I've talked about how my mother gets frustrated with moods and then gets angry because I'm "being negative" or "focus on the bad stuff", etc. As I said in my last post the last few days have been stressful on top of the mood issues. I stupidly went to her house to drop off some stuff today and found myself talking about my day. I was struggling and needing to talk a lot. All I wanted was reassurance, not "that won't get you in trouble will it" or whatever. All I want right now is someone to tell me things are going to be ok. Dr. Mind knows this and is doing it, and Dr. Brain kind of did too in her brief email, but it's still hard. So anyway, this resulted in her interrupting me and saying "ok, we talked about that, now let's talk about something happier." I walked off, teary-eyed and she asked if I was mad. I told her she would not treat other people like that, that she wouldn't say that to her sister or a friend so why was it ok to say it to me? Why am I not allowed to need to talk as much as I need to, especially when I keep telling her I'm struggling?
Would you say that to your children, bipolar or not?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
< -- Copyright (c)2006 Site Meter -->
7 comments:
Jen,
"Would you say that to your children, bipolar or not?" Short answer: no.
I am curious how she responded when you asked why you are not allowed, and why it was ok with you but not with others.
When my daughters come to me with anything, I try to listen very carefully. Sometimes they need to vent, sometimes they are looking for encouragement, sometimes they will ask for advice. I feel that it is my "job" as a mom to respond to what [I think] they need, and it really isn't a "job" at all. Actually, it's more of an honor that they trust me enough to tell me their problems/joys, and helps me to confirm that our relationship is good and loving and solid. Also, discerning what they need isn't hard either because I know them so well. I welcome their conversation and the fact that they “come to me”.
My daughters are 23 and 21 and so the conversations are most often about school, relationships, and their future plans. If they would happen to mention something about their jobs which raised a red flag for me, yes I would call them on it, and they wouldn't like it. But, they are young and haven't been in the work force for long. I would frame my response more like, "do you think that's a good idea?", or "perhaps you need to consider ____". I don't see this to be the same for you, as you are a professional and you know what you are doing!
To my knowledge, I have not switched the subject when they want to talk. I know 100% I've not ever said, "let's talk about something happier." If the subject is something horrible or really difficult, I may respond with "can you give me some time to think about that", or "I just don't know what to say right now”, or “this is not something that I have enough knowledge about to help you with.” Also, I’ve suggested to both that they seek professional help, both medical and psychological – in a loving way of course.
Sheesh - I am writing a book! Is this the kind of answer you were seeking?
To me, what you have described above, is rejection, and it’s happened to me too. Cutting me off and changing the subject is rude and unfeeling no matter what the relationship! When it happens with someone we love, it cuts to the soul and trust is broken. We all need someone in our life who will listen to us, and provide that “voice of reason” when needed. In my opinion, it is my responsibility as a mom to be that person for my daughters. It’s no hardship, it’s a Blessing.
Your mom had many other choices in what to say. As a teacher I give her a big “F”. As a woman, I would qualify her as very rude and unfeeling. And, as a mom I would warn her that if she wants a relationship with her daughter, she needs to rethink her attitude. That she is not fostering love, and she is being selfish and rejecting.
Ok – there’s my BOOK answer on how I see it given my own experience, and the things you shared. And just so you take this with the 2 cents it is meant to be, given the history between you and your mom, I find it really difficult to be objective about your relationship with her.
B.
I just sent you a book sized comment about this and do not see it here now. If you don't receive it, let me know. Possibly it was too long - ha! B.
Trying again. Part I.
Jen,
"Would you say that to your children, bipolar or not?" Short answer: no.
I am curious how she responded when you asked why you are not allowed, and why it was ok with you but not with others.
When my daughters come to me with anything, I try to listen very carefully. Sometimes they need to vent, sometimes they are looking for encouragement, sometimes they will ask for advice. I feel that it is my "job" as a mom to respond to what [I think] they need, and it really isn't a "job" at all. Actually, it's more of an honor that they trust me enough to tell me their problems/joys, and helps me to confirm that our relationship is good and loving and solid. Also, discerning what they need isn't hard either because I know them so well. I welcome their conversation and the fact that they “come to me”.
My daughters are 23 and 21 and so the conversations are most often about school, relationships, and their future plans. If they would happen to mention something about their jobs which raised a red flag for me, yes I would call them on it, and they wouldn't like it. But, they are young and haven't been in the work force for long. I would frame my response more like, "do you think that's a good idea?", or "perhaps you need to consider ____". I don't see this to be the same for you, as you are a professional and you know what you are doing!
Part II
To my knowledge, I have not switched the subject when they want to talk. I know 100% I've not ever said, "let's talk about something happier." If the subject is something horrible or really difficult, I may respond with "can you give me some time to think about that", or "I just don't know what to say right now”, or “this is not something that I have enough knowledge about to help you with.” Also, I’ve suggested to both that they seek professional help, both medical and psychological – in a loving way of course.
Sheesh - I am writing a book! Is this the kind of answer you were seeking?
To me, what you have described above, is rejection, and it’s happened to me too. Cutting me off and changing the subject is rude and unfeeling no matter what the relationship! When it happens with someone we love, it cuts to the soul and trust is broken. We all need someone in our life who will listen to us, and provide that “voice of reason” when needed. In my opinion, it is my responsibility as a mom to be that person for my daughters. It’s no hardship, it’s a Blessing.
Your mom had many other choices in what to say. As a teacher I give her a big “F”. As a woman, I would qualify her as very rude and unfeeling. And, as a mom I would warn her that if she wants a relationship with her daughter, she needs to rethink her attitude. That she is not fostering love, and she is being selfish and rejecting.
And finally, Part III
Ok – there’s my BOOK answer on how I see it given my own experience, and the things you shared. And just so you take this with the 2 cents it is meant to be, given the history between you and your mom, I find it really difficult to be objective about your relationship with her.
If this instance is a testimony of how your mom treats you and not just an "off" day, you deserve much MUCH better! B.
I gave up and sent you an email. B.
I wish my Mom was able to talk with me about a lot of things, as she is 82 and has some dementia from mini-strokes. I hope I would be more sensitive if I had children. My mother however, when she was well, had a habit of ignoring anything that did not jive with her vision of the universe so I am afraid she might have been just as insensitive as your Mom...sigh.
Post a Comment