Weird

I thought when I found out the SSDI was approved that things would automatically get better.  I even had this secret (because I knew it was not realistic) idea that maybe approval would be followed immediately by recovery.  Not so.

I am still tired and very, very cranky.  I honestly think that some of the things I haven't wanted to experience is coming out.  I have apologized so many times for snapping.  It feels like everything should suddenly feel better and instead I'm trying to figure out insurance and how I can exist without insurance for 6 months minimum (then I can go into the high risk pool until Medicare in 2/14.)  I'm freaking out because it seems like I've had no chance to get a break from normal life things (of course not, why would I) but a few weeks ago I had to buy a new windshield. I have to buy a new vaccuum hose as mine inexplicably clogs in 5 seconds of use.   Now it looks like my laptop may have died.  We don't know how old it even is (my mom gave it to me used) but it has had a long life.  She had another like it and it died exactly how mine has been acting, so I am praying for a chance to download important files and then it's going to repair to see if ti is salvegable (spelling?).  Thank God for the netbook I purchased when I was spending a lot of nights in the place I worked.  It's a good thing to have because I can post here and what not, but it is also not easy to use because of sizing issues, slow speed and just a tendency to do things like open a new window when I start a new sentence.  It is good to know that laptops are not that terribly expensive compared to the past but I still could happily use that money for many other things.  Until I can work a bit things are going to be financially painful.  And I have no idea when I'll be allowed to try a little work.

Partly I didn't do a very good job of getting food for the weekend because I had planned to do so at Sam's club but by the time we got there I was way overwhelmed and my mom was pushing me.  So I didn't buy anything to avoid having to track what I bought for cost and to save an hour or 2.  But even with that and a grocery store stop I came home with tangelos which are good but I can only eat 1/day because of reflux, 3 bananas (not enough) and nothing else.  I'm still learning about keeping snack food in the house and am not good at it because I don't like much of it, but being home means eating here.  I know lots of good in the car snacks but they come with a premium for convenience.  So that frustrates me.

I think this just another part of grief.  While the way this happened means that I am very, very clearly disabled and that I had a work history showing that I tried and failed, a lot.  But it also means that there is no doubt that this move is needed, no more ways to fool myself into believing that I'm fine.  And that hurts, just like all the other grief.

To answer Michal, no I don't think I'm seeking more chaos.  I have plenty left.  I really just did something I do every so often and never have a result so I got a surprise because I used a different search engine, I guess.  It also bothers me but so much else does too that it's hard to know what my real reaction would be if I weren't in this strangely grumpy, sad stage.

The lessened stress is showing in a few ways that are good.  I am enjoying having food taste good for the first time in months.  I've slept a bit better, although I attribute part of that to discovering that after years of needing darkness to the point of having blackout curtains I need to have a small amount of light.  I'm guess that I wake up frequently with nightmares and if it is light I soothe myself back without real awareness.

Time to plug the netbook in.  More tomorrow.


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