Anxious and angry

Surgery is 15 days away. I'm nervous and trying to plan and know how to manage everything. I'm trying to get more anxiety meds out of Dr. Brain but we're having communication issues. The good thing is the pain is greatly improved over the last 2 days and I've gotten some very much needed sleep. The bad thing is my mother. She has, admittedly, done no research about hysterectomies. However, she has decided I am being pessimistic and am reading about only worst case scenarios (this because I mentioned I'd been posting on a message board, where instead of worst case you get a lot of the same old thing, which is comforting. She cannot seem to understand that this is major surgery and that while I'm having it done laparoscopically that does not mean it won't hurt. It means less incision pain, but the removal process in the body is the same. It is still major surgery. Somehow in her mind I'm supposed to be fine by day 3 or 4. In fact she hadn't bothered to change babysitting plans for my niece the week of surgery. I know that's a commitment but this was a commitment first and or all I know I won't go home until that day. Hopefully not, but that's too soon after surgery for me to have no help available. I think she interpreted that conversation as me whining. I did not whine; I stayed very patient in fact when I found out that telling me she'd get me to Dr. Mind's the week after surgery was not true. She's told me stuff but never bothered to write it down, believe me that I will need whatever, or think if she needs to be there. She also told me that I'm afraid because I remember last year's atypical recovery "and I'm still recovering". First I don't remember last year's recovery. Second, the atypical part a year ago was psych, not physical and the physical recovery took a bit and the recovery from this is harder than what was done a year ago, as I've told her about 30000 times (but I can't be right because those would be worst case situations only). Third, I know now that she doesn't understand that there was a log time that I fought to get better. There was a long time my drs. didn't know if I would recover at all. Then I got better. Now it has leveled off. That means this is probably what my mind is like. She's seemed to understand that for a long time but in truth has been humoring my pessism. I HATE that she thinks I'm pessimistic. You don't fight this disease and keep going if you are a pessimist. I have severe anxiety. I worry a lot. That's part of the disease and the way she let me grow up. But she refuses to change this idea in her head and after 2 minutes really refused to discuss this. And all I want to do is relax enough to cry and I can't. And tomorrow she'll be here to help clean. She's paying for some flooring work in the basement but before it can be done stuff needs hauled away. This hasn't been something I've been up for preparing for. And really? It's not happening before surgery. The hauling might but the flooring certainly isn't. Yes, I'd love to get it done but I can't help how I feel and that's not exactly been up to major cleaning. At this point my goal is to have the house nice for surgery. What I want doesn't matter. So I'm triply anxious and now I'm angry especially when she got offended when I tried to talk to her. I want Dr. Mind.......I want to hear that she's being herself and that I'm right nad allowed to be anxious about losing a body part. But when I see him I'm not doing the best job at talking. I'm sorry. I'm so cranky tonight. It seems like right now either there's nothing to say or there is nothing pleasant to say. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com