In case

I am not doing well and that is an understatement.  The lack of sleep is getting more difficult and makes everything else seem worse.  I am so tired but that seems to not matter.  I added a panic attack to the mix today which may actually help by having burned off energy.  But other things aren't great.  I am napping on and off through the morning and early afternoon and keep forgetting to eat.  My thoughts continue to race and sequencing what I'm doing is difficult.  (even more than it has been).  I've had worse insomnia.  I know that.  I have survived it.  But I alwyas forget between how vicious it is. I am so tired I'm nauseous.  I asked Dr. Body about that once and apparently  it's documented as an issue for medical residents who are on call for 36 hours or whatever they do.  Tonight I didn't even try to go to support group because I didn't feel safe trying to drive home after dark.

Tomorrow I see (or talk on the phone with if I remain this tired) Dr. Mind.  That's the just in case part of this.  I have strong arguments that I can wait it out until Dr. Brain is back on Monday.  I wasn't sure of that the other day but now I am.  It may not be pretty but I can do it.  I don't know that he is going to accept that.  In fact I'm probably going to go up with a bag of stuff so that I'll have it if he forces me to go in.

The in case is that I'm always afraid that if Dr. Brain doesn't direct these things that I will be sent to a different unit.  I have clear documentation that I'm a 6North gal but if they are full or they feel my ability to be on that unit is questionable then I'll go elsewhere.  Elsewhere does not have a computer or much of anything else from what I'm told.  Dr. Brain told me long ago she'd do her best to never place me elsewhere; unless the fear of disappointing her exists in the ER as it does on the unit (works to my advantage) I could be shunted elsewhere, meaning not only none of those perks but also not the psychiatrist who has gotten me through 3 hospitalizations and who lets me call Dr. Mind twice a week.  I'm terrified of these things, but I also don't want them to hapepn and have dropped off the face of hte earth for you all.  (So tired Appalachianisms are coming out).

For now I am planning on begging Dr. Mind.  Since I'm not suicidal I think he'll let it go until Monday. I'm not sure we've ever gotten here with Dr. Brain off though and something.  I don't know what.  I hate my mind right now.   Sorting through all my thoughts I THINK I was about to say and he appears to have decided to be more cautious when the hallucinations came and he just let Dr.  Brain know, but didn't make an emergency out of it.  It seemed like my bipolar worsening; he watched toxicity #1 and thought the same things I did:  for me toxicity causes nausea, vomiting, severely impaired coordination, and difficulty talking.  Which all are a little familiar sounding now except that this is because of not sleeping in an eternity.

So  tired....