It's been a rough few days. I was up all night last night crying and yes, mourning. I was manic and so agitated that nothing could settle me down. When you can't read, can't follow a movie that would be a bad choice anyway since noise agitates you, you can't focus well enough to do most things that might distract you but at this point are more likely to just make you more upset because it's another thing you can't do, agitation is tough. If I could follow instructions it would be better, but I can't, eliminating things that traditionally calm me, like sewing or cooking. I live in a really safe place but PTSD says no walks around the block at 3 AM. (In college I was also in a safe town and then I did go for walks late at night, usually with a friend who also had PTSD. We had a policeman stop us and give us a lecture on how dumb we were being once). So I did everything I could to settle including taking some additional klonopin. I was able to settle into knitting for a while and as "night" ended I finally fell asleep. My knitting made me think a great deal. I have a ton of hats ready to wash and send. The problem that washing and sending involves quite a bit of concentration. So I keep making mental excuses to make more. Yesterday something made me realize thatI needed some hats that were smaller. Much smaller. Some of the babies the charity helps are born at 32 weeks and since many will be small the hats are just too big. Unfortunately I can only make them shorter, not smaller in diameter.
I think that the reality of my life right now is becoming more clear. I've avoided it as long as I can but it's time. I guess. I am reaching the point where it is a year since I was ok. It's one thing to think "I've been in bad shape for 6 months" and another to say "my life has been out of control for a year...15 months......5 years........whatever, and at this point that is all I can see in the future. I don't want to reach places where there are comparisons that make last year vastly different from this. I have a few months yet although April is when things got more difficu;t initially the best I can remember. But soon it will be July and the day my niece turns 2 is the anniversary of a huge panic attack that I think was my body's way of saying "too much!" and about 2 weeks after that will be the last day that I worked.
Because of the proximity to my niece's birthday I can watch this march only one way: directly. She is getting older and I can't avoid seeing that. In fact the other day at my mom's she kept picking up the wii remote, pressing the button until it flashed, then talking into saying "Jen? Jen? How are you?" giggle giggle repeat. Let's just say when I started really getting sick she could not do that. A month ago she couldn't really have done that.
I did think to scrawl some of this down last night so if I can read the writing from the tears Dr. Mind can maybe help. I don't know. If nothing else he can be kind because like everything that hurts right now this stuff makes me go back to wanting to not live and not experience this kind of hurt. And that is something I truly am tired of.
I am not sure that I've faced too many things that I couldn't feel that an end was in sight. This time there isn't one. It's weird. And not pleasant. I am the person who had a countdown going for about 500 days until finishing grad school. And now there is no countdown.
Anyway, time to mentally do something else. No need to get all teary at this time again.
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3 comments:
Oh, sweetie. My heart goes out to you as you process things and mourn. Sigh.
Dear Lord, only You can come close and fill the empty places. Jen is so frustrated and so tired. Please guard her closely and let Your presence calm her agitation. Weep with her.
Hold back the darkness and shine warm healing light into her troubled heart.
Please, Lord, be near, very very near. Thank you for Your promise to be near to the brokenhearted. You are our only hope.
salm 34:17-19
New Living Translation
17 The LORD hears His people when they call to Him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
19 The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.
It is scary not knowing what the future holds, not having a life plan. Can you give yourself permission to drift for a while? I have reached the ripe old age of 45, which seems to have given me license to tell people how young they are, and you are. You have lots of time ahead of you. Plenty of time to figure out a new path, a new role (to use OT speak), or maybe even return to OT in some capacity. But you don't have to do it now. Now you have to heal yourself.
Thanks for the beautiful prayer, Michal. I will pray that for you Jen - many times.
Can you "float" like Jean Grey suggested? You ARE in mourning and gosh, you shouldn't hurry the PAINFUL process. It is painful.
The future is painful too. Does it help you to know that it took me FOUR years to decide "what should I do with the rest of my life?" after I became empty nested. That wasn't SUCH a major transition, but it still took a very long time! The future looms at such times but there are no quick answers. I wish there were!
This is hard for you. It sounds like every day is a struggle. It sounds like you are mourning, and, as you know, mourning takes time.
Give yourself some time Jen. Be gentle on yourself. You are still the very intelligent and professional OT person-the fact that you aren't working at this time doesn't change who you are, the ways you helped, and the lives you helped to change. Who you are inside remains.
And once again, I will repeat myself to say that I believe wholeheartedly that God has something wonderful in store for your future. I believe you will once again be in a "helping" profession.
So please, be gentle on you.
Becky
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