Catching up...again

It's sort of hard to really catch up.  So much is happening, my thoughts are racing, it gets difficulty to sort out mundane from important.  But let's see...I got a little more aggressive in pursuing the money my company owes me as back-pay.  It probably won't matter but I am tired of waiting given that it was approved 3 months ago and is money from December.  Money I desperately need.  I probably now look like an idiot but whatever.  i tried to be professional in my idiocy.

Work has been hard, hard, hard this week.  Between patients I don't want to see decline having declined severely to frustration with a coworker, to a stupid accusation from a caregiver who was agreeing with me while I said what I did and then turned it into my doing something wrong, but the situation is extremely messy and nobody will think I was wrong, just I am tired of well, people.  Somehow nobody thought to tell ME about this so I found out when a caregiver was very rude to me. And this isn't over yet more than likely.  The next person I called hung up on me when all I was doing was trying to determine if she was going to let me come at all, ever.  Slam.  That actually made me cry and i had to hide for a little bit.  And then there were the 2 evals that should never have been referred to me today.  But that's ok because it took 14 phone calls to set those up.  Hours of time that will look wasted and that i will not get paid much for.

Today also included a jury duty summons--for next week.  not a lot of time to gather my usual medical excuse.  So that means wasting time with Dr.Mind tomorrow for him to try.  Unless I can't tolerate not having the full session to talk in which case I guess it just is my word.  I have to send the thing tomorrow anyway to get anything there in reasonable time so it probably only depends on me anyway.  This is the 3rd time I've been called for jury duty in the last 3 years and each time it has been when I was unwell.

I started a 4th inhaler.  This is pure steroid and it's impossible to know if my body is ok with that or not since I'm so cranky anyway.  Too soon to know what my lungs think.

I saw Dr. Mind last night.  He wanted to know if i wanted him to contact Dr. Brain.  I told him I wanted to let her get back into things before I bugged her since I am stably bad.  And then I listened to my session.  I listened to myself talk of feeling hopeless, over and over.  I listened to him say I don't ever say that.  I listened to the suicide questions for the 2nd week running.  I listened to my medical hopes:  surgery and very expensive shots and while I'm glad for both I also am afraid my life is going to be tough until surgery is over and we have a huge fight to get insurance or alternative funding for the shots if I even qualify.  I listened to Dr. Mind tell me for the first time I can recall that I didn't look so good.  I listened as I tried to focus and couldn't.  And I realized that while giving her more time would be nice I'm past that.  So I emailed Dr. Brain, who is out of town but will try to find something creative to help when she gets back today.  So hopefully tomorrow or Friday I'll have some things to try.  She was so nice, she made no fuss about being busy which I know she has to be, just that she'd help me.  Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind again.  I suspect he'll be glad I did this.  My mental health has not been this precarious in a very long time, probably not since around the period I was recovering from the hospital.

I actually seem to be getting sleepy.  more tomorrow maybe.  Sleepy this early?  amazing.  Maybe every day should be so stressful.....