I did it. I had things very organized so it was fast. People seemed to have been told to not talk to me or make a fuss. So nobody said goodbye. And that made it tear-free. Until a facebook message a minute ago anyway.
It helped that I was sort of mad because I clearly have not been coming back for longer than it has been since I resigned. My cubicle was free of my things which were in drawers and some of my things (cards, a Christmas ornament I liked enough to use it all the time) were just gone. And while I can see someone assuming those weren't meaningful items they were the last time I will get recognition for my work (the as needed work I'll do in the future will never get acknowledged) and I did want them. I probalby wouldn't have kept them too long, I am not muh of a saver, but I would like to have had the option.
Last night I tried to go to sleep and the I'm mad things finally started coming. I know that I need to deal with those feelings because they are keeping me suicidal but they also protected me today. I wrote pages of things I'm angry about and plan to continue it tonight.
I did have one extremely nice thing today; my mom's male friend sent me tulips AND candy. I hadn't even thought about this falling on Valentine's, but he made it so, so much easier by giving me something really happy. My mom just gave me chocolate which I desperately needed.
The other thing that happened today was that I have a cold. I'm not very sick but I don't feel great and I think that made me calmer because I wanted to sleep.
My niece asked to skpe tonight so I got to talk to her. The kid gets more and more amazing. I asked if the doctor found potatoes in her ears; she knew this was a joke and responded appropriately. She's easily counting to 5 and identifies most colors. She is making jokes and knows when something is funny.s She's pretending (she pretended to comb my hair through the computer screen; I live in fear of toddlesrs with combs beause my hair is far too curly to comb without a special comb. She even made sure to introduce her uncle to granma and I when he came in the room and made sure everyone was aquainted. The pediatrician was rather blown away by her verbal skills.
OK, my cat is making typing impossible and she is mostly here because she knows when I'm upset so I'll stop for now. It is not the relief I hoped for but it was not the circus I dreaded either. And I don't have to repeat that one.
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2 comments:
Jen! I'm very very happy to hear that you didn't experience the terribly feared circus! THAT is a faith-building answer to prayers for the Lord's mercy over you. I've found encouragement in this statement: "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there." I'm pretty sure that we have "dress rehearsals" of the "awful" things that can happen to us, perhaps believing it will help us prepare for hard times but in retrospect, I find it's often wasted energy. (Tell me that as I anticipate my next exam, o.k.??)
I'm also tickled to hear that you had some Valentine surprises that were all the sweeter because they were unexpected.
Please remind me of Anne's age. She's delightful. Again, I suspect she has a touch of YOUR sense of humor as well as her daddy's wit. It's such fun to have a verbally precocious child!
My cat knows how to find me at the keyboard, too, and loves to sit on my lap with her front paws draped over my left arm. She often finds a pen to play with and soon it's on the floor.
I hope you find rest and refreshment tonight to soothe your frazzled nerves and heal your budding cold. The naturopath who teaches our Anatomy, Physiology and Pathology class mentioned sleep hygiene today. Breathing techniques aim to calm respiration to 6 per minute. Try breathing in through the nose with the tip of the tongue on the palette then exhale slowly through the mouth. Repeat. Seems like 5 seconds breathing in and 5 seconds out = 10 seconds X 6 = one minute at 6 breaths per minute. Genius! :) I'll have to try it with my bedtime prayers of gratitude. It can't stop all my weird dreams but it's a good start!
So glad you can lay down in peace tonight with your pit stop at work far in the rearview mirror! What a welcome relief! I'm happy to hear you're writing again. If I remember correctly, it's one of your favorite coping techniques.
Thanks for all the news and we'll have to be patient if you have technical difficulties. Good "heads up!" You're thoughtful!
Part of "God Calling" today sounds much like the observation re: "Human BEING vs. Human DOING":
"...the greatest work you can do, and are doing, is done in this time apart with Me.
Do you know that every thought, every activity, every prayer, every longing of the day is gathered up and offered to Me, now? Oh! Joy that I am with you. For this I came to earth, to lead man back to spirit-converse with his God."
"Blessed is the man that heareth Me, watching daily at My gates, waiting at the posts of My doors."
Proverbs 8:34
Watching and waiting with you!
Oh thank heavens you updated.
I still haven't had a chance to read, but it makes me feel better to know you are "here" and able to post.
Good!
Becky
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