It's not new really. It's just worse. And today is a bad day and I'm generally frustrated and needing something interesting, and instead I'm feeling one more limitation on my life. What now, you ask?
Well, I take a total of 7 prescription meds. Of those 4 have warnings about heat and/or sun exposure. They aren't kidding. Lithium levels are affected by heat. That at least I can combat somewhat by drinking lots of water. A liter of water used to buy me an hour or two. Depakote and heat don't mix at all for me. It wasn't bad on moderate doses, but when I hit the high dose I started being able to tolerate only a few minutes in the sun before turning bright red, feeling dizzy and becoming nauseous. It's gotten even worse this year, to the point that just being at work where the air conditioning is limited can make me feel quite ill and I've had a few dizzy spells. Once I thought I was going to faint. So essentially I am stuck inside at all times unless it is below 80, and 70-75 is more preferable.
It's been a hot summer. Circumstances have also made it a sort of boring summer for me. Between being sick with bronchitis and then having Lamictal rash I lost 4 weeks. I have barely done anything for fun and have only been to my mother's about once (she lives very close and I usually am there nearly weekly). Today it really hit that I want to do something and there is nothing I can do. There's a festival here and I just wanted to walk through. It seems like the whole town was up there earlier. But it's over 90 and humid, so here I am.
I grew up outside. I was a camp counselor, the nature counselor. I was 22 before I spent a summer at all inside, and that was because I was in school. Even that summer I was outside plenty. I love canoeing, hiking, gardening, just being outside. And I've given it up for this illness. Last summer in therapy we made a list of things I'd given up and worked on making peace with them. Well, we forgot one. Last summer it was a bit cooler and wetter, so this wasn't as bad. Two years ago I was stuck inside constantly. That year I actually was forced to spend most of my savings on central air because I was having mood swings from my house being too hot for me to sleep in.
I'm angry. This is something that isn't likely to change; it comes from meds I'm likely to remain on indefinitely, and most other options have the same side effect anyway. So I've spent most of today just like my cats: looking out at everyone else going by. And crying. Actually I'd feel better if I could just cry for a while, but right now I'm still adjusting to my new depakote levels and high levels always result in it being very hard for me to cry and let emotion out. This has actually led to my quitting meds for several days before just to get relief. (Not recommended). It will get somewhat better but not totally. However I generally cry easily in therapy so I just have to make it there, I guess.
I'll recover. I need to arrange something to look forward to soon. I don't take vacations in the summer because I'm so limited in what I can do. Just as the sun sets I usually can be outside for a bit. I hope to plant a couple bushes tonight. We'll see though because it's still pretty hot out there. Plus there are those stupid fireworks. Because we live in a valley each boom echoes many times. I get to jump many, many times.....
I see retreating to my hammock in the icky basement in my future.....