Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, May 07, 2012


There are numerous reasons I'm not sharing in great detail about what I'm doing with Dr. Mind right now.  Partly this is because I'm not completely sure yet (nor is he specifically after my freaking out last week) but partly this is because I come out of this with each session including me talking about things I've never said or admitted before.  Today I took off on some review of my last 6 months or something, and finally admitted that when the people at the hospital in December did not initially understand what I meant when I was saying I was suicidal I really wanted to just not tell, go home, and take that as a good enough reason to take the pills.  It probably would have worked; my worry was that Dr. Brain would be in that weekend it wand would know instantly, but the initial plan was just to stabilize me and get me home before Christmas so I could have done without her getting a chance to catch on.  I hadn't admitted that to myself.  At another point I was talking about the suicidal months and said "I hated myself so much".   Another confusing topic I have to think about it learned that I always assume I am wrong and that beyond wrong that I tend to blame myself for anything I think
 I cause to go wrong.  And I don't trust myself.  I also heard something I never really thought I'd hear, a reminder that choosing to avoid this is my choice but the consequences of that are mine too.  (I kind of made it a lot easier the last few days).

But during that session also came out I am allowed to have my tylenol.  I am going to through so much that I keep not holding enough out in my safe box and then having to buy more.  Given that I'm not wanting to hurt myself all the time and that I could buy tylenol even here in this town if I wanted to, I am allowed to have tylenol.  We talked about my having access to everything, I said I'd rather adjust gradually with getting the locked box down to the most unsafe things, and then after I pointed out I still have impulse dangerous moments later on it was decided I'm not ready yet.  But I think I am going to start having access to more and more over time.  Almost 6 months of no control is going to end sometime soon.

In the intervening 4 hours my brain has been through an increased frequency of listening to the traumatic story of the month 3 times in a row, while not distracting myself, and finding myself still having my thoughts catch on this one phrase that makes me think there's more, which I have talked about some but am not done with, listened to how I can hear in the story things I never heard before, and reviewed various not true automatic reactions that I find jumping around plus some complicated thoughts.  Plus every time I listen to it I get much more anxious and edgy and fidgety for several hours.  Combined with wanting to sleep to avoid all the noise in my head from so many thoughts trying to come together into something solid.

It's like living in a tangle of words and thoughts and ideas.  It's a lot to handle.  Especially realizing that my headaches may well be a sign of lithium toxicity as last time the only things that warned me were headaches that I ignored.  So tomorrow will include a blooddraw.  I'm really overdue so that's fine, but I now feel pressured because if it is toxicity I do not want to start hallucinating again.

Time for more tylenol.  Taken from a bottle.  Like everyone else.  (Scary, scary thing:  I had a box of stuff from Sam's club stored in my basement.  When I got a shelf things could go on instead I moved the items from the box.  All the time I was dangerously suicidal I had a huge bottle of tylenol (500?_ and a huge bottle of ibuproferon.  I am so glad I didn't know.
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Michal Ann said...

Hi Jen! I'm back from my volunteer week in Canada. I did landscaping, developed a lot of sore muscles and was regularly soaked by rain but it was a wonderful time in an insulated world surrounded by incredible natural beauty working with about 75 strong Christians, all focused on service and love of God and mankind.

I'm resisting the tedious unpacking process, etc. and the studying I need to begin. I was able to get an earlier date for my state licensing exam so I have to be ready by May 15, not mid-June.

I've read the entries I missed while I was away. You've got a lot going on. I pray for more answers about those headaches.

You're doing some wonderful hard work, Jen. I'm so proud of you.

Love, Michal

Anonymous said...

Yes, you really are working very hard and I think it's probably totally exhausting! Seriously and totally emotionally and then physically exhausting.

Even though it's hard and painful, is there any feeling of relief? Relief from getting some of those thoughts out of your head? I hope so. I know you will hang in there because that's how you are (determined!)

Thoughts and prayers to you today and every day. I continue to send up concert prayers for you too!