Rough night

I was awake all night last night.  Where I slept, lights being on or off, nothing mattered.  I was supposed to see my niece today; I cancelled that at 4:30.  By 7:30 I left a message for Dr. Mind and took an extra Klonopin.  I'm not supposed to do that, both because of this technique and because of the suicidal thing but I. DON'T.CARE.  I let Dr. Brain know but she and Dr. Mind need to communicate because I don't completely know what is going on.  Dr. Mind called and I thought I was too soundly asleep to answer but I was up for the day 35 minutes later so I should have tried to talk to him.  He did leave a message to back way off and we'll talk more Thursday about my concerning reactions.  I think that he and Dr. Brain need to confer and that this is going to take some medication even though that's not ideal.  But this is so hard and obviously I can't handle it.  And the technique is I think mostly for rape survivors.  So things are a little different from me.  But the anxiety is so bad that even worse than only having 4 or 5 heavily medicated hours of sleep is nothing compared to the muscle pain.  I am REALLY hurting, in a way not even I can ignore.  I know some people talk about body memories and that this could be something like that.  I don't know.  I know that one thing stood out drastically in the story I recorded and bothered me and I wanted to talk about it.  So maybe that one thing was was too much.  Hard to know.

I also did something today that I decided at some point during the night that I had to do.  I am always very happy to communicate with anyone about nearly anything.  I get emails sometimes about various things people aren't so comfortable talking about on here.  And I am fine with that.  I have written on here about absolutely everything so it's not like that I'm exactly shy about too many topics.  But I can't apparently handle stories of current abuse.  I am so sorry, but that is a line I did not know I had.  I sent the person in question more details, but I feel bad about this, yet it is recognizing I can't which is something for me.  I'm just sorry I can't handle more.  It's all timing though and right now the timing says I'm stuck dealing with me.

So it's been a rough night and a rough day and here soon I'm going to take meds including a bit of vicodin because I hurt that badly (and am out of tylenol and don't want to take too many unauthorized klonopin anyway).  The vicodin I'm allowed to use in this kind of situation when I'm hurting and tylenol isn't enough.
I am praying hard to sleep tonight.
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