Boy I confused everyone

Let's see:

Jen?
"Covering your face" - are you meaning that the doctor suggested a scarf around your mouth and nose to protect your lungs from breathing in the cold air?
B.

Yes.  When I'm in cold air or near chemicals I have to cover my mouth and nose.  It mainly only works if done tightly and I am not handling it well.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I have done things that I thought I could not do from an irrational fear of heights. It is not totally irrational as I fell from a second story window when very young because I was able to open a window my parents thought toddlers couldn't open!

You just set a small goal and do it, then another and then do it. I was able to go to the top of the world trade center and walk around - that was my graduation.

3:02 PM 

There is a major difference:  This is irrational to you, but I have been held down with my mouth covered, grabbed and had my mouth covered to prevent me from screaming or getting help, had a hand held over my mouth and nose until I went into the place inside that lets you be silent while someone hurts you, and after I had developed enough fear of this had my mouth covered from behind without knowing who had grabbed me, many, many times in my life because my father thought this was funny and also a good way to maintain total control.  During those times horrible things happened to me and I fought and fought and couldn't do any good.  It's totally rational for me to fear this.  So it's not like the fear of heights I've also pretty well conquered; that I could rationalize my way through.  To me, something covering my mouth is not just claustrophobic it is a rush of bad memories, it is a feeling of being totally powerless, it is the feeling of having all control of my own body taken away.  And because I have PTSD sometimes I not only have to deal with horrible memories I also have to relive some of those moments in detail.  In my case this is usually in my dreams and right now that's even worse because I wake up with the memory of feeling trapped and unable to breathe and I am waking up because I have moved into a position where I cannot breathe well from the lung issues.  Because I'm very sedated at night it takes time to orient myself and so between fighting to not relive bad memories when I'm outside or near a smoker and when I get into a bad position at night I'm really working hard without even trying.

Michal Ann said...

I'm confused,too. And which Dr. Mind did the convoluted tissue box maneuver? Are you glad you had the session "or not?"

Dr. Mind the First was the tissue manipulator.  He had this tiny office and except for a few times he sat behind his desk to keep me feeling safer I sat only a few feet from him.  Dr. Mind the Second has an office set up for couples and family therapy, so he has a desk chair that he pulls into the room, 2 small couches and a chair.  At first when I saw him I sat on a couch and he sat across from me but I never felt safe there for some reason and never made eye contact. Too close I think.  So from about 6 sessions into our 6 years together I've sat in the airchair and he sits a good 10 feet away in his desk chair usually.  It was really weird last year when I hurt my ankle because I had to sit on the couch I'd never gone near for several sessions while he sat on my old couch so the angle wouldn't be bizarre while I propped my leg up.

I am glad I went.  It was hard, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about things I'd rather forget since yesterday, but I also realized how much I had any constriction and how much I avoid it in so many ways.  I started making a list of ways I don't feel trapped and it's huge without effort.  Even my clothes are designed to feel safe.  I also have an idea of how I want to try to proceed to try to make this more possible.  He told me to think about what has worked before when I had to deal with traumatic things that were preventing me from doing what I wanted to do/had to do and from that I have an idea.  We'll see how he feels about it Thursday.  I also gave in and arranged appointments so that I don't go more than a week before no matter which of us (ie him) is out for whatever reason.  A couple times that means two appointments in one week to keep them from being 10-12 days apart and I think that's ok for now.  If nothing else I need to practice trusting him again and the distance I put between us when we miss sessions frequently makes that pretty hard which is why I don't try to reduce my visits ever; it doesn't work.

Does that make more sense?