anyway this might have a year ago IF i weren't so very sick right then. But i was and I don't remember a thing about my birthday. This year though it's hard to do that thing where you've left another rage behind and moved another step further away from the person you thought you'd be at 18. or 10. or 7. And while life is working out and I see the good in that even well enough to surprise Dr. mind last week when i pointed out the med washout period would be easier simply because i wasn't trying to work like the last time.
But in the course of the last 374 days everything I thought i would have in my life by this age changed or disappeared. as odd as it sounds it really bothers me that my surgical scars are fading. But fading means they aren't new and that it still hurts to know that there is no chance of having a child. I can say that I've made many courageous decisions and that is true. I did many things this year that hurt and yet were decisions i made. I agreed to the PTSD therapy and I am glad. i decided it was time to leave my job and I resigned. I have filled out mountains of paperwork and shared volumes of very personal information. i signed the consent for a hysterectomy. I adjusted to life near povery level and how hard that is. 3 years aGO i would have just gotten a new computer at this point. now I'm strethcing this one and supllementing wi my dead battery netbook that doesn't do some valuable things. I am watching my kitty get a little worse than she's ever been even with every winter dipping below baseline then improving. i woke up horrified from a dream last night that milk, something I love and drink around 2 gallons per week was reaching $7/gallon and i was giving up milk too.
i don't remember what I thought 37 would be as opposed to 35 or 40. I just know I didn't anticipate all the loss and knowing more is coming. A year from now i'll be moving from my home. It's another thing that both sucks and has to happen.
Grieving is all it is. grieving is just a lot of work.
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4 comments:
I hope "talking" it through helps you process "the good, the bad and the ugly." (When people ask me how I am, I sometimes say "good, bad and ugly. Some things are good..." Seems to be a reasonable answer that usually distracts people from asking more. Seems like a better answer than "fine."
I'm sure you've heard that "F.I.N.E." can be code for "fouled" up, insecure, neurotic and emotional...A little black humor.
Anyway, I hope you find some peace as you process things under the rainbow. You're a gift to this world...read Psalm 139 as a birthday gift from me. I'll copy it out.
Looking up to the rainbow sky with you, Michal
(Don't get distracted by the verses nnear the end when David expresses his anger at the enemies of God. I've hear that God is the only truly SAFE person to whom we can express anger. David vents but ddoesn't act on his rage.
Be blessed in God's comfort and encouragement through His Word.
Psalm 139
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
As I'm writing, a PBS fundraiser is featuring the music of my youth, the 1960's. The Byrds are singing the words of Ecclesiastes, "Turn! Turn! Turn! "To everything there is a season..."
This version has the lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKP4cfU28vM
This is part of the YouTuber's intro:
"The Byrds' version distinguishes the song as the #1 pop hit with the oldest lyrics, dating back to the Book of Ecclesiastes. Many biblical scholars believe Ecclesiastes 1:1 implies King Solomon as the book's author; thus, if true, giving Solomon (born c. 1011 BC) lyrical credit for a number one hit."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday day post...so I could wish you a happy birthday and tell you how happy I am that you were born.
Sending my love, always.
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