Horrible

I can't go into any detail right now and probably won't for months until certain legal things are resolved.  (I personally am not in trouble).  But today began with a phone call at 5 AM that something had happened that has shaken my family to the core. Nothing will ever be the same.  Hopefully someday I will find a way to live with the questions I've been left with. 

I can say that something happened that brought out many questions about my past that I will have to find ways to answer.  At the same time my family (my mother especially) is suddenly having to face parts of my past that have never been considered before.  And I am not the main character in this story.  It is something that defies all that I thought I knew about my life and familiy and unfortunately it means that some very sad things will be happening. 

There are deep hurts that came into being today and everyone is hurt a little differently.  Life will never be the same after 4/4/14 and not in a good way.

God works in amazing and fabulous ways....Last night I absolutely could not sleep.  I had no reason, it was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.  Finally at 4:30 I got up at took 2 mg of Klonopin which is a pretty hefty dose since I'd had 2 mg along with my other sleeping pills at 10:30 the night before (and I'm on so much Seroquel now that I should never be awake).  At 5 the phone rang and the nightmare began.  If I hadn't had the huge dose of Klonopin in me I would have had a very severe panic attack and my mom was busy handling other things.  Instead I panicked more quietly and contacted Dr. Brain for more meds.  I am now taking another anxiety med a couple times a day when it gets unbearable, although thus far it hasn't helped.  But seriously if I hadn' that odd dose I would still be feaking out.  Instead I fell asleep after a few hours, woke with a migraine, took a migraine pill, slept some more and woke with 3 hours of sleep for the day.  Not bad considering.   We'll see if I can match that today.

There is just so much loss and sadness and anger and hatred at times and the knowledge that life is never going to be the same again and not in a happy way. 

I will post more about this and I'll explain eventually but for now I just can't.  I can't because my heart will break, because I have too much to work out, because it isn't my story and because of the aforementioned legal stuff.

For now I am cuddled up with 2 cats who want me to feel better (and who are cold) and that's a good thing.  Life just hurts sometimes, a LOT.