Invisible Me

Jean Grey asked:

Do you have any dreams? When I was on disability, I just had this loss of identity. I think if I had to do it again, I would try to be a writer- even if I didn't get published much, didn't make much, I would be a writer. Or I'd do more beekeeping with my dad- get more bees, and be a beekeeper. Or I'd hike the Appalachian trail. (section hike it) As for sleep, the best thing for my sleep was work. I never slept regular hours before I worked. Even in school, I didn't. Of course my ambian also helps.

Good questions. Right now dreams are hard to find. I start to think that maybe I could do this or that eventually but mostly they are things I really couldn't do unless my symptoms are better controlled. Dr. Mind and I were just talking about whether I will decide to renew my NBCOT (national OT license) next year or not. At one point everyone agreed letting it go was better but now Dr. Brain doesn't want me to do that unless I am absolutely sure I don't want to try PRN or something later. I can't see going back to OT even PRN simply because I am not good enough at not throwing myself in too hard and saying I'll do 2 evals but working 4 hours, half for free. I may keep it only because I'd like to try to teach online sometime. I think that is something I could do, especially medical terminology or something like that. For now I can't do that. It's hard to know what will happen; if a new med comes out next year as is possible that is an entirely new class of antipsychotic and it helps me (problem is that it has questionable trial results and may not get approved since it hasn't shown great results versus placebo in early tests) then I may find that I know more what I think I can do. Until something lets me sleep, wake up, controls my anxiety and obsessive thinking, levels out the constant cycling and removes the deep depression overlying the rapid cycling I think I'm stuck. Other things I'd like to volunteer to do but don't feel consistent enough. I'd like to offer time to NAMI members with disability paperwork. I am not an expert but I am fairly sure my experience with OT evaluations helped a great deal in my functional assessment forms. I also read a lot and know some tricks, and since I'm the rare mental health patient approved without a full review of records or even initial forms (they didn't even request records from my primary doctor) I think I could help someone. But I need to be able to trust that I can do things without backing out. Perhaps when I'm moved in that will be easier. As far as sleep goes I haven't slept well ever, since birth, except for the few years I had when I was pretty stable with Seroquel and Emsam. Now I'm on even more Seroquel, a bunch more sedatives and nothing helps. I often worked with 2-3 hours of sleep. During that good time I slept from 11 pm to 4 AM and it worked wonderfully. I wish I could get back to that. Part of the problem is that I tend to become tolerant to sleeping pills really quickly and once I'm tolerant it is forever. Ambien was great for me for a while but in the last 5 years I've taken 20 mg, I've combined CR and regular, I've tried it at different times and nothing helps. I take it in the hospital because I never relax there enough to sleep but it usually works 2-3 days. Lunesta was the same. It only worked a couple weeks to begin with and it was awful because there's a taste to it that you have to have the right genes to taste and I have it. It tastes awful from 30 minutes after taking it for the next 12 hours or so, no matter what you do. I don't think sonata worked at all, ever, but I probably should try it again sometime when I am insured. Gabapentin is probably the best I've got now and it is inconsistent and not extremely effective. If I'm upset or worried I am much stronger than my med cocktail. Tonight is the night before my niece's surgery and I'll be lucky to get much sleep at all. But I also am not alone in that one. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com