Monday, May 19, 2014
Maybe that will stop the stupid panic attacks....
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Friday, May 16, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
I have told the nurse in an email that I need information to help me feel in control and less anxious. I sent her another email asking for the breakdown of the casting process. I hope she answers it tomorrow and is clear and accurate instead of her usual answer that changes the next day. I more or less know what the surgeon will do. It's the afterward part that worries me.
Friday, May 09, 2014
Last week Dr. Mind told me "he's still your brother". I came home and did a lot of crying and a lot of writing about who my brother is and how this person is not my brother. But it did make me realize that he is still a person, just one who made terrible mistakes and I need to see him as a person. And then I realized that it is entirely possible that he'll be in prison by the time I can get around well. I don't know if I can go to prison to visit or not and I don't want to leave myself wondering about what he is like and what I should think or feel about him (or even if he is really a person; in my mind he had become a monster, and as Dr. Mind told me, monsters are green with scary eyes). I do not want to be left with regrets through his entire prison term or questions about how I should see him. He did awful things if what is alleged is real. But one of the things I've noticed myself struggling with is that like it or not he IS part of my past. Soon after he was arrested I took down 2 pictures of him that my mom had hanging on the wall outside the room I was staying in at her house because it was too upsetting to leave them there. But even then I had trouble. I kept wanting to go through all of the thousands of photos I've taken on family occasions and isolate the ones of him to a "Steven" file. But that didn't work because that did not change that he was there on those occasions and the "Steve" file would still exist.
Saturday, May 03, 2014
He is going to be about a cm away from the nodule anyway, so he might as well keep cutting and get it out if that is possible.
Thursday, May 01, 2014
Then I spent time this morning working on my hospital bill, a monthly, useless occurrence that stresses me out terribly.
I saw Dr. Mind for an easier visit but what I am worrying most about right now with my brother is not something he knew the answer to. That is hard because I don't know who to ask.
My mom and I packed up most if the rest if what was at her house. I have a lot of organizing to do tomorrow.
And then our internet went out. This is from my phone. I have stuff to read but wanted to work on some stuff tonight.
So nit my easiest day. There is so much going on. And that won't change for a ling time. At least surgery has a date to dread and then it starts to improve. 6 weeks frim tomorrow.
Anyway time to work on settling in for the night.
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