Oh

I have been thinking more about my earlier post on mourning.  In fat, since Jean mentioned it earlier today it's been heavily on my mind.  Things being heavily on your mind when you forget easily what you are thinking can be very frustrating and it is also frustrating to know that you figured something out but you don't know what.  So I'll share simply that although there are many other reasons I don't want to go anywhere I finally understand that what they've been trying to tell me is that I don't want to leave because I don't want to have to cope with the things in the outside world that make me remember why I am hurting so much.

Being with other people means that I have to see the differences and there are questions that hurt and I just don't feel like I am living in the same world as others.  That's only partly my desire to hide; partly it is true.

I still don't want to go out.

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