Uh-oh

I emailed Michal using words like hilarious.  Today was not hilarious.  This one thing is sort of, but today should be enclosed in other labels.  The funny thing was that I've mentioned before that I have developed the ability to listen to one and only one musical group, Selah.  Well, Tuesday when I saw Dr. Mind and was waiting a song that was by one of the Selah artists independently.  Today it was Selah.  The radio in there is Sirius so it picks up a lot and usually by late afternoon someone has moved it off Christian but the last 2 days were apparently for me.

The uh-oh........All that writing I did last week was read aloud by me today.  And the same thing that I had noticed in last week's taping, and also in how I felt writing; I can't feel anything about this stufff.  So I am supposed to find out if I can read a smaller portion with some emotion or some some sign that I am in touch with my feelings.  If I can't then Monday Dr. Mind will record it while I listen.  I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with emotion.  I do not feel any.  I know that I should and I know where particularly I should.  I also know that Dr. Mind reading it going to hurt.  Yet I have a feeling this is what I need and I'm not going to push too hard to do what I'm pretty certain I can't, reading it with connecting to it.  I can't stand the thought of connecting to it, therefore I don't think it's likely to happen.  And hearing Dr. Mind read it sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.  Which is probably why that's the better way to do this.  I just don't feel anything about this.  I don't know that I have ever felt much which I why I'm not seeing it happening in the next 3 days.  The hardest part of this treatment (as of today since I change my mind on that a lot) is that rarely is anyone asking "what do you want Jen?".  Instead it follows steps that can be altered, but I get few outs.  If I get too upset or something and do badly this weekend then I will maybe get one sympathy day (when I will get no sympathy) but ultimately I will be dealing with this.

I made an appointment with another therapist for the week Dr. Mind is on vacation at the end of this week.  I have never actually gone to one of these but this time I probably will.go this time.  I asked him if we can make sure I'm feeling safe enough before he goes.  He interpreted that as my saying I feel abandoned.  Ha, I want him to go so I get the week without this being so rough.  I just don't want to be left panicky and struggling and have no options to call in for help.  So I guess he already talked to the person who I'm going to see and oh, I bet she's adjusting her rate to what he does 'cause I know he was worried about that.  The weird thing is that I was originally referred to her when my first therapist left.  I wasn't sure she was going to be a good match so we added meet-n-greets with her and Dr. Mind.  I saw Dr. Mind first and left feeling he was a good match and that I didn't want to even try the other person.   And now she'll be my glue for a few days.

Anyway, I lost track of time and really need to eat something.  So more later.  I with either be frustrated by my lack of emotions or I will be crumbling.  (the reason to NOT DO THIS except nobody cares, which is an exagerration.  I can say stop.  But that's not what I need, it's just what I need is so hard.  I closed those feelings off 30 years or more ago.

I am so tired.   That was harder than I thought it would be.

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