thinking

After my 2 hours of crying with Dr. Brain Saturday today's session with Dr. Mind went better.  I wasn't fighting to avoid feeling anything and I think it was less like pulling teeth for him.  I was hoping that Dr. Brain hadn't emailed him about Saturday (that happened because he emailed her about how concerned he's been lately) and she hadn't.  I didn't want her version to be known first because a lot of it is kind of unclear in my head and I didn't want to seem inaccurate.

He made a point at the end of telling me he knows that this is so difficult and that dealing with it is very hard.  He then said that he couldn't imagine what this is like.  Which is kind of a whatever statement until he added "and I've tried".  I think about it looking at his life, which is relatively like what I might hlave had without bipolar in terms of being a professional, the education I didn't get to complete, the lack of relationships, the no children, and I can see what he thinks;  if this happened to him at my age he would not have that education.  He would not have his beloved son.  He wouldn't have the career that he does and the options to pursue a different avenue in the next year. 

I am thankful he cares enough to try to imagine this, to try to figure out what to say that is meaningful.  But I hadn't thought about it that way.  To me it is about what I am losing, not what I'll not have.  It is an odd change of perspective, but it's also one I may have needed.  I get so mad at myself for feeling sad and yet this is another reason why I am being reasonable when I feel bad about all of this.  My life is not what I had every reason to expect it would be. 

I think it is metaphorically like the ovarian cyst pain I've been having lately.  Normally my doctor would have taken my ovaries with my hysterectomy because of the recurrent cysts but instant menopause was such a bad idea that they were afraid I'd require long term institutionalization.  So I have ovaries that don't really work well.  I haven't had cyst pain for a long time until the last few weeks but it's there now.  And whenever it hurts it's just a reminder that my sister is having a surprise baby, my cousin is having a desperately wanted and hard fought baby and my 2nd cousin who is only 19 is having her first of probably many babies, all in a 3 week period.  And I have ovarian cysts and nothing else.  To make it worse it seems that the cysts and my hormones are interacting and I'm having more hot flashes than usual.  Hot flashes are just gross.

I'm not sure this is going to make sense to anyone but me.  In a way I want to go back again this week to follow-up on some things.  But I probably won't because tomorrow night my med change begins in earnest and I"ll be very sleepy for a few days.  I hope. 

I did learn from both doctors separately that while I'm certainly being watched closely and  will be hospitalized if in danger they both feel that part can be managed.  I think that I've fought this off and on, mostly on, for 18 months since my last hospitalization probably helps because I have succeeded albeit not smoothly, gives me some leniency.  I am very afraid that this will get out of hand and I'll have to go in and that's not where I need to be to grieve most effectively.  I feel a little better now that both have said they'll keep in touch and watch me extremely closely and meds will be adjusted as much as possible outpatient (it helps that lithium can't be adjusted since rapid lithium adjustments require inpatient stays for very frequent labs since I have a history of significant toxicity.  Last hospitalization that is what was done because my dose and level had been lowered after the 2nd toxicity.) and they'll work together.

Today was the first time I've ever left feeling like Dr. Mind was going to want to immediately thank Dr. Brain for dragging out of me what I'd resisted so much with him.  She's never quite served the role she did this time and she did it well.  Although honestly if she hadn't hugged me a lot less would have come out.  Which is weird since I hate hugs in general.

Anyway, it would help if I could remember the homework Dr. Mind gave me and didn't write down.  I remember things about it but not what it was.  Oh well, with luck he'll forget to ask about it. :)