Long time

Writing and talking are hard for me right now.  Too manic.  When I get this way my thoughts are so fast and jumbled and so far ahead of what word I'm actually saying that I get lost, have to stop and try to re-trace, and it makes me mad and embarrassed.  My focus is so poor right now that I'm having a terrible time counting people's pulses because any noise distracts me and even if it's quiet by the time 15 seconds are up I'm not entirely sure what number I *really* am on.

So I've been quiet.  But it has been far from uneventful.  Work surprised me for OT month with an edible bouquet.  That made me cry.  It was just so incredibly kind of them to do anything, and this was not just the usual "hey everyone it's ot month, have some cake", this was for ME.  They did something nice for me, not yelled at me.  I can't get used to the different approach.  What's more, they even made sure it was MAOI-friendly.

My mixed episode changed to just mania about Wednesday.  I hate being manic and it's hard to function but it's easier than 2 moods at once.  Today I think I'm slipping back to mixed though, slowly.

I saw Dr. Brain today.  She looked happy and was wearing something that showed off her newly reconstructed chest, which i bet is an amazing feeling after a year and a half of a reminder that something was wrong.  She is having me try more klonopin and getting rid of the valium.  If that's not solved things in a few days I'll get bloodwork for a lithium level (really I'll do that anyway, but we'll change my lithium if needed) and  hopefully will be able to safely get me on more.  Ever since I was toxic I've been very sensitive to lithium so it's tricky to guess what I can take.  I used to need to have my levels be very, very high, right below toxic.  After I was toxic we backed down and backed down because if I'd got hot I'd have toxicity symptoms.  Now in the last year we've been easing up a litlte.  And by a little I mean that this increase will put me at what is normally a "bottom" bloodlevel.  We changed formulas of lithium though and I've tolerated it better since, and lithium tends to stop my cycling so I desperately want more of it if i can.

There's more going on......i'll talk about it tomorrow though.  I'm tired and it's an emotional subject for me.