Control

I am having control issues.  It's funny, I thought when SSDI was approved and my mood started to improve that I would have an easier time.  In some ways, mostly the important ways, I am.  But there are a few things that I have had taken from me that are hard.  I miss controlling my meds.  I always had a range for several meds that I could use.  Now I'm not allowed to do that.  I'm not even allowed to have access to most meds.  I know why and I appreciate it because it did keep me safe when that was not easy.  I know I'm not ready yet but I think it will be fairly soon that I will get my access back.  This new therapy also is the most directive I've ever done.  Conversations like "Jen, what would happen if that were the case?" "um, I'd have to do things I can't" "And what else?" (whispers which is great with a hearing impaired therapist) "I can't say it".  "say it".  pause.  "Jen, you need to say it".Tears everywhere I say it.  He's not being mean, there's a point, but it is so hard.  Never before would he have made me say something--and it's going to get worse.  I only talk about that stuff in clinical terms and in writing.  But now I have to talk.  I remember one other time we were working on feeling safe in public and I learned rapidly that I was clueless.  Every answer I thought was right was wrong and wrong enough that I understood when it was explained.  This feels about the same, except this time it is set up so I can't do what I did last time, which was try to guess the right answers.  It's hard and the anxiety and panic feel like I have to live forever before I will relax again.  It ultimately is my decision to do this and I'm working hard at it but it feels scary and I can't do much to stop the scary parts.

I think there was another control situation that I am forgetting but I don't remember now.  Probably because I feel I do not have any.  It's not true and I'll be fine but the baby hat census is rapidly growing.  71 hats mailed today and I already have more to go.

About time to switch to the couch for the night.  The anxiety does seem to make me tired.  I don't sleep wonderfully but 2 weeks ago I was never tired so wanting to get snuggled in is worth a lot.

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