I've got nothing

I just don't know what to say. I am 9 days from surgery and having a great deal of anxiety. That's hardly surprisng. I have pre-op Tuesday so hopefully that will help me calm down. In reality I think it will just be hard for the next week. There are things about this that are so scary. It's such a final thing to do. The good thing about that is that I will no longer have bleeding and cramps. The bad thing is that it is very, very permanent. I didn't think that would affect me but it does. I've not talked about it much because I don't want to feel extremely conflicted going in. I'd much rather grieve when it's done. There's also the simple fact that I could lose more cognitive skills this time. The only way to know that is going to be waiting. Which is tough. There is also a chance this won't fix everything. I am keeping my ovaries because menopause is not a good idea for me (the surgical kind, the other I don't have a choice). That means I'll still get PMS and ovarian cysts. There are worse things but I'm really hoping it will all be gone. I think that in many ways I'm shifting anxiety about this to other things. Money especially, but also stupid things like my ridiculous to-do list. Many things make sense. Other things could wait if I would just settle down. I need to go finish washing dishes in a minute. I am trying to have baby hats ready to mail so I need to hand wash the ones that can't handle the machine. They'll need a few days to dry so I want to get that started. When all of them are ready I have to go through every one and look for errors, loose yarn, etc. I won't actually be able to mail them until I get paid in a few weeks. Increased grocery shopping has made me very tight for a while. The good thing is I probably won't be spending a lot of money for much of September so that should help. I did something so ridiculous the other day. I had forgotten to lock the car after carrying in groceries, and when I heard someone walk past I remembered and used the remote from inside the house. A little bit later I heard beep-beep-beep-beep. I ignored this for a while thinking there was no way it was my car. It continued so I went out and re-closed all the doors. I waited a while and nothing beeped. I came in and soon heard beep-beep-beep-beep. I went back out. Repeat. I looked at the manual and did what it said. Beep-beep-beep-beep. This time I did everything but dance around. Beep-beep-beep-beep. I gave up and unlocked the car. Beep-beep-beep-beep. I gave up, knowing I might have to go to the dealer an hour away if it didn't miraculously stop overnight. When I woke it was still beeping. I started to go out again when suddenly I realized it was coming from the basement. Turns out when I took clothes out of the dryer before the entire drying time was up I thought I'd turned the machine off. I was wrong. So all that work and I just needed to press a button. My Anna cat is laying up on my bed beside me. I am so happy with how she is doing. 2 months ago I really thought the end of her life was coming. Now she is off anxiety meds, eating really well but not excessivley, she's gained weight and looks healthier than she has in a few years, and she is happy. I love seeing her wanting to be held and also sleeping peacefully. Wow, big thunder. I guess it's time to check the weather! Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com