Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

What's coming

I think I mentioned that this new story contains the first detailed sexual abuse story.  What I didn't say was that I'm now saying things that I've never said before.  I've written them, shared parts of them, but I've never told these stories aloud.

I expressed concern that the memories might not even be real, but Dr. Mind pointed out that I had no way to know this stuff without experiencing it.  I thought about that a lot today.  It's true.  Plus I'm sure of what I  remember and know at least 2 more victims with similar stories.

We didn't get into much of that today.  I'm glad.  I was so afraid of it.  We did talk about my sleeplessness and he thinks this may be just the same way my body tends to react to anything:  excessively.  Makes sense and a benefit of not working is I can sleep some during the day.  Hopefully tonight will be better.

I did realize though that this entire current story and most especially the sexual abuse parts I handle robotically. I don't feel much of anything saying that.  I think I turn off my feelings to handle it.  But I don't think I've ever really cried for what happened to that scared little girl.

To top this off next week I go for an appointment that I am afraid is going to mean deciding between removing the Mirena to see if the hormones are at fault and knowing the crazy bleeding could return or keeping it, knowing it may have negative effects and that it's not working overly well.  The problem is that it's a slippery slope from here with hysterectomy somewhere down that line.  We need to postpone that as long as possible because surgery is not good for me.  I don't care about the actual procedure but I'm supposed to avoid anesthesia as much as possible.  I hope she has some better ideas.

Anyway, I have no idea what the emotional effects here are going to be.  If I'm not writing it's just sleeping or feeling emotional for the next few days.

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Michal Ann said...

I'm listening.

(((hugs and prayers)))


Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,

Dang it - I see the comment I wrote last night did not post. When that happens, I often wonder if it's because I wrote something I shouldn't have but know really it's just a computer glitch.

You are in the middle of such hard work. I can't imagine your emotions while doing this therapy. BUT I really truly 100% believe this will have a good outcome. I hope you hang on to that hope too.

And I hope your team can keep you out of surgery as that hasn't been a good situation for you.

Last night I wrote about that scared little girl you mentioned... I've cried for her, and I have prayed for her/you too. I hope Dr. Mind can help you with this - I don't know how anyone could come to terms with it on their own.

You are loved, Jen!