I think

OK everyone, I'm going to lay this out on the line.  Several hard things are pending in my life as you know if you've been reading.  Thankfully Dr. Mind is not leaving at this time so one of the worst is gone.  But oddly the others are so huge that I haven't felt the relief I thought I would.

I am very concerned that the time I have with my Anna cat is drawing to an end.  Monday night she was horribly, terribly, painfully ill, vomiting a huge amount of food (I messed up and gave her something with grain in it that I thought was grain-free; her body can't handle grain anymore) and then she had intestinal cramps so severely that I could SEE them.  I was up most of the night with her and knew that it was likely that we would make that awful last visit to the vet on Tuesday.  But around 5 AM she settled into bed and woke up without cramps or vomiting.  Time beaten that day.

But since then she hasn't eaten much at all.  Today is the first day I've seen her eat much and that much is relative; she's had maybe 2 tablespoons of food at best.  She isn't even asking for food very often, in contrast to asking for food 17 times a day before.  She is drinking a lot and still urinating normally.  She has confused periods that are worse than ever before.  And I believe her body is retaining fluids although that is hard to determine. 

All I can do is keep offering a lot of different foods and water.  I may take her to the vet to be tested for a UTI but there aren't many symptoms of that so I'm not sure.  It's hard because I'm afraid the trip would make her feel bad and a bladder tap is definitely not painless (although apparently it's not so bad they tell me) but I don't want to have this happen over something treatable.  So probably we'll go in unless she is all better tomorrow.  Which she has done before.

But realistically I think my time with her is just drawing to a close.  The confusion being this bad is not good (earlier I found her lost in the basement) and she is having trouble doing things that haven't been problematic before now (I have an old entertainment center by my bed that she uses to get up and down; today managing that was hard).  She will cuddle and purr if I pick her up but it seems to be uncomfortable to be lifted up. 

I've known for a long time that I wouldn't have her forever.  She is 19 after all.  So for years I've known she was very old.  And she's had renal failure longer than she should possibly have survived.  There have been other times that the end seemed near and then it wasn't.  So hopefully that is true again.  But it would not be smart to assume that was true. 

I think that I am going to be facing on of the hardest losses of my life soon.  And I have no idea how I will survive.  I know that some of you are thinking "it's just a cat".  And I know she is a cat.  She also has been with me longer than every person in my life who is not related to me except for one.  Well, 2 if you count a facebook friend. She is intricately woven into my bipolar disorder; when I cry she comes and I cry onto her soft fur.  When I need to just scream she waits me out and then comforts me.  When I have panic attacks she is always immediately there and soothing.  Even these days when I hold her and talk to her about telling me when it is time to say good-bye and make a point of telling her every day, often a few times in the day, how much I love her and will miss her, when I get teary she snuggles in and purrs, as if she is comforting me when it is her who is sick.

She doesn't do many of the things she once did.  It used to be that she helped me wake up from the grogginess of the meds.  When the alarm went off she would cuddle up close to my face and keep me awake until it was time to really get up.  She was trained early on (on purpose) to meet me when I walk in the door and she doesn't do that now.  Mostly she is too soundly asleep to notice what I do.  She always fought medication but now she just gives me a dirty look when I dab her ear with the transdermal med that keeps her from vomiting day in and day out (that's not working as well lately either).  She is slipping away and all I can do is watch.

There is a very weird part of the grieving that is for the loss of expectations.  I had decided long ago that when she was gone and I was ready I would get a kitten.  But now I will be taking my brother's cats so I won't even have the comfort of a little fluff ball reminding me of Anna's kittenhood.

It's just so sad.

So be ready.  One day, I have a bad feeling soon, there is going to be a very painful post here.