergency this is wait and see time.

We talked about the Mirena and that I think it should come out but only if there aren't going to be consequences of extremely heavy bleeding.  Unless my gynecologist has some new idea there are limited options for dealing with extreme bleeding, the most likely probably being hysterectomy, which I am fine with (who wouldn't be after the last few years I've dealt with this).  However, that is surgery and we want to avoid surgery.  Once the Mirena is out it would require sedation/anesthesia to get it back because of my issues and until I'm insured that would not be an option.  So I don't know but at least we're on the same page and she and Dr. Sweetheart  can figure it out from there.

I then drove down to my mom's and played so hard with my niece.  I am totally exhausted but it was worth it.  I just don't expect to be doing much tomorrow.

have a good night
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Friday, May 11, 2012

Music twice in one year on THIS blog

I mentioned falling in love with a music group called Selah in recent weeks.  I listen a lot and I'm finding that I can learn something from most of their songs, which I listen to repeatedly thinking "THIS IS IT" and then I move to another.  I am learning many spiritual lessons this way.  One line that I love (paraphrased) is that there is nothing that is shattered that God can't/won't redeem.

But this is a very different song.  It is only one Selah member, Todd Smith, and it is his song in this big collaborative thing called The Story Project.  As I understand this it is a a lot of different artists singing songs that portray various Bible stories.  He is portraying Job's story and because he is someone is knows pain and loss far too well (he had a daughter born a few years ago with multiple medical issues that caused improper development.  They were told to expect her to gasp for air for about a minute and die.  Instead she lived 2 hours and was a beatiful little girl.  I think of her story when making the hats that go to babies in the same situation.  Mere weeks after his baby died his sister checked on her 3 month old son and found he had also died, from SIDS.)  When this song is performed you can tell how powerful the emotion is for him; his wife posted on her blog that this was the thing that really made him break down after grieving sporadically for several years.  You can hear he has been broken, in a way I don't this could be put on.  I've found a recording of it live but it leaves the beginning.  This version does have the power of including the words.  Please note the words that help me so much with the shame I feel about wanting to give up the gift of life:
Who else will see my suffering as one more opportunity
To educate; to help me see all my flawed theology
If one more well intentioned friend tries to tie up my loose ends
Hoping to, with rug and broom, sweep awkward moments from the room
But I, I can’t forget, I have begged just like a madman
For my chance to die and never have to face the morning

.  There is an INCREDIBLY powerful ending to this song.that you'll have to listen to hear.  I think when you listen you will understand some of the ways it appeals to me so strongly.  I really want to break out of the words that hurt so much and move on to that ending.

Pretty sure if you click on it will be be bigger.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Smell explained

I have neighbors who have yet to speak to me since I moved here, nearly 9 years ago.  Our interactions have been limited to the woman glaring at me when I told her dog to stop barking at me because I was in MY yard, and a few weeks ago she stared openly at me while I mowed my lawn for some time.  I don't know if she was staring at my allergy mask, or me, or what, but it was weird.  Oh, and once their presumed grandchildren threw a rock at my window and I yelled at them.

They also tend to be very rude.  There backyard is about 2 yards from my bedroom in some places.  But they have never been polite about proximity, and seem to prefer to use my side of their yard more than the other, distant from the next house, side.

I finally realized yesterday that first the smell was gone with the window closed and second it smelled like compost.  Today I opened the window and the smell returned.  And I've been waiting to feel wetll enoughto check out their yard when I overheard them (loudly as per usual) discussing their new garden (I wondered what this mound of dirt that looks like a grave was) and how it was going to be healthy and organic.  So I am going to assume that I'm smelling compost.  If I can prove this I may anonymously send them literature on  proper composting techniques and placement of composted material to prevent your neighbors from hating you.

I'm just so glad it is not ME.

I have other things to say but not enough energy to put them together well.  So  more to come.  Tomorrow is Dr. Brain and then we're having a mother's day picnic.  So very long day anticipated given the whole wiped out from strep thing.
 Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Thursday, May 10, 2012


My lithium level is fine.  So I'm just sick and am already feeling better. I skipped seeing Dr. Mind today, so he may have had a heart attack, but I was still contagious since I didn't start antibiotics until last night and just didn't feel good.   I slept most of the day.  I just couldn't get the energy to shower and go through an intense session plus drive 2 hours.  I think it was right although it's a long time to the next visit which is hard.  I do have Dr. Brain this week though so I guess that will make up something.

Anyway, strep throat is good news and I'm going to recover.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Wednesday, May 09, 2012


For 10 days I have had nearly constant headaches.  I kept trying to see the dr. and it didn't work until today.  I have several symptoms similar to my last lithium toxicity and we're waiting on labs (they said would be done last night.  Liar) but I needed checked out.  So he checked my throat and said that it was very red.  No pain.  He checked a few things and has other ideas for treatment if the strep throat  is separate from the headaches.   He said some kids get headaches and upset stomachs and nothing else; I am a kid now I guess.  But the only other time I've had strep I went in with an "earache" that he rapidly diagnosed as strep because of my gross throat.

If my lithium toxicity warnings are the same as my strep warnings life is going to be interesting.

I should've known I was sick.  The cat who is very sensitive to my being ill has been in contact with me most of the last few days.  I thought she'd just decided I was  the best owner ever because I have her dietary needs pinpointed perfectly right now.

I'm going to let myself sleep if I need to.  I had the dr. at 1:20 and then support group at 6:30.  I did  everything I could to kill time but just got so tired I decided it was best to just come home.  I've probably exposed half the world to strep in the last week and there's one medically fragile person in group that I don't want to expose a 2nd time.  So antibiotic #1 is in and I'm ready to rest for a long time.  I've been more tired, blamed it on therapy, and now I know it was this.  This I'll rest for; therapy is not the same.

Hoping for a peaceful evening on the blog....

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


I don't know what happened on that last post.  My guess is anonymous decided that wasn't fun anymore.  The
ugliness is gone and I can keep deleting I guess.  (I have other ways to find out who if I must).

Rachelle, was that your profile that was on the one post or is that another Rachelle.

What an interesting start to the day.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Maybe you can figure this out

First, if you have not seen the post before this, please scroll down.

Second, in my bedroom there is a weird smell.  I have spent WAY too much time smelling things and deciding it is the ___________ only to be wrong.  Here are the details:

  • I can only smell it when I'm on my bed, mostly facing one way
  • Moving my bed did not help
  • All bedding is innocent and rewashed this week to be sure
  • An open window dissipates it a lot
  • I have burrowed my nose into the carpet and unless there is a specific smelly spot I haven't found it isn't that although it is still the chief suspect.  I have sprayed the carpet with the best smell remover I have.
  • I have cleaned the vent.  I do not think that it is further vent grossness since the stuff I pulled up was nasty but not smelly in this way.
  • I scrubbed the bedside table, in case.
  • I see nothing and like I said I can't even pinpoint it.  I've considered that it is some bush but it seems like I'd smell that when mowing (duh, I wear a mask so I would not).
It is making me crazy.  It's not that awful but I do want rid of it. 


Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

The Rules

After the porn fest followed by today's anonymous comment I am tired.  This is not a place I want to fight.  So I have posted this on a page (see the right column) and ask that everyone read this.  I'm sorry.  I am not happy about doing this.  But I will not have this blog triggering PTSD when I have enough going on.

I can't believe I am doing this, but I am getting tired of this blog causing stress.  Therefore, the following policies are in play, effective immediately.:

  1. Play nice.  If you are not able to state things politely and without insulting someone (usually me), then you can either choose to keep things to yourself, wait and come back and say it when you feel better, or you can choose to just click away from this blog.  Use the little x in the right hand corner, delete me from reader, or type another address in that bar and don't type in www.masterofirony.blogspot.com again.  It's that easy.
  2. Due to the great porn fest I will be exerting extreme caution in all areas and if I have reason to suspect that you have anything to do with porn/pedophilia I will reserve the right to find you and take out all my anger over my abuse on you.
  3. I will no longer respond to disrespectful people.  I've done this several times lately and  I'm not sure you aren't the same person.  I am tired of defending myself.  In fact right now defending myself is so far down the list of things I need to be thinking of that it is just harmful to me.  If I deem you disrespectful you will be deleted without question.
  4. I will continue to take anonymous comments, both because this blog is sometimes personal and because any name you give me can be a lie anyway.  However, since all offensive comments tend to be anonymous ones that policy may change.
  5. I refuse to say someone can't say something.  Because during bipolar moments I find myself swearing as mania ramps up I am not going to say no swearing.  But please try to be respectful that this is generally a non-swearing zone and that swearing actually triggers flashbacks (hate that word) for me.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

I'm so glad to fight with anonymous again

Anonymous wrote and I sincerely hope did not realize exactly how much they are proving my point that people judge me because I need assistance, I'm disabled, and I'm young.  I thought of not responding but will one more time attempt to patiently explain why it is unfair to lump me into any group, ever because of my disability or because of any other characteristics, including whether or not my family members are or ever have been on assist.


Almost always, the criticisms are of people who use these programs for most of their lives and whose children use them and whose children use them and whose children use them

  • Not what I am responding to. I am responding to people who think that because they work they are better than people who do not/can not. Also, I have been around to see the need for the system much more than I see a need to criticize it.  When I was 2 the coal mines closed and huge percentages of the population of my town and county and surrounding areas were suddenly poverty-stricken.  It took until after I had left home for there to begin to be a new economy and so the poverty-rate was extremely high.  I'd guess that MOST of my classmates families were on some form of assistance.  And this is not an area that people easily and happily accept government assistance; many are distrustful of the government.  It is much, much harder to abuse the system now and believe me, having been into it you do not live a life of luxury.  I couldn't even qualify for a tiny bit of income because I was getting loans from my mother.  My food stamps were very helpful but they buy food.   They do not pay bills, buy gasoline, help me get treatment for my condition.  They do not heat my house or flush my toilet.  And the income restrictions to qualify are so restrictive that I doubt many people sit down and decide "it is easier to live like this so I'm going to just not bother to work".  

It's also instructive to look at the disability claims of people in their 20s and 30s who manage to ride out disability and/or get permanent disability (which, of course, entitles them to Medicare even if they've not put in more than 1 credt toward Medicare)and compare this demographic of twenty and thirty-somethings to the people in the same age group who were awarded disability/permanent disability/Medicare 20, 30, 40 years ago.

  • That's me.  But don't you DARE say that I didn't earn this because I am young.  I fought harder than you can imagine.  Do you know why I wouldn't have had a claim 40 years ago?  (Besides the fact that as I woman I might not have worked).  I would have been permanently in a state hospital.  Because the  meds I need didn't come out until the last 20 years or so until that time it is pretty likely I would have wound up in a group home at the very bed, but prior to lithium in the 1970s I am positive I would have lived my life in a state hospital because it was the only option for care of some like I am without my meds.
  • Second, you are mistaken.  Medicare comes only with SSDI, which is Social Security Disability Insurance.  It it what I qualify for because I was able to work long enough and pay enough into the system.  29 months after the day I became disabled per the government I will indeed get Medicare.   Because I earned it.  No, it maybe doesn't seem fair that I can get this when I will be 38.  But frankly it's a lot more unfair, when I had so much more I hoped to do.that I got sick and had to stop working, doing the thing I loved most in my life.  HOWEVER, if you do not pay enough into the system or work enough credits, which is true for most people who are younger, you go on Social Security Income. This provides them with about $600/month to live on and they are eligible only for medicaid.t  Try to live like that.

  • Use your head. That is one of those insulting phrases that is not allowed on this blog.  If you care to insult people you may go elsewhere.  In fact, please do.  I am answering you only for the purpose of education and because some of what you said is wrong and I want to correct that for other people.

:  Decades ago, a huge % of the male population worked at jobs that were high-risk for permanently disabling conditions, jobs that required  heavy labor.   Today, few young people in contrast have such jobs, yet look at the percentages contrasting the disability claims and permanent disability statuses.

  • Further you clearly are not aware how stringent the application system is.  People who have terminal illnesses are turned down, especially if there is an error.  Just wording something incorrectly.  If you say that you are able to do something that you really can only sometimes sort of do in an effort to be positive you can be denied.  If you haven't seen the doctor enough or the doctor isn't a very thorough documenter you can be denied.  You can be denied for no apparent reason.  You do not get disability by "waiting it out"; you get disability by being disabled.
  • It is true that they have noticed people desperately applying for disability after they lose their jobs, meet the criteria of applying for 2 jobs per week and taking the first job offered, run out of benefits and so they try to get on disability.  When you are desperate to feed your children and not even McDonald's is hiring, you will try anything.  However, those people are extremely unlikely to be approved.  And what do you get while waiting?  Not much.  I was eligible for medicaid but had I been denied by social security that would have terminated immediately, putting me right back where I am: uninsured.

You can't blame those who work and don't cheat the system for being pissed off at it all, at those who use the system and the bureaucrats and politicians who use the system to procure votes.

  • There you prove my point.  People who work are good, people who can't work are "using the system".  I have not used a single program that I have not paid into, heavily.  I made a lot of money when I could work.  Believe me, my taxes have  gone into the system to make up for my use.  You think you are better than me, that you are morally better, not nearly as lazy, and not manipulating the system for my own benefit.  I worked for as many years as I could.  I fought harder than you can imagine to work, and I do blame people who are so self-righteous they think that nothing bad can ever happen to them.  Also, don't swear.  It's uncouth.

It's disingenuous to suggest that the average working American isn't willing to use his or her tax dollars to award temporary aid for those who have had misfortunes, but they are sick of the lazy asses who use the system and pass that attitude of laziness and entitlement on to their offspring who pass it on to their offspring and sick of those whose "misfortunes" are not the result of blind happenstance but rather bad choices

  • It's great that you are so generous as to think it's ok for temporary disability.  Funny enough, you don't.  That's private insurance only. If you don't have it you have no real benefits aside from some social services maybe.
  • I don't have kids.  But my niece is going to grow up knowing that her aunt worked as hard as she could as long as she could, that I loved what I did, that when and if I can I continued to work part-time, and that eventually it reached a point that I was not able to do what I once did, and that if she can work then she will but that if an illness takes away her abilities to work then she will still be loved and supported.
  • I would love to know what bad choice on my part caused my mental illness?  Or that I don't respond well to medications?  You generalize far too much.

Think of this: working Americans who want to have another child yet feel they can't afford one are forced to pay for an ever increasing number of babies born to women who are not just ignorant young girls who fell for some player's line and who didn't use birth control.  Now we are paying for those who actually PLAN more births, yes, PLAN THEM,  and it's absolutely amazing how many of these women are NOT from environments of poverty and are not uneducated.

  • I'm actually too tired to care anymore.  Yes, this happens.  No, it does not mean that because Nadya Suleman is ridiculous that every person ho is pregnant and on the system is like her, and education levels do not prevent bad things from happening.  


Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Monday, May 07, 2012

Low income

I want to post this on facebook which is a bad idea so it lands here.

To those who think that someone who has a low income, someone who uses resources such as food stamps, medicaid, financial assistance programs, grants, etc., please realize that you are not better than me.  I consistently see comments by people with a sense of entitlement about how those who use these programs are social dependents, not as good as the person who is working but struggling, or general are lesser people.

Guess what?  It can be you.  A year ago my income would have been considered high.  Not because of me, but because I worked in a job with a high need and therefore high salaries.  I didn't make this happen.  I didn't know what I would make when I started, and I didn't use salary as a criteria for any of the jobs I took, although the last job had a $20,000 pay cut so I did negotiate as high as I could then.  I've made exactly nothing for some time, and was on as many food stamp dollars as a single person is eligible.  And now I am on SSDI, which is income I earned because it is an insurance program I paid into, and I'm not eligible for some forms of help, but i still don't make very much.  I quality for things related to  percentages of the poverty level and they are not huge percentages.

I worked very hard for the years I worked.  I made a lot of money during those years, thank God over and over since it means I make a manageable amount WITH ASSISTANCE, now.  But I am not less than you.  I did not choose this.  This is a state with a huge unemployment rate, once the highest in the country.  I am not unemployed, but if I were it would be hard to expect me to easily gain employment (unless it was in my field, in which case there are lots of jobs).  Disability, as in my case, happens.  I wish it didn't.  I'm young and I don't know if I will even work parttime in a field I spent $90,000 to qualify for only 11 years ago.  But what happened to me, both the times I was unemployed and now that I am disabled, including every step of that path including the no income for months part that  made food stamps a saving grace, those things can happen to you.  I didn't set out to be disabled.  I didn't expect it even though I probably should have.  I knew it was likely.  I refused to see it was probable.  It changed nothing.  I worked as long as I could and now I can't.  And I may not have much money but I also don't have the self-righteousness that makes you think that not working is because of a choice or laziness.

I'm not mad at anyone on here but am hoping somehow that God will lead a few specific people to this page before my head explodes reading what they write.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


There are numerous reasons I'm not sharing in great detail about what I'm doing with Dr. Mind right now.  Partly this is because I'm not completely sure yet (nor is he specifically after my freaking out last week) but partly this is because I come out of this with each session including me talking about things I've never said or admitted before.  Today I took off on some review of my last 6 months or something, and finally admitted that when the people at the hospital in December did not initially understand what I meant when I was saying I was suicidal I really wanted to just not tell, go home, and take that as a good enough reason to take the pills.  It probably would have worked; my worry was that Dr. Brain would be in that weekend it wand would know instantly, but the initial plan was just to stabilize me and get me home before Christmas so I could have done without her getting a chance to catch on.  I hadn't admitted that to myself.  At another point I was talking about the suicidal months and said "I hated myself so much".   Another confusing topic I have to think about it learned that I always assume I am wrong and that beyond wrong that I tend to blame myself for anything I think
 I cause to go wrong.  And I don't trust myself.  I also heard something I never really thought I'd hear, a reminder that choosing to avoid this is my choice but the consequences of that are mine too.  (I kind of made it a lot easier the last few days).

But during that session also came out I am allowed to have my tylenol.  I am going to through so much that I keep not holding enough out in my safe box and then having to buy more.  Given that I'm not wanting to hurt myself all the time and that I could buy tylenol even here in this town if I wanted to, I am allowed to have tylenol.  We talked about my having access to everything, I said I'd rather adjust gradually with getting the locked box down to the most unsafe things, and then after I pointed out I still have impulse dangerous moments later on it was decided I'm not ready yet.  But I think I am going to start having access to more and more over time.  Almost 6 months of no control is going to end sometime soon.

In the intervening 4 hours my brain has been through an increased frequency of listening to the traumatic story of the month 3 times in a row, while not distracting myself, and finding myself still having my thoughts catch on this one phrase that makes me think there's more, which I have talked about some but am not done with, listened to how I can hear in the story things I never heard before, and reviewed various not true automatic reactions that I find jumping around plus some complicated thoughts.  Plus every time I listen to it I get much more anxious and edgy and fidgety for several hours.  Combined with wanting to sleep to avoid all the noise in my head from so many thoughts trying to come together into something solid.

It's like living in a tangle of words and thoughts and ideas.  It's a lot to handle.  Especially realizing that my headaches may well be a sign of lithium toxicity as last time the only things that warned me were headaches that I ignored.  So tomorrow will include a blooddraw.  I'm really overdue so that's fine, but I now feel pressured because if it is toxicity I do not want to start hallucinating again.

Time for more tylenol.  Taken from a bottle.  Like everyone else.  (Scary, scary thing:  I had a box of stuff from Sam's club stored in my basement.  When I got a shelf things could go on instead I moved the items from the box.  All the time I was dangerously suicidal I had a huge bottle of tylenol (500?_ and a huge bottle of ibuproferon.  I am so glad I didn't know.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

11 years, so much happened

I've written about how 11 years is such a short time to have a career, yet it is hard to believe that it is all I had because I saw so much.  I'm going to keep writing these as I keep adjusting.

  • One of the hugest changes I saw was in death.  When I started working death was handled by the nursing home.  I remember the first time a family brought hospice in.  The nursing home staff was kind of offended and felt it was generally stupid.  Until this woman had the most peaceful, painless death after several years of pain from a disease that was challenging but not fatal.  By the time I stopped working in nursing homes it was generally expected that hospice would be involved at the end and Medicare tracked this as a sign of good care.
  • Another massive change was in restraints.  I hate this, but part of my job early on was to restrain people, which was thought to prevent falls.  It was always something that could happen but by later in my career it was much more specific what could be done, in what order, and many things we did in the early days like strapping trays onto wheelchairs then sewing the straps to tightly buckle in the back, or putting people in these chairs that were sort of like padded upright kitchen chairs with a tray and wheels that prevented the patient from being able to move themselves.  I used even worse restraints in the years I worked in psych but those restraints were so heavily justified that I did not feel guilty.  
  • Once in psych we were in the store room digging for a rarely used wheelchair restraint and found a straightjacket.  Those we did not use; it was there from  long before.
  • I found I really enjoyed quality improvement.  I worked very, very hard to get people to use the equipment I ordered, like splints, wheelchair cushions, and special utensils.  I liked tracking compliance and trying to raise it.
  • I learned a great deal about Amish clothing.  Remember, Ohio has the 2nd largest Amish population in the US.  I had numerous Amish patients over the years.  I also learned that in cases where their clothing was impacting their independence like by pressing on an incision that I could request that the church give permission for my patients to wear sweats (men).  It always always granted.
  • The most difficult patient for me to tolerate was a retired physician who had delivered several thousand babies but did not believe in pain until after he had surgery. He was resistive and asked me why I'd be an OT when being a PT ASSISTANT (emphasized by him) was so much more respectable.
  • Once I kept telling someone "the doctor says not to put weight on that fracture.  Don't use it to push your wheelchair or it won't heal".  A few months later he came to see me and to say "you were right". I said "huh?" and he held up a malhealed fracture.
  • I once over 18 months treated a woman with a non-surgical shattered upper arm.  It didn't heal.  By the end she could wash her hair with both hands, even though her broken arm bent just like it had an extra elbow.  That took a lot of prayer because I was as afraid as she was.
  • Being an OT you work on dressing, showers, bathroom skills, all that stuff.  In my career I:
    • clogged more than one toilet with using wipes improperly.  I never admitted this.
    • managed to pretty well coat a bathroom in feces once
    • got sprayed from head to toe with a spray shower, numerous times.
    • asked a patient to pull down his pants.  He grabbed mine.  I had lost weight and this could have been a disaster.
    • spilled a patient's big old thing of perfumed powder all over the nursing home bathroom.  I cleaned up the best I could, but again, best to not share who made that mess.
    • learned that many people are VERY obsessive in how much toilet paper they use and how it is folded, wadded, whatever.
    • learned to tell myself I did not really have someone else's urine on my pants and believe it.  It was not true.
    • undertook one shower where the patient developed explosive diarrhea so I got covered in poop, soaked by the shower, spent over an hour cleaning the floors and had to leave work because I was so gross
    • Learned that many people are very specific about what end of the shower curtain they use to step in and out and how far they will open it
  • Grew to appreciate good nurses.  Happy nurses' week!

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Saturday, May 05, 2012

This blog is for nice people

It appears, no, it has happened, that I am getting quite a few hits from a porn site.  And while paying no attention is sometimes best, in this I don't think so.  Please, go away.  You have, I suppose, a right to whatever you want to do, but this is NOT the place for you if that is your interest.  In fact I will shut the entire blog down for a period of time if I feel it is necessary.  Yes, if you really want and you are a pedophile you can find some dandy stories on here.  But those are my LIFE.  Not a fantasy, horrible, destroying experiences.  And they've already been used for enough horrid things.

So just leave.

If you don't know what I"m talking about be glad.  I made a mistake.  I am paying.  (And no I was NOT surfing porn sites!)

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Friday, May 04, 2012

Praying for my dream

OK, the is such a strange dream.  But I am going to keep asking for prayers for it for the next several months.

I've mentioned many times that music tends to totally overwhelm me and I rarely like it.  But every so often I find someone that I love and can listen to.  But usually that is only a song or a CD.

My noise issues have cost me a lot.  I've been to one concert, a small one in 1997 before it was so bad.  But ve been to one professional sporting event.  I don't go to fairs, amusement parks, etc.  I just can't.

In the last weeks I discovered that I have headphones that have let me listen to some music.  Somehow I absolutely fell in love with Selah.  I remember when they were pretty much completely new and I liked them, back on on the Christian station in in Kalamazoo, Michigan (station out of South Bend IL).  But now I have discovered I can listen to everything I can find that they've done and I love it.  I don't know why their music hits so hard but it does.

They are are having a FREE concert in the city where I do everything in September.  I have contacted the church about tickets.  I am going to try everything I can to be there.  I really WANT to.  And wanting to do something is so much better than this last year.

Last Sept. 19 I was packing for the psych unit and waiting for my weighted blanket to arrive so I'd sleep.  The 22nd I was admitted.  This year I want to to be happy that night.

I'm going to be asking for prayer a lot on this because it is something that is not painful that I can look forward to.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

5 days and grouchy

My head has now been hurting for 5 days.  Today I couldn't see the doctor because he only was in until noon.  I didn't guess even close to how much tylenol to have out so I looked up most of what I bought (plus a huge bottle I had before and now I had to buy  more).  The only time it stops is when klonopin and tylenol work at the time.

And in the spirit of grouchiness, I bought a book on my Nook that I hoped would help me understand more about carrying babies to term since I make the hats and like to know what prayers make sense.  Instead I'm annoyed because the book is really a whole thing about why you shouldn't terminate the pregnancy if that if your choice, complete with rather unnecessarily detailed descriptions of the various procedures.  I have a weird, uncertain feeling about abortion, but I also think that if I buy a book about the experiences of carrying to term I should not be dreading the remaining 300 pages because they aren't going to help me.

I love that kids play loudly and late on weekend nights on my street.  I wish though for the sake of the headache they'd go to bed.  I swear if this is still happening Monday and I can't see the dr. I am going to just go sit in the waiting room and refuse to leave.  If I could just get him to know what is happening he'd get me in.  I don't get 5 day headaches and I probably need lithium drawn although Dr.Brain wasn't worried (although she was confused after missing an email).  I can go to urgent care but if I want the one where I am on financial assist I have 2 hours of driving and then it could easily be a "take something I can't have, bye-bye" experience.

Oh, and I've been meaning to answer Jean Great about EMDR.  It came up.  It may happen.  It's not ideal at this time.  My therapist isn't trained and I'd have to see another one.  We'd divide so I'd have 2 sessions per week with 2 therapists probably.  But the thing is that my therapist cut his own profit to help me pay and I can't afford to pay for sessions for the real cost which the EMDR person would likely need.  I also haven't heard from my contingency of therapists that anyone feels completely confident it would work for the multiple layer trauma I'm trying to deal with.  I also don't know if the eye movements would work because I have strabismus and not only do not control one eye (because it became lazy from not being treated) but it feels odd when that eye goes off on it's on and it makes me laugh.  I also do not like people to be very close to me while treating me; after 6.5 years Dr. Mind can sit 6 or 7 feet away.  Usually.  This thing that we're doing is well suited to both me and the trauma I experienced, we just have to figure out some modifications.

Anyway, the intersections of klonopin and tylenol may occur soon and I need to be ready to try to sleep when it does.  If it does.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Some week

I really don't remember when I posted last or what I said and I don't feel like looking back.  This has been a blurry, tired, painful week that actually wound up with some surprises.  Pretty much Monday night I was awake all night.  The remainder of the week I have had a constant headache.  Occasionally tylenol and klonopin meet and the pain improves or goes away for a few hours, but every 4 hours minimum for 4 1/2 days I have had a throbbing headache.  There is a lot of muscle tension with it and some light sensitivity at times so I think it is likely a migraine.  I keep not sleeping and then when I need to wake up and decide if the headache is bad enough to see the doctor I sleep through it.  Tomorrow I MUST get up and do that as I do not want to do this all weekend.  My blood pressure is fine, I haven't accidentally eaten anything I shouldn't, I just have a terrible headache.

For whatever reason I had a horrible reaction to  Monday's therapy.  I finally got back on a lot more anxiety medication and calmed down a reasonable amount.  The problem is that the anxiety med defeats at least some of the effectiveness of the therapy, but the 2 doctors are going to work that out between them.  I've suggested that I may be an exception as I don't ever want to feel like I have the last several days and since my anxiety tends to be rather severe I may just not be ready.

So today I saw Dr. Mind.  We both anticipated a rather tough session I think.  Instead I was able to show him what made me freak out Monday, put it in context of some other things, and then discuss some ways that 18 year old Jen actually turned a lot around in the abuse arena.  Things I really hadn't thought much about.  A day came that I made threats back.  More days came that I fought back however I had to fight.  And while the attempts at abuse didn't really stop they changed, and I gained enough power to threaten right back.  I almost had him out of my life when I found out I was going to be a big sister.  I knew that baby would need a strong adult and I don't regret anything except not knowing him now.  But my father was afraid enough of me that when he was being a huge jerk and I felt the baby wasn't safe and told him that either he calmed way down and showed me the baby was safe or I was leaving with the baby.  I gathered things up to go and would have and he knew it.  We didn't talk about this part but I think it is also significant:  I also learned empathy for him.   Somewhere this week I ran into a statement about "what is your last memory of college?".  My last memory of college is finishing dragging everything I owned from my 3rd floor walk-up dorm to the car, getting ready to say goodbye to friends and finding my father who I was trying to gently remove from my life and had not invited to graduation due to a lack of social skills standing there with a useless gift (that I need to find and sell because it was valuable) and the innocent belief that I'd leave my invited guests to go eat with him (or go anywhere alone with him; I was so done with that).  And we talked about that.  What we didn't go into was that my last feeling from college was sorrow that he had come so far, actually kind of took a risk of rejection, and that for once he tried, sort of fumbling, to do the right thing. So if we could just skip to the very ending and stay there it would be able how I came out kicking butt.  I owe some coaches some huge thank yous, something I'm going to do some day.  I tell these stories and coaches show up as safety nets a LOT.

I also asked if I was going to have to say EVERYTHING.  He said he wasn't sure which of several ways this will go to decrease my stress but get me through it.  He seems to t aying things way though.  I don't know if I sounded like I thought that was a good idea.  I don't want to.  I don't know for sure that there is a good benefit for the discomfort.  We talked about not worrying about making him uncomfortable talking about things that are usually not said and that I do that, try to protect him, but he is missing that doing that protects ME.  I know why he thinks it's the other way, but I can say anything in medicalese, but not when it is me.  I have trouble telling the gynecologist what is going on.  But at least my greatest fear may be avoidlable if I can talk fast.

I came home and slept from the exhaustion of the session and the klonopin and had a bizarre dream about foster care.  I wasn't in foster care and if foster care were as kind as what I dreamed I might have agreed to it.  But it isn't and I didn't, and this dream is going to be related to something else.

And now it is time for another round of tylenol and klonopin and hopefully some sleep.  I was kind of hoping to sleep in bed tonight.  But off to the couch I go.  This helps so I don't want to complain but it would be nice to have a few more choices of positions to sleep in.

Anyway, goodnight if you've made it through all this.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Rough night

I was awake all night last night.  Where I slept, lights being on or off, nothing mattered.  I was supposed to see my niece today; I cancelled that at 4:30.  By 7:30 I left a message for Dr. Mind and took an extra Klonopin.  I'm not supposed to do that, both because of this technique and because of the suicidal thing but I. DON'T.CARE.  I let Dr. Brain know but she and Dr. Mind need to communicate because I don't completely know what is going on.  Dr. Mind called and I thought I was too soundly asleep to answer but I was up for the day 35 minutes later so I should have tried to talk to him.  He did leave a message to back way off and we'll talk more Thursday about my concerning reactions.  I think that he and Dr. Brain need to confer and that this is going to take some medication even though that's not ideal.  But this is so hard and obviously I can't handle it.  And the technique is I think mostly for rape survivors.  So things are a little different from me.  But the anxiety is so bad that even worse than only having 4 or 5 heavily medicated hours of sleep is nothing compared to the muscle pain.  I am REALLY hurting, in a way not even I can ignore.  I know some people talk about body memories and that this could be something like that.  I don't know.  I know that one thing stood out drastically in the story I recorded and bothered me and I wanted to talk about it.  So maybe that one thing was was too much.  Hard to know.

I also did something today that I decided at some point during the night that I had to do.  I am always very happy to communicate with anyone about nearly anything.  I get emails sometimes about various things people aren't so comfortable talking about on here.  And I am fine with that.  I have written on here about absolutely everything so it's not like that I'm exactly shy about too many topics.  But I can't apparently handle stories of current abuse.  I am so sorry, but that is a line I did not know I had.  I sent the person in question more details, but I feel bad about this, yet it is recognizing I can't which is something for me.  I'm just sorry I can't handle more.  It's all timing though and right now the timing says I'm stuck dealing with me.

So it's been a rough night and a rough day and here soon I'm going to take meds including a bit of vicodin because I hurt that badly (and am out of tylenol and don't want to take too many unauthorized klonopin anyway).  The vicodin I'm allowed to use in this kind of situation when I'm hurting and tylenol isn't enough.
I am praying hard to sleep tonight.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com