About that new job

During my working years I always started a new job blissfully believing that if the first 3 or 4 weeks were 8 hour days that I would actually WORK 8 hour days.  That was one reason I took the job with the traveling company; overtime rates were so enormous that I was assured nobody would pay them.  I had 2 different placements in 15 months.  Guess how many of them approved many hours of overtime due to lack of staffing?  That would be 2.

So this PTSD treatment started with the mention that there may be some temporary anxiety/panic attacks, etc. after sessions or homework but my body has to learn to not be so intensely affected by this.  Then I was told that I needed to avoid benzos.  My nighttime klonopin is not touched since without it I do not sleep.  And I'm supposed to experiment with an antihistamine that may not work but may be something.  Then we increased the time I spend on it per day.  The anxiety got harder to handle, the headaches started and I had muscle pain.  I used extra benzos for a few days (with permission) and then the muscles were better the headache   wasn't, then the strep was found, and when the headaches continued the assumption is I'm grinding my teeth. Since it's easy to see this in my mouth and my teeth hurt, that's easy.  But the best treatment besides my mouth guard?  Klonopin....sigh.

Today I recorded the new stort and put in 45 minutes listening to it.  Since this one includes more specific discussions than I've ever shared with anyone there are things I do not want to say and now that it's recorded I don't have to do more than listen to it over and over, but I feel like we need a side project practicing saying these words.  Because saying them/hearing them really agitates me and I do not settle quickly.  At the same time that I am agitated my body tends to want to sleep.  It doesn't work.

So this is turning out to be really difficult.  I'm sure after another session or two I'll feel a little less agitated especially after I get a chance to tell Dr. Mind that my mother is coming the same day I become a ballerina---never.  He's talking about dragging her into a session so I can tell her how mad I am.  I think not and that has more more upset than anything.

But it is working.  Which is the only reason it's ok to keep doing it.  For the most part things are going to get harder over time since what I had to say yesterday will be topped by other phrases.

However, I have this funny feeling that my "new job" is about to take over more than the expected amount of time.  I probably will wind up going to 90 minutes per day on the homework, which is to be consecutive and I'm not allowed to do more that fidgety things while listening.

But it's working.  I keep repeating this through nightmares, terrible spells of anxiety (right now), times I want to cry and seem to have shut that function off, and random emotions that come along every so often.  However it is so hard that I am actually looking forward to Dr. Mind's vacation, especially since I'll need to be in a manageable place when he is going so I should get a break around then.

He says I'm doing well, that he knows this is the hardest I've ever had to work in therapy (and it's not like I've not worked in the past), but that doesn't mean he's not going to keep making me say words I don't wnat to say.

My cat is going to get strangled if I don't go feed for the 18th time today so I've got to go before my anxiety turned into random yelling.

bye.  (The cat is fine).

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