I have inexplicably become grouchy this evening. I think it's just stress about tomorrow and also, I wrote all that and I'm very proud of myself. But learning to handle it is going to be rough. I didn't realize how rough until my support group changing days totally threw me for a loop. No reason, I just don't want change. I think I may opt out of group for a few more weeks until this is under control as I'm a little afraid of my reaction. This is the hardest stuff I can remember and I suspect it will be an hour and a half of listening pleasure daily. And there are some rough questions to ask Dr. Mind. Based on the other things we've done Thursday will be the beginning of some heavy insomnia. I've asked, sort of and will more clearly, for help not handling this in robot mode. I need to cry even though I don't want to. That's one thing that I've noticed about this; I have mostly kept my feelings blocked off. I have to be careful how I say that because saying I'm numb is a key word to Dr. Mind that I'm in trouble.
On the other hand it was fun to see how happy Dr. Mind was today. My forgetting that I had listened and erased was labeled one of the best things I've ever said. He also noted my laughing a few times. It was a good session. It was a session we needed. Now comes the hard part.
Please know that it is likely I'm REALLY going to struggle in the next couple weeks. I feel ready to do this but I know that there will be an enormous cost for a while. Then eventually it pays off. But because with less volatile, half as long "stories" I've had trouble this is going to be tough.
But first I have to get through tomorrow. Dr. Mind was shocked that I was calm about this, but Dr. Sweetheart has done like 9 pelvics on me in the last year, she knows how to help with vaginissmus (I can't spell that condition and don't care to--means my body fights anything going in with painful muscle spasms. Most doctors miss it. Mine certainly did and then she found it in about 2 seconds and as long as she helps and everyone talks normally I'm fine. But I will be glad to be done with it.
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