quiet

I am not saying much these last days because I'm trying very hard to focus on resting and staying in comfortable positions and sleeping as much as I can, which is not enough per the bipolar rules.    But I am here still, feeling my  emotional status is very wobbly, and trying to cope with my anger with Dr. Body because I know that ultimately he is the perfect doctor for me, that we simply haven't communicated well somehow, and if we did miscommunicate and I had a chance at feeling better some time ago that there was some reason God prevented it.  I also realized tonight that although I have said "if I do this it will be instead of my much anticipated vacation so please choose wisely' that I really should have said "I don't know that I am psychiatrically stable enough to handle the steroids now and psychiatrically I suspect Dr. Brain is going to want me to go on vacation and get myself together more than anything else."  The more I think about it the more I realize that I am not in a good place emotionally and that until that is medically stabilized I honestly think giving up vacation for treatment after so many  months of asthma controlling my life would not be a good thing.  If it is recommended by both drs. I will do it, but that will be after a discussion of how hopeless I feel, how tired I am of life being work and sleep and deal with health issues and that I know that I'll be doing this with my polyp/fibroid through the summer, and that I also have to wait out several cycles to see if I have to go through exploding ovarian cyst again, and if so that will add more to my surgery.  Which seems like enough.

So I now have to think about  and decide with Dr. Brain what limits are appropriate.  Because yes, steroids may have been very beneficial.  We missed that.  They may help now, but there's a cost: benefit ratio to consider and I'm thinking they will lose out.  I think my mind is heading for some dark places and we need to stop that before we do things that might worsen it.  We'll see what she thinks, but I suspect I'm right.  Also, I'm not sure that take away/giving up vacation is worth the emotional consequences of a treatment causing m inpatient time when I should be at the ocean is a good thing.

So I'm thinking and doing what I can, and hopefully the other side of this is clear soon.