Here's the thing

I've been spending time on a message board for women waiting for hysterectomies. I'm learning that we all have very similar fears and anxieties. It's good support and it helps to know I'm in a valid position to want nothing more than to do this and get it over with yet there is sadness with it. This is the big, absolute final ending to childbearing. I knew I couldn't but eliminating the option completely means that if next week a miracle drug were released that made me all better from bipolar and caused me to have normal, fertile cycles, then I still wouldn't have that chance. I know that at my age with very irregular ovulation I wouldn't be likely to get pregnant and I know it would be a disaster but it is sad. Dr. Mind says I've not dealt with the no children thing but have just shut it off. I'm sure that will change in the next weeks. The other thing I realized today is that I have fears that make perfect sense from last time. There is no way to know if there's a chance of a repeat, but I suspect I'll lose ground for a bit. It's normal for hormones to get messed up even keeping ovaries (I am) and for women to be pretty emotional. But more than that is that my body has been through too much. Harsh meds, side effects, allergies, medical tests and procedures, damage to my trachea from whooping cough/whooping cough itself, my injured ankle that most certainly led to my injured knee. I've had oceans of blood drawn in attempts to control this disease. The last year and a half had numerous uncomfortable gyn. exams and an invasive ultrasound. And my body has been through too much already. All of this means that I will be adding on to the list of things that my body has had "happen to" it. It's more invasive touching, time in a hospital bed, poking and prodding before, during and after. I need a chance to treat my body kindly and perhaps after this is over I'll have that It's just so weird.... Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com