That's the end of that

Last night I didn't take any topamax.  I wanted to see what happened if my blood levels dropped off significantly.  And what happened was what I didn't want to happen and yet did. 

It looks like the paranoia and maybe the mixed episode was the topamax and not just my brain.  With a lot less in my system I felt a lot better today.  Little to no paranoia, manageable mood swings.  And at this time of year manageable mood swings don't bother or surprise me, especially this year because my SAD lamp is packed in my storage unit. So I guess I'm done with topamax unless things happen in some order that makes Dr. Brain agree to re-try it in a few weeks.  I don't think that's likely.  Paranoia to the point I'm scaring myself is a pretty good sign there is a problem.

I'm trying to look at this as it was a nice 6 weeks followed by one not nice week and it's hard to tell where my mood will go at this point.  Maybe I'll be ok.

It's stupid but I most hate that I have to tell Dr. Mind this failed.  He has been so excited for me.  6 weeks without major symptoms has been such a huge break compared to the last few years.  He really probably was too excited, offering me the chance to decrease sessions, when it had only been a long stable period if you compared it to the last 2-3 years. 

I'm hoping that I will not get significantly worse.  I'm sure that there will be some changes but I'd like to be able to keep working on the more advanced counseling topic we've been trying to handle lately.

I spent the day with my nieces.  I had the baby alone for 2 1/2 hours which was fun.  She slept most of that time but she is developing a personality when she is awake and she is just so sweet and easy.  Her sister was never easy.  Geraldine's mom was going to be back just about nursing time and asked if I could try to hold her off without upsetting her.  She made it over half an hour of hungry with a pacifer, some books, a couple rattles, black and white images, a mirror and Aunt Jen making funny noises and faces.  She was hungry and yet smiling at me.  And she has that huge toothless baby grin that makes you want to have her smile always.  Anne and I painted her toenails (the first time with glitter), worked on spelling our names with stickers, made a princess with stickers and my poor drawing skills, played 2 different games several times and read.  She is learning to enjoy Shel Silverstein (carefully edited 'cause some might not be great for her) and she curled up for a long series of those while I gave the baby a bottle.  Sometimes it is still hard for her to share Aunt Jen and we sat under the kitchen table and talked about that too.

It was a good day and I am worn out.  Hopefully the weekend will go ok as my body adjusts to pulling the topamax.  I just don't feel good about taking any more of it.

I can't believe I'm saying that.  I had really begun to believe that i had found something that could bridge the gap between now and new anti-psychotics.  Guess not.