For a while

I already have been less talkative on here.  I suspect that there is going to be a period that I remain quiet.  The PTSD technique that Dr. Mind has been using makes sense in terms of what it does, but it is very, very hard to do because the goal is to go to the point  where it hurts and untangle all the pieces until I don't believe it is my fault.  It is confrontational, although gently, and it is confusing because the ideas that were the basis of my family are being disputed. I really at this point am bad at recognizing things that make sense and things that doesn't. It causes a lot of anxiety, which is repeated during the day as I have to read aloud the story that we're working on (from my past) and not only do I not have any meds to help with panic attacks apparently they don't want you to do that anyway.  The first two sessions of this have been as hard as anything I can remember doing in counseling.  I have always had certain things I would write but not say.  Now I gradually have to get used to saying these words.  It also has at least on this first topic caused me to remember more, and then today when describing something I remembered more.

I can see how this works.  I cannot tell if it will help me.  I do know that I am doing a lot of thinking now.   One day I told Dr. Mind about something funny Anne had done and he said that she sounded like a very secure child.  She is, and it is because  my sister and BIL are amazing parents.  I remember a little about being her age and I was afraid of nearly everyone and everything.  I also had already had things happen to me that never, ever should happen to a baby girl.  Right now she is learning what I love you means when it is reciprocal.  What she knows about love is so different than what I knew.  Or even what I know.

But anyway I have a lot of very heavy stuff on my mind and heart and heart and when I am quite that is why.  It's too much to explain here, too much for me to even think about for more than a short period of time.

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