Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Is courage a choice?

So I spent the entire last week thinking through all these complicated variations of arguments with my psychologist. I looked at every issue I could think of, every way I could think of. Thankfully my mood stayed good, and I had the monumental moment of the first friends to ever visit me in this home, which I have owned 4 years. This is a big deal which I'm getting a lot of attention over because I just did it and I'm not usually a just do it kind of gal.

So instead of immediately confronting him with "this week has been TORTURE" instead we had a lot of celebrating, and it was well-deserved celebrating. Now that I'm taking that one pill as an immediate release and taking round the clock anxiety coverage my most recent med changes are really doing some good and I'm getting the luxury of a bit of a break. The cycling I am having is into hypomania and I never, ever go there. I like hypomania...

But then I did venture into the "why did you say I'm not doing well at this" territory, and practically the only reaction I hadn't considered was what I got: pure shock. I don't know how I misunderstood the way I did, my best guess is that because I was manic and having a terrible time focusing I tuned out after the first part of his sentence. Oops......

So then he reminded me that he had told me how strong and courageous I am. I told him (again) that I don't see this because it's hardly a choice; to live, this is what I have to do and I certainly do not take it on for any other reason. He says that since it is an option to give up that not giving up means I'm courageous. I have a tainted view of that word because it seems to come an awful lot from people treating me and well, they are getting paid to be nice. When they all settle on one thing I figure that means it's an easy option. Or the only option.

Anyway, what do you think? Is courage a choice? Said otherwise, it is courageous to live the life you've been given when that life is equipped with some extra challenges?

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Yes; courage is a choice. We can choose to just give up or we can choose to be brave and head in a direction we don't know. To me, it really IS that simple.

Emilija said...

There is existing and there is living. I don't think that it necessarily takes any courage to continue to exist. To just endure. I think it takes courage to live. To say, yes I have these challanges, but I am going to have a life that has meaning, a life that matters, I am going to try to have a good life. And I may not make it, but I'm going to go down fighting.