Mixed feelings

My thoughts about what is going on with my brother are so confused.  Lately I have spent most of every Dr. Mind session crying about this.  I am finding it so hard to know that there is going to be a day that I have to pretty much say good-bye because it will be the last time I see him free for a long time and I still don't know if I will be able to handle visiting in jail.  (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, well, that's awkward because I'm not going to tell you.  I also removed all mention of specifics from the archives.  But pretty much my brother is awaiting grand jury indictment for a pretty ugly thing (he didn't kill anyone which is good) and is likely to be going to prison for a number of years.  He was arrested in April and then the charges were dropped to be filed in a different level of court, which is confusing and seemingly very inefficient but the system apparently works that way.  It has been an extremely painful experience that has ripped huge holes in my already divided family and has been a very difficult process for me as I really didn't want to ever have anything to do with him again and God wouldn't let me rest with that so we do have contact and it is very hard every time but it is the right thing to do. 

At the beginning there was shock and anger and hurt and those things got me through the first 6 weeks.  Well, those and valium.  But now those things are gone and the next part is just going to be deeply sad unless it goes to trial (the hope is a plea bargain) which would be devastating in all kinds of new ways.  So I'm trying to learn to be prepared and to have a realistic picture of this; with time it has become easy to make it less than it really was because it is easier to handle that way.

But now there is a new twist.  For whatever reason, probably prison over-crowding, apparently lately people charged with the same crime my brother will be charged with have been getting probation.  And while I do not want him to go to prison I am very confused about this because the rational part of me knows that if this weren't my brother I would want him to go to prison for a substantial time period.  I do not think he should get off easy.  It kills me to say that because on many levels I want to pretend this never happened, but the reality is that it did and it happened to be something that I have extremely strong feelings about because of my own life.  When he was first arrested and family members were being told the typical reaction was that people were worried about me because everyone who knows my past knew how close to home this hit.  That's how difficult it has been because I am so divided in my thoughts.

In the last week I have realized that I am both absolutely terrified of my own reaction to this when it happens.  I don't know that I can be strong enough.  I know that I have people ready to support me through it but it kind of is a lonely journey I will have to go on.  So talking to Drs. Mind and Brain about that fear is high on my priorities.  But I also will have a strong reaction if he did what he is accused of doing and gets off without real punishment.  I feel pulled in 2 directions by this and it is really hard for me to handle.

I also keep being confused by wishing it were just over and wishing that this limbo period just could continue and I'd never have to face what is coming.  I already have learned more about it than I ever wanted to know as I try to understand.  It's just too huge.

And did I mention that this is likely to come up in the holiday season?  Yippee......