Dr. Brain expressed some concern that I might feel like I have nothing in my life, no purpose, whatever. I gave her the answer that has come to feel real to me in the last couple weeks: I am learning that right now I have exactly enough energy to do counseling twice a week plus the daily, now at least an hour, long homework sessions; go to my support group (sometimes); do basic lawn maintenance; and occasionally throw in something else. I get very tired very easily and those things are all hard work. The hour of counseling homework easily because 2 or 3 hours because I spend a lot of time thinking and writing separately from the blog. It's also emotionally really difficult because some of this is stuff I don't want to think about. And I have to say it,no matter how bad it is, which can be a really terrible moment that takes a lot of time to sort out. I also fight with my partial memories because I hate not knowing.
And of course there is the knitting. I've not done much of that although I am tonight because I'm upset and trying to settle down.
But even though a year ago I wouldn't have thought this could be a full life, right now it is. It helps to think of it all as a job because that feels more normal than thinking that I do a lot of driving for a lot of psychological help and then that's my life. I can't say my full life is exactly the life I hoped for, but right now this is it and these relatively few activities are a lot.
It is a weird change of perspective.
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